for the record

In marry, fuck, or kill, we would:


Sir Mario.
Because really, why wouldn’t you?  You realize that if you killed him, you’re committing a heinous religious offense, right?

Ruutu. Because he would take us to metal concerts and would probably be cool with us screwing other people from time to time.

McCabe. No particular reason, other than he wears a C, and that might be cool.


Because we’re not sure he’s dicked anything that isn’t named Lord Stanley, and that’s fucking purity right there.

Miikka. Oh god something about this would be so good.

Vokoun. We are pretty sure Vokoun is a robot which might be exciting.  Also his eyes are really pretty in this picture.


Well, for purposes of the game, we’d try, but chances are teenage girls and middle-aged men would be standing between us and the goal.  He’ll probably live.  Let’s be honest.

Teemu. Could have been a game-changer if he didn’t have the mustache this season.

Hordichuk. Because we do not, repeat: DO NOT, support the ragged edge of those breezers.

See?  That wasn’t so bad, was it?  Sabres tomorrow–and guess what, we get to watch on TV!

Happy Thanksgiving and Curry Bless Pittