I have a cab coming for me at 3:45AM to take me to the airport so I can go home to Pittsburgh so I really don't have time for this shit. Sorry. You just get my liveblog, unedited, with bells on.
The original title of this post, before the Pens tied it, was "give thanks: all your friends are dead inside."
Here's what happened:
The Pens began the game by being injured as fuck. Paul Martin and Tanner Glass and Beau Bennett and Rob Scuderi are all super hurt. Pens recalled like Andrew Ebbett and Chris Conner.
Conner got the first goal of the game, then the Leafs scored twice pretty quick afterwards, but things didn't seem Urgent.
Then they came out for the second period and pooped all over themselves. Largely due to Kris Letang. We should have seen this coming. The Leafs scored right out of the gate. Fleury got pulled and was banging his stick against everything and then went to the locker room to axe murder a dream and a fairy tale.
Then we put Zatkoff in and they score on him. No chance. Letang passed to a Toronto player in the slot.
Malkin has clearly had enough of this shit because the Pens get a power play and he actually rockets one of those absolutely nasty perfect shots. So it's 4-2. If nothing happens the rest of the night we don't look totally embarrassed and covered in our own vomit. Letang gets an assist on the Malkin goal, serving up the antithesis of poetic justice, wreathed in flames.
OH GOD MAYBE I DO HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT: THE MOVIE
Gene comes out flying after the goal, Malkin is out with Sutter for some reason and crashes the net on Bernier.
Malkin apparently moved the puck towards the net with a high stick and it went in off of Bernier but that apparently doesn't count. So there's the wind out of your sails. BUT FOR A MOMENT WE WERE SO CLOSE
Pens get another PPG. Letang shoots from the point i.e. the easiest thing in the world for Kris Letang to do and Kunitz deflects it? Maybe. 4-3, finally.
Pens turn it over with like three seconds left in the second period and Bozak cashes in. Zatkoff played the puck very strangely making a pad save. Well. 5-3
THIRD PERIOD TEAM?
Pens are continuing the trend of getting unlimited PPs and honestly we're not used to anything happening. But Malkin and his bff James Neal being reunited and clicking does count for something.
Neal rockets one on the 5-on-3 and it feels real. Malkin immediately takes a penalty. And then exits the box, gets involved in the play 2 minutes later--and has yet another goal. MY WORD>
The Penguins really like to wave their dicks in my face when I'm being a bitter hag. It helps.
Overtime was cool.
But it went to shootout.
Jokinen first. He kinda stopped up. Didn't go wide, which was very unlike him. Bernier saves.
Bozak next. Zatkoff was having none of his rancid shit.
AAAHHHH BERNIER TRIED TO POKECHECK CROSBY AND CROSBY TOTALLY IGNORED HIM AND MADE IT HAPPEN 1-0
Zatkoff dick-whipped David Clarkson.
Malkin has a chance to finish it, and he scores. No question. He wasn't going to miss. You knew it.
This game kind of reminds us of that Tampa Bay game from 2009. You know, The One. right before Therrien got fired and Gene was busy taking over the world with his perfect hands.
we just love Gene. He wears his heart on his sleeve like no other. When it pays off it's like getting knocked up in a '67 Cadillac.
I need to finish packing so when I fly over Pittsburgh tomorrow I can blow it kisses and drool on it and ask it to be my new dad
THE PRESS DROPPED THE BALL IT IS ALMOST 11PM AND THERE ARE NO PHOTOS ONLINE OF ANYTHING EXCEPT LEAFS SCORING JEEZ
hahahahhaah fuck you
go pensno comments
The Pens are sharing air with Zoe in Boston tonight. Quickcap tonight - we're busy people sometimes because we have lives but life always takes a few hours to pause for hockey. Especially when you have a disease that makes you claw your own eyes out if you miss a game.
MOST DESERVING OF BEING FIRED (OUT OF A CANNON)
The press really sucked several dicks tonight. In a 7 point game there were maybe 4 actual photos of goals. Do they not realize what their actual job is? What are they even doing?
Oh. Creeping around the locker room while no one is paying attention. We can understand the impulse, but come on fellas.
Meanwhile, when Brooks Orpik commits Crimes Against Country in the first period with a ridiculous fan on a shot, leading to the fall of mankind and also a goal by Eriksson, press is like LOOK AT HOW THE LIGHT HITS THAT SPIDERWEB OMG
MOST SHOCKING DISAPPOINTMENT
The Pens took two for interference and once again Brooks was doing hockey wrong by leaving the slot wide open to dance in a field of daisies with Soderberg. Smith gets it behind MAF.
