It would be really, really daft of us to say at this point that the Pens haven’t been inconsistent and disappointing. What happened in Anaheim almost wasn’t surprising. We felt it. We knew it was over long before we declared it to ourselves. Getting two points out of anything was going to be tough. Like giving blowjobs out of practice.
What happened tonight wasn’t expected at all.
Somehow, there was drive. After being down twice in the game, the Pens didn’t give up. They held on. Brent Johnson made the big saves–that’s right, Brent Johnson.
This is not the place to come for hate, analysis, or criticism.
We celebrate life. We celebrate coming out on the other side.
MOST EPIC BEGINNINGS, EXCEPT NOT FOR US
The Coyotes already have the Epic Press on their side when they come out. They even have a sound effect of a howling Coyote, which we for some reason totally failed to notice until now. Oh hockey culture and the tacky things that you make possible.
Audible Let’s Go Pens chant at the beginning gives way to Belanger scoring after Engelland totally gave up on him for some reason.
Fleury haters start hitting up nhlnumbers.com trying to figure out if we can trade for Luongo or something, then flip the game off and start looking around their basement apartments for the SpeedStick they think they saw under the bed last week, and yell up to their moms about particular missing socks.
GOAL THAT WE STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND
The puck goes in, referee signals a tripping call on the play. Then there is some talk in Toronto. Bizarre, lengthy conversation. Was the whistle blown? The world may never know. Some stammering, suspect ginger says that the “call on the ice stands” and that there is a goal.
Does Radim Vrbata think this is a goal? Does he really? Well I mean, he’ll take it. In our imaginations, this is the point at which Fleury is taken away by the authorities in handcuffs, muttering under his breath about his innocence, to an acoustic guitar riff borrowed from “The Mercy Seat.”
Brent Johnson is in goal when the officials stop rubbing their balls all over the line to the War Room.
Fleury does not take his mask off.
Brooksie rallies the troops, gets ready to go Hannibal Lecter on some motherfuckers.
MOMENT THAT YOUR RAGE MOST BLINDED YOU TO THE TRUTH
Some distressing sequences. Vrbata is everywhere. There’s a great sequence where Comrie keeps trying to find his dick instead of accepting passes. We let up a 3-on-1 that Brooks apparently made a defensive play on. Pens go crazy in front of Bryz and Crosby thinks he has a goal, but he’s dead wrong, and it doesn’t matter anyway because the officials call some phantom interference on Dupuis. They spend some more time on the phone. Toronto is like STOP FUCKING CALLING US YOU PUSSIES.
Replays later show that this was just off the crossbar and back out, but it’s the only glimmer of hope for us to cling to.
If we keep playing like this, we’ll be fine?
Another shitty power play happens, Pens look flat to end the period. Ugh.
BEST INTERMISSION INTERVIEW POSSIBLY OF ALL TIME
No one ever questions why Brooks wears the A, because he gives interviews looking like this, and speaking words of wisdom:
Also because he’ll probably kill you if you question him.
Bob Errey is always one of the greater joys in our lives.
He warns us at the end of first intermission that THIS ONE’S GOING TO GET EXCITING.
You’re like Bobby, don’t jinx it. He’s sharpening his skates in the press box in case he has to go down and suit up.
Both teams are feeling out the period for awhile, Bryz and Johnson both making saves that seem huge at the time.
Some idiot gives the puck away to Sidney Crosby in front of Bryzgalov. He gets rid of it before you even know he’s got it. Goal.
OH HEY YEAH IT’S GREAT WE HAVE SIDNEY CROSBY RIGHT BUT WHERE’S EVGENI MALKIN
OH SORRY I’M OVER HERE IN THIS HUG I JUST SCORE
So, I guess it did get exciting.
MOST ENTERTAINING INTERLUDES
Teams vomit around a little in the neutral zone. Talbot has his like second noteworthy shift of the year. Pens kill a penalty or something, Steiggy and Errey are talking about how Errey always went and got the 5 cent packs of hockey cards to look for Bobby Orr and get some gum.
Engelland and Bissonnette drop the gloves and don’t do much but it’s just cool to see @BizNasty2point0 at it again.
Vernon Fiddler exists, much to our delight.
Johnson with an unbelievable save on Taylor Pyatt.
Then, Steiggy and Errey start expounding upon the importance of the third goal in this game, which is never a good sign.
TEMPORARY NOTICE OF POLISH BOYFRIEND SUSPENSION
Wojtek we can’t even. And if you try to throw us off a porch because of this relationship sabbatical we will have to get Curry involved.
So we’re back to where we were before.
Malkin keeps shooting the puck wide and the Pens blow a 5-on-3 at a crucial moment. Bryzgalov seeing everything.
But there’s plenty of time left. At leas that’s what we keep telling ourselves.
GOAL THAT YOU FELT COMING FOR SO LONG THAT IT HURT
Late in the period, Hanzal takes some elbowing penalty, and you’re already like “can we decline this one?”
The boys start working a cycle though, without really getting any shots away. Around and around and around. Letestu is behind the net with two options to pass; the Coyotes and Bryzgalov focus on Crosby. Letestu passes to Kunitz instead. OH WAIT GOAL
Mark Letestu: smarter than all’s ya’ll.
PERIODS THAT WERE VERY EXCITING WITHOUT ANY SCORING GOING ON
Third period team?
Nah. We’ll take our sweet time.
Radim Vrbata’s sac is in our mouths.
Steiggy says Sid is playing every shift as if “the fate of the Western Civilization depends on it” as if that actually means anything, and is way too proud of himself for saying so.
Sid, Letestu, Michalek all have chances at one point or another.
But it goes to overtime, and no progress is made there either.
Pens even get a 4 on 3 power play for 1:21, but if you thought they were going to score there, you had the incorrect hero in mind.
MOST PREGNANCIES INCURRED DURING SHOOTOUT
Radim Vrbata is the first to shoot on Johnson, who makes him look like a child with his Holy Pokecheck.
Sid shoots at Bryzgalov’s left pad. Sad.
Johnson stops Wolski. Wolski attacks him in a rage. Shame there are no porches around.
Letang does something completely uncreative.
And Korpikoski shoots it wide because he’s stupid.
Who’s up next? Just Mark Letestu.
MOST DRAMATIC PORTRAIT NOT RELEVANT TO THE REST OF THIS RECAP
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Letestu. How does he not get a real star? Unbelievable.
2. Ilya Bryzgalov – sorry
3. Paul Martin – 29 minutes. Engelland basically got shit on after his bad play on the Belanger goal. So everyone else picked up the slack. THANKS PAUL.
Pens don’t play til Wednesday, YES WE ACTUALLY PLAN ON ENTERTAINING YOU THIS TIME.