billthomas3

FEVER DREAMS

There is never a time when the Penguins venture to BankAtlantic center that we aren’t amazed it’s still there.
You’d think someplace so absurd and unlikely would have been excised from America and dropped straight into the unforgiving seas.
Nope, let’s check. . .

Ugh. It’s still there.

FSN introduces us in media res with shots of fine, white sand beaches and gorgeous sunshine. We then proceed indoors, to the arena itself, which is apparently fucking freezing.
The college IT department in which I am currently working a midnight shift is approximately 85 degrees and I am in a wool sweater since it is fucking November outside, people.
I’m sweating and I can barely see straight. Let’s get down to business.

MOST (AND THEN CONVERSELY, LEAST) LOVE
The Pittsburgh Penguins, what with their dad’s-trip-ness.
You are just overwhelmed with adorableness and thinking about how Marvin Kunitz looks like he sells hoagies at the corner store, and blah blah blah.
30 seconds into the game, my illegal free stream of the game dies and I start whining on Twitter about it.
But apparently some Panther ran Fleury and the Pens were on the power play and they scored like 5 seconds in. Crosby to Martin to Letang. Unicorn explosion.

1-0 Pens.
I would describe it to you, but it was almost like, you had to be there.

MOST FRANKENSTEIN MOMENTS
Eric Godard takes some penalty for skating into Vokoun, but it’s not like he knows any better, or like Vokoun isn’t even a robot. He was probably straight-legging around like some kind of science experiment gone wrong.

Vokoun is nonplussed.

MOST UNEXPECTED SUCCESS
The Pens manage to get on the power play again. Vokoun misses the departmental memo and starts flipping through his favorite porn bookmarks on his netbook while Sid ends up in the slot.
Vokoun finishes. So does Sid.

This looks like a blown-up background activity from somebody’s last known photo on CCTV. Or possibly something out of a Where’s Waldo book. Just crushing composition.
2-0

MOST AROUSAL
At this point I switch to the X and find out that Stillman scored with 35 seconds left. I don’t really care because the X is catching up with William Thomas at intermission. Ladies:

Okay, so, that’s an old picture lifted from William Thomas Wednesday in which we actually compare his stats to those of Brother Steven Stamkos.
No comment.
But while my panties are in a pool on the floor, listening to that poor boy talk about how he likes working for the Panthers because “they use the same system up and down the organization”, the real world is gearing up for the second period.
The temperature in the IT department rises to 90 degrees. BILL THOMAS COME HOME.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A TRAFFIC CONE THIS EVENING
I am scrambling trying to figure out what is going on in the wake of Bill Thomas existing and Internet feeds letting me down. I hear a static-riddled message come down the line that Bylsma has used his timeout on an icing call.
It isn’t much longer until Bryan McCabe scores.

Dmitry Kulikov comes down from the mountain troll village in which he lives to congratulate. On the way down, he asked us for some Rice Krispies treats.
We said no.
2-2

WORST POWER PLAY
This one goes to the Panthers. This is a real award, too–we didn’t have to make it up.
Penalties are going quickly because the Panthers suck.
With the PK momentum Crosby in is in Kill Everyone mode, setting up Ben Lovejoy for one-timers that he can’t possibly accept passes for and just generally wrecking the universe.

BEST SECURITAS OFFICER
The rest of the second period is a mystery to me because I have to go help a security guard named Manuel with his computer.
But, the Pens didn’t get scored on and create Chernobyl while I was gone, so it must have been good luck.
Everyone give it up for Manuel.

BEST FARM TEAM MOMENT
The third starts with epic amounts of flailing by both teams. No one can get the puck. Every moment spent in every zone is a disaster waiting to happen. Reasoner comes out flying, but doesn’t make anything in particular happen, because he’s Marty Reasoner. Repik takes some kind of penalty, and then Ktang gets away with interference chasing after a loose puck, or so the six screaming Panthers fans thought as the penalty started to wind down.
It expires but the Pens don’t care. Vokoun drops his netbook. He lies down on top of a puck. He wishes his dad were here.
Fleury is keeping the Pens in it. Nobody is breathing.
Then Letestu and Conner come down the right side like they are on a pond or some shit.
Conner puts it in.
Garth Letestu and John Conner probably hug somewhere.

Unreal kids’ mouth in the top left corner.

AND PONIES FOR ALL. 3-2

BEST CZECH MOMENT
Pens take some penalty late in the game.
Craig Adams and Brooks Orpik are on murder patrol while Adams doesn’t even have a stick.
Michalek doesn’t care about Frolik and gives the best block ever. The Czech defense is like a pregnancy.
We’re busy mocking the Panthers’ PP because it’s like making fun of obese people in high school. But at least the Pens’ PP did shit tonight so we have room to talk.
Period winds down. Everyone is dying horribly. Along the boards, around the net, in the corners. Vokoun is out of the net, but we can’t give it any more love.
David Booth attacks Sidney Crosby because he can’t handle being alive anymore.

But our work here is done.
PENS WIN.
3-2
Feels like a normal regular season win ought to feel and we didn’t even scream too much or try to kill ourselves.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
RUNNER UP FOR BEST CZECH MOMENT/BEST RESULT FOR “PITTSBURGH PENGUINS PANTHERS” ON DAYLIFE.COM

The Jagr Starter Jacket.

TWO VOTED MOST LIKELY TO BE STARING STRAIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL

Marc-Andre Fleury and Max Talbot

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Garth Letestu – for producing Mark Letestu
2. William Thomas – please come home
3. Zbynek Michalek – thanks a lot boo bear

Sabres on Wednesday.
Tomorrow is a Travel Day.
Our own reasoning for Marry, Fuck, or Kill choices will be presented concisely with references and a bibliography (except not).

GO PENS

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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