The advent of the second period brings a wrister from Neal that makes you duck a little in your chair, fearing that the puck will actually rip through time and space and hit your right in your dropped jaw.
It's really pretty.
It's the first of a pair - the next point on the chats is halfway through the third, and Neal ties it up with another wicked wrister. This one bounces in off the cross bar.
With only five minutes left the Bs pull ahead when an unfortunate incident leads to Sid bouncing a puck past MAF . No thanks. We will never emotionally recover.
PRETTY MUCH THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN
As the clock ticks down to the final seconds, it seems like the game is over. But what do we always say? Ain't over till it's over. With less than a second yet, Sid redeems himself and sails one home. They have to review the goal to make sure it went over the line before the 0. Good Goal.
So OT ends with the Bs getting one into the net and we end up going home with one point instead of two. Obv we always wanna win, but getting the tie in the last second is kind of like a win in itself. We'll remember that one for ages to come.
So, Pens lose, but only kinda.
Apologies for the abbreviated recap, but ya know, sometimes we ain't got all the time. You're all the cutest and we want to hug each and every one of you.
Keep it up.
CAPTION/PHOTOSHOP CONTEST: THE ROMANCE NOVEL/LOVE TRIANGLE WE NEVER WANTED TO IMAGINE
WTF Bad Romance Covers is an amazing blog that will change your life, and it's the first thing we thought of when we saw this amazing photo of Sid and KTang sharing an intimate moment as Olli Maatta looks on. Leave it to Quebec media to come up with this shit.
We would like to open ourselves to submissions of mixed media art that is your own personal take on this amazing image. We think the romance novel cover is a good angle, but welcome alternate takes on these three visages of passion, torture, and the Canadian/Finnish identity.
seriously this is the shit that comes to mind.
do it for art.
Montréal is one of those lands we will have to visit in an academic capacity one of these days to do cultural research on things like unreal shirts, bad jeans, being French Canadian, and using our tears and xenophobia to affect Habs games. It would be a fully academic study.
Oh also, delaying games to be more Canadian. It's a problem. No game takes as long to start as a Habs game.
FRENCHEST AND GOALIEST
MAF is definitely the more French goalie. He and Price both get to make early saves. We have CBC/HNIC with us tonight and it's kind of refreshing honestly. Nice to improve our relationship with them before the Olympics when we hate Canada again.
Habs knock Sid's helmet off so we get a glorious look at his mustache and his hair. It's borderline scandalous, to be honest. Equally scandalous is the movement on the ensuing power play. Good fucking lord. Price is trying to stand tall.
Habs take another penalty and a hole is torn in space by their gut-rending screams. During the power play for the Penguins the Habs get a 2 on 1 and Fleury flashes the glove.
After that, things get hairy. The Habs fans continue to scream into the endless void after every clean hit. It is starting to feel like Doom in the room. Maatta makes some unreal pass to D'Agostini in the slot and it's pretty much the coolest thing to happen all night. That's where we're at.
Price is actually going toe to toe with Crosby and holding the fort. Never thought we'd see the day.
Final minute a puck rests on the goal line behind MAF but it doesn't go in.
To start the second, CBC whips out the Thin Lizzy "Boys are Back in Town" which betrays a kind of joyous affection for Pens-Habs games. We feel the same way, save for The Playoff Series, which has been blacked out of our memories with an emotional felt pen.
FIRST BIG MISTAKE OF MAATTA'S CAREER
Maatta passed up the middle of the ice and it was intercepted as hell by Pacioretty. Long shot. Off the pipe and in behind MAF. That's pretty typical.
Price stands tall afterwards. It didn't take Habs fans long to start chanting Fleurrryyyyyyyyyyy. The pre-emptive goalie chant is such a fucking Eastern Canadian teams thing we just can't.
Crosby and Subban aggressively hug each other at one point. Like really really aggressive hugging. They must be trying to process the Maatta turnover with mutual friction.
MOST LIKELY TO BE ARRESTED FOR EXCESSIVE SWAGGER
Niskanen got a little too excited while owning Gionta and went to the box. Pens killed it. If they hadn't, someone might have died in the building. Looks like they might anyway though. Subban gets away with interference on Malkin at one point and in general all of the touching is getting more aggressive. Danny Briere gets high sticked and that's another penalty. Ugh. And just when you think that's killed, Gibbons takes one, too, during a front-of-net scrum. The whole time the Habs are on the PP the crowd in the Bell Centre is blowing its load all over themselves, drowning children left and right.
We are all in the bin for swagger violations. Habs take a timeout for the second PP. Because why not? MAF is all over all of the Habs' shots. Alas, we'll need more than that.
MOST LIKE A SEQUENCE FROM THE PAPERS OF T. E. LAWRENCE
Pens suck a bit in their own zone, Habs score again.
Well. Faceoff at center ice shows a red-faced Crosby jawing at Plekanec.
Oh so then some turnover
oh please hit us harder
Captain Gionta gets a little rowdy and the Pens get yet another PP. Except this time they actually score. Neal's ridiculous shot really can be a game changer.
or it could be if we ever got our shit together, which we won't.
MOMENT IT GOT DOWN TO UNDER FIVE MINUTES AND YOU DECIDED WE WERE FUCKED
THE MOST HORRIBLE THING THAT EVER HAPPENED BUT ALSO WAS GOOD
Gene took over the game and went end to end to set up Neal, who gets his second. The moves were beautiful. Gene then crashed into the boads and died and did the thing he always does where he takes FOREVER to get up, Chris Stewart even comes out to check on him.
But it's also a goal
Pens pressure after that.
TRIP HEARD ROUND THE WORLD
Pens manage to enter the zone and then Neal, reaching desperately for the puck, manages to trip someone with 11 seconds left and that's the game.
Yep, that's it. Every moment that affected it involved James Neal somehow. Make of that what you will. If Gene is hurt we'll be on the next flight to Mars.
GO TO HELL
Brendan Gallagher going all Smeagol
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. James Neal - guy had two goals and Bell Centre didn't even give him a pity third star. Vintage Montréal.
2. Gene - may your tailbone be safe
3. Michael Bournival - skated 6 something minutes for the Habs and was a -1 or something we're sorry
tagging this post with "habs suck" because we are immature children
tweet form Josh Yohe: "Losing to Montreal clearly bothers the Penguins more than losing to any other team, including Philadelphia. Not a lot of love there."
still remember smoking cigarettes on the lawn at Mellon Arena in Game 7 of the Habs series and crying. I don't even smoke.
Playing the Isles is kinda like getting drunk with your relatives in the way that it can go really super well and be a total riot and a memory you will cherish forever, or it can devolve into one of the absolute worst nights of your life pretty much instantly.
Or it can end with everyone getting a wine headache on glass number two and calling it an early night - that's when the trap rears it's ugly head and gets the best of you.
We're hoping tonight is like when grandma winks at you across the table, pouring an airplane liquor bottle's worth of whiskey into your coffee. The Isles team has a lotta holes in it, so there's a good chance grandma can show up with the hooch.
The Isles start it off with some not-terrible tires that Zatkoff has to fight off. Tavares is a Real Boy but Z-man (y/n?) shuts him down. Sutter throws a little something Poulin's way to make sure everyone feels included.
So, most importantly, Cal Clutterbuck is here tonight. Did you know that? We almost forgot and choked on our tongues when we remembered. He tried a one timer but it went right into Zatkoff's chest.
It makes us proud to remember that we once hijacked a Cal facebook group, became mods, kicked out all other mods, and turned it into a shrine for Mr. Clutterbuck that includes such classic quotes as: "Pascal William Clutterbuck shoots right, but hits with his entire soul." I mean really though.
Crosby gets a cross-ice pass from Malkin, and proceeds to get it right to Kunitz, who doesn't even hesitate, puts it past Poulin's blocker. It's really, really nice.
It's your-cousin-brought-moonshine nice.
FAVORITE STEP CHILD
A couple minutes later, Kunitz is at it again. Malks forces a turnover, Martin and Neal do some lovely passing on a three-on-two, and Neal gets it to Kunitz who sends it home.
Kunitz gets his shot at the hattie when he gets the puck cleanly past Poulin for the third time BUT OH WAIT HAHAHA NO DID YOU SEE THAT DID YOU SEE THAT scream the drunk refs, begging to be slain MALKIN'S STICK SORTA DID A THING NO GOAL NO GOAL PENALTY.
The hats sat alone on the ice, waiting for blood.
We leave the first 2-0
The Isles do something or other and the night starts to get a little edgy. Your mom reminds you of that time she knew you were skipping in high school. It seems pleasant enough, and you're an adult now goddamnit, but you hope this isn't the first sign of something darker creeping up into the conversation.
MOST HEARTWARMING FAMILY TOAST
MALKINasdlfjhasdjkf finally breaks his dry spell with a forehand shot that inspires him to literally punch the glass.
Dad is standing at the head of the table, pouring a round, and telling you, accidents or not, he's proud of you after all.
WHEN WE ALL STARTED WEEPING
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN HARD? Within one minute everything on the ice goes to hell and the Isles score TWICE. The first time around our defense and Z-man can go ahead and take the blame, and the second one everyone in the universe can take the blame.
The Isles shouldn't do this to us. We call a timeout to sort out our feefees. Aunt Penny just vom-ed on the carpet. Mom's yelling at the family album. Someone -you can't turn fast enough to see who - whispers "it was supposed to be you, not your twin" in your ear.
But you didn't have a twin. ...did you?
MOST REMINDED OF YOUR MORTALITY
Everyone is flopping around on the ground and your vision is slowly narrowing to a pinpoint.
The third period continues on.
You know that when the pinpoint flickers out, you'll be dead, and you're kind of okay with that.
Still, the third period marches on.
Finally, with a minute left in the game, there is the sweet release. Cappy Cakes sends one past Poulin.
Cousin Robby bursts through the door and picks you all up off the floor. He brought pizza. We are a family again.
ALT THREE STARS
Seriously though, fuck the Islanders. Can we just never do this shit again?
Ugh. STOP DOING THIS TO US.
No wait, we love you, come back.
Takes a night like tonight to remind us of 2009. Apparently Ovechkin is playing well again so the Pens-Caps are a real rivalry again. Also, the Penguins have adopted a model of regular season success and catastrophic playoff meltdowns, so there's even more parity between the Pens and Caps that we ever could have imagined. This is why NBC is in our mouths tonight. This is why I just did vinayasa yoga after eating cheap/horrible Chinese food to quell my heartbreak.
Already with the airhorn and Doc using the word "spirit" as a verb. Let's go. First Caps game this season. Can the Pens not be on NBC on Wednesday for a change ever?
ALREADY WITH THIS SHIT
Pens take a penalty early and Pierre takes the opportunity to talk about the brilliance of Ovechkin. Basically Craig Adams fell into a guy and it was egregious and bad. Ovi with an early post. Oddly undefended is Ovechkin in the left circle.
When the penalty expires, like clockwork, the Verizon Center crowd boos Crosby halfheartedly.
Paul Martin takes a faceoff win back from Crosby and Pierre about shits himself that Bylsma put Crosby out after the Caps ice it. idk we think that's a pretty obvious move but sure Regis you deal with that. Paul Martin flicked it towards the net. May have gone off of Kunitz but that shot from the point was all Team USA.
pauly celebrates, but in a restrained fashion
officially getting credited to PMart in the early goings.
couldn't even roll up my yoga mat yet this period shit has been THAT INTERESTING (not, but the goal was a nice surprise)
People have been bitching about Beau Bennett not really doing a whole lot. Malkin made him look like a genius entering the zone and Bennett made Alzner look like a pylon while the other Caps in the zone freaked out and started looking for a trailer. Holtby made a valiant effort on the play but the shot was too damn good.
Gene looks like a proud papa
Adam Oates might be our second favorite all time Caps coach after Brucey because he looks like a Vulcan in his older age.
Shortly thereafter someone cross-checks Gibbons who is apparently only 5'8". Legit call on Oleksy, whose name reminds us of a SWPA wedding announcement.
Pens practically get a 3 on 1 but somehow don't put it home. Malkin didn't shoot even though he was one on one with Holtby. That would have been even more deflating than the Pens have been already! oh no, caps. Kunitz tripped somebody so that bit of fun is finally over.
blah blah blah
Doc drops the "Wednesday Night Rivalry" branding shortly after an almost-breakaway by Gibbons. YES IT'S REAL
The Pens take a penalty towards the end of the period.
MOST IMPORTANT STATISTIC
NBC whips this out at intermission in case you folks at home forgot
MOST RUB OUTS
NBC keeps saying things are being rubbed out. it's uncomfortable.
Olli Maata got briefly schooled by Nicklas Backstrom about five minutes into the second which was refreshing. Those little mistakes remind us that he's a mortal. Then Erat took a penalty and Engelland tried to eat Oleksy. But nothing is going to come of this.
Oddly after the penalty the games gets really interesting and the teams trade some white knuckle chances and beautiful passing. MAF is not-so-quietly having a statement game so far.
Caps take a too many men. Oates looks despondent on the bench.
Everyone basically gets their dicks way hard for this PP. Beautiful passing play, Malkin to Kunitz to Neal to Crosby, who drops to one knee and obliterates the buck from the left circle at a nasty, sick, disgusting angle that actually causes the game to be rated as pornographic in 27 US states.
we're confused. we've never been this aroused before.
PERIOD MOST LIKE SEX
Starts kind of slow and painful. Everyone looks a little out of it. The negative energy from Caps fans is probably creating a small black hole in another dimension. Brief sounds from Caps fans when Ovechkin touches the puck. We learn that the furniture has been moved into Sid's house and that he might actually stop living with Lemieux soon. The furniture will probably gather dust. Remember Saturday Nights with Sidney Crosby anyone?
Neal snipejob as the Caps get complacent on the rush. Serious snipejob, really. After that someone gets upset and Kris yells at someone.
Pens and Fleury roll all the way to the end. That was strangely easy. Pens win, 4-0. OKAY THEN.
WORST FACIAL EXPRESSION
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Gibbons - bringing it
deep primal intimacy
2. This photo
3. Brooks Orpik because of reasons
fuck you go pens
The lines were gettin' switched up at practice today so it'll be fun to see what happens during this game. Gibbons is shrouded in mystery but we do know that he's shorter than Kim so that's pretty cute. BeauBeau is playing next to Sid and we have stars in our eyes as we write his name with curly-q's on our notebooks. It'll dull the pain of playing against Benny Lovejoy.
Here's hoping for a good game: as Zoe said, "I hope the Ducks don't eat us." Ducks don't have teeth, do they?
Oh my. Idk wtf that shit is, but let's hope it's a goose.
We know how to deal with ducks in Pittsburgh luckily. Let's hope we remember how it's done:
Had to do it. Sorry. Awards time.
The period starts out with the Ducks clearly controlling play. MAF gets a good save on Perrault. Vitale smashes Sbisa and he gets a little lippy but nothing exciting happens. Little things happen here and there, but by the time we're halfway through the first, we still don't have any points on the board.
Which. You know. Is ridiculous. Benny Lovejoy is even getting some action at the Penguins net, and we can't produce anything. The clock keeps ticking.
Maatta tries a slapper. BeauBeau tries to get something going off a pass from Sid, nothing. We don't get an official shot on goal until 18 minutes into the game.
Luckily, MAF is holding it down on his end.
MOST PRODUCTIVE 2 MINUTES
The last two minutes of the period actually make it look like we decided to get up, steal a hoodie from the floor to throw on over last night's dress, grab an giant bottle of Gatorade and try to face the world through oversized sunglasses.
Engelland gets a slapper that Fasth finds despite some good traffic, Neal tries a neat little wrister, and Martin takes a try with a slapper himself.
Luckily the end of the first period seemed to foreshadow the bulk of the second period, which is to say a massive improvement in shots on net and puck control overall.
While the Ducks still lead in shots, Fasth has really had to step his game up a little. Thank God. We'll save "ritualistic suicide" as an option for next time we are publicly shamed.
Unfortunately he stepped it up a little too much, leading us to the third period still tied at nothing.
Malkin, Glass and Gibbons - because hey, why the fuck not - decide to finally put something together. A nice backhander from Malkin gets right to Gibbons, who escorts the puck home, but not before getting a home run with it behind the bleachers. It's his first time and it's oh so right.
PRETTIEST PRINCESS FOLLOWED BY TRASH
Maatta throws the puck at the net not a minute later, and Sutter finds it to get the smoothest, sweetest, most lovely redirect ever.
Seconds later, however, it's like the bar closed and everyone has scattered and is confused and lost and forgets if they parked in B5 or R1. MAF thinks his keys fell under the bar and is crawling around on the sticky wood when the Ducks cash in on the confusing amount of mayhem.
Tbqh we really needed this win tonight, so when Sid cashes in on Fasth being totes screened, we're happy to have a little bit of space to breathe and imagine what it's like to not be depressed and crying in a pile of dirty laundry. We manage to keep the lead to the final buzzer and wrap it up with a solid 3-1.
MOST UNCOMFORTABLE STRESS BONER
Someone tell me how to feel.
ALT THREE STARS
Gibbons - probz a double, but deserved
MAF - held it down while we had our heads in the toilet
Fasth - because the first period had to be so boring for him.
Well, the last game we played was something we'd all rather forget, so at least we now have some buffer space in our minds. Tonight started out pretty dark but I think we saw what was happening and reeled it back in. Let's keep the engine warm, guys.
OH. HELLO. YOU'RE EARLY.
Folks, we're with MSG tonight because we can't handle the stress of not seeing the game on TV, and we have Gamecenter Live now so ya'll can suck it. "And it's all about his eyes" is an amazing line by Chico that was actually just said about Sidney Crosby. They also showed a sexy shot of Jagr shrugging his shoulders. And a sexy shot of Paul Martin's face. sexy sexy sexy HD television.
MOST LIKELY TO BE YOUR DAD
Brodeur is planning early for Christmas dinner and basting up the ham real nice, just like dad used to do. Peter Harrold has to fetch Dad his favorite pineapple slices and basting brush, not to mention a nice whiskey. Pens get an early power play because Zubrus was caught sneaking nips of schnapps in the basement. Nothing happens during it because why would it? Pens get like two chances but Marty has the oven temperature just right. But if Uncle Jaromir shows up will everyone notice that you have his eyes?
Why aren't we angry? Why doesn't it burn?
Chico says "WOW IS MARTY HOT RIGHT NOW!" By which we assume he means the ham baking. But god, it's delicious. We might be fucked. These could be the end times. Marty is pretty dialed in. Maatta is back in pimp strut mode, but James Neal takes a penalty. Uncle Jaromir shows up with the bottle of chianti. Patrik Elias (who also might be Bilbo Baggins) has also arrived to dinner.
Great movement on the Devils PP but nothing happens. Adam Henrique gets too cozy with Chris on the back porch and the Pens get a late PP. Someone in the Prudential Center has an air horn and is trying to start an industrial band at a carnival with it.
So despite all of this family drama at dinner the Pens are playing really well.
Still, a deflection goal:
18 seconds left. Okay. Rough. MAF clearly didn't do what he needed to do with that sweet potato casserole.
Devils broadcast throws us a bone by showing empty seats and an adorable child in a Whalers cap at intermission. We will survive.
MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT COUNTED
Chico quote: "really it's the ones that get into the net that count." We weren't sure about that one but it's good to have the clarification.
MAF is still all up in this business though.
Chico was prophetic. Kunitz on a fucking breakaway and Marty tries to pokecheck which backfires on him. The ham might be sticking, guys.
the linesman looks like he is throwing up
Somehow this game isn't boring. Don't quote us on that yet.
Bernier gets a breakaway of his own but MAF was like LOLOLOLOLOLOL STOP WITH THE COOKIES IT'S NOT TIME FOR YOUR DESSERT YET
He has to do it again later after the officials miss a puck that goes into the netting when Ryder gets all up in his business. He was like LOL SILLY. We're not watching ROOT but we're sure Steigerwald died and had to change into his emergency pants.
Malkin causes us to need our own emergency pants by almost getting a shot off with five Devils converging on him. Dinner is getting busy.
Gamecenter is always behind, in case you didn't know, so we have been learning about the late period Devils goals from Twitter by accident after being lulled into a false sense of security. Adam Larsson flips a puck past Fleury after a play develops quickly and there appears to be some confusion.
So it's 2-1 via Swedish kid at the end of the second.
No idea what is up with MAF exactly. Hot and cold. Like a southwestern Pennsylvania awkward pasta salad. His team isn't helping him out a ton though.
CLOSEST TO DEATH
It's the wine and pie segment of the evening, which can become particularly challenging when trying to defend your life decisions. Crosby high sticks Zubrus and it's a double minor, shit. Hugest possible kill. MAF needs to be up to the task. Makes one big save on the first penalty. Second penalty begins tense along the boards. Pens almost get a shorty 2 on 1 but it's offside.
Devils are buzzing like crazy and Pens come up with some good aggressive plays including a huge block by Maatta.
Marty makes a big time stop on Paul Martin. Brutal. When the Pens get a PP, they come as close as humanly possible to scoring. Jesus. Kind of a must score situation, isn't it? You'd think? Brodeur is basically a brick wall of solid ham right now.
God we didn't hate the Devils until that penalty kill. Which mostly made us yell at Gene for not being able to hold the blueline, jesus.
Refs then call Larsson for delay of game who is having some kind of crazy Swedish defenseman hat trick--goal, huge block, and a puck over the glass. He's a regular. Nothing happens. However, we're beginning to feel hate, and that's really what matters.
Let's talk about Jagr for a second.
REAL TALK via garageleague. Letang watched the last unicorn die last night and tonight he has to watch that unicorn's corpse danced upon. That unicorn is his feelings.
There's no way the Pens are gonna store two goals, so if you're smart, you'll start getting ready to go out for a drink.
HAHAHAHHAHA WE'RE ALL DONE HERE
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD
MOM EVEN SAID
Malkin has not been good for the last few weeks.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. THE HAM, WHICH TURNED OUT AMAZING
2. Adam Larsson for being qt
3. Sidney Crosby - one of these days your kingdom will return to you
okay, go pens, yeah?
The Preds have a weak offence and are generally not something we worry too much about, but in the wake of losing to the Flyers who are basically corpses in skates, we're not taking anything for granted.
Paul*Mart is a Thing that is worth being excited about. We missed his beautiful shining American face.
It takes about two and a half minutes of gametime for, idk, like, dark magic to turn the puck into a trout. It thrashes around a bit in front of our net, before flopping behind MAF. It's really stupid. Here, watch this instead:
MOST DELICIOUS COCKTAIL
The Preds get 2 for too much man, and not much happens. BeauBeau and Tanger try to make something work, but it doesn't.
Finally D'agostini and Dupes make magic (the good kind, not the trout puck kind) happen off a faceoff and Dupes puts it right into the net. It's pretty much the exact opposite of lava engulfing a can of Chef Boyardee.
The D'agostini is totally a drink recipe you can look forward to in the coming days. Spoiler: orange peel will be the garnish.
MOST SAND THROWN INTO EYES
Shortly following Duper's goal, Ellis gets called for interference on Sutter. Malkin gets a mean slapper and the redirect from Neal gets it into the net. You get the feeling that it was a giant fuck you for the first goal. Troutgate, we're calling it.
We go into intermission one ahead and feeling pretty good.
The Preds goal tending coach's name is Mitch Korn. We fact checked it.
We're kinda killing it as far as offensive pressure at the beginning of the second, not the least of which is Jussi, Neal, and Malks setting up a pretty chance. The puck went from Neal's stick to Mazanec's glove and everyone is kinda stunned.
The pressure finally pays off with a bad angle shot from Tanger that goes off Mazanec's knee. The whistle is blown and there's some review to make sure that the puck went over the line before the whistle, but the overhead cam makes it obvious.
We love you, Tanger.
The middle bits of the period are pretty cool idk. Nothing too huge happens. A powerplay, some chances, blahblahblah Here, look at this beaver, listen to the sound it makes.
Some games we're easily distracted, and one of those games is playing against the Preds with a two point lead. Just trust us to give you the most important information.
To make sure we don't go into second intermission distracted by every shiny thing Jokinen gets a drop pass to Sutter who wrists towards the puck. It bounces off the crossbar and into the net.
Still worried we may be thinking more about nature documentaries than what is happening on the ice, Glass and Nystrom get into it. Glass gets in a final punch after Nystrom's helmet comes off, and he gets up from the ice a little shaky. He makes it off the ice with some help and we're always happy to see someone make it out without any debilitating injuries. Cut over the eye: fine. Concussion: never cool.
THIRD PERIOD AWARD
You know the deal. Nothin' happens in the third period, we get lazy.
Pens stitch it up nice and neat 4-1. Woooooooo!
ALT THREE STARS
Mitch Korn - no srsly it checks out
MAF - Can't be blamed for renegade fish
Tanger - someone get that kid a cowboy hat and a lucky poker chip.
A lotta games happening in the coming days. Obviously we hope they'll all be this easy, but tbqh we don't think that'll be the case. But this is an opportunity for some great momentum and we have all of the tools to cash in on it.
As always, we'll be following right along, making dick jokes in their wake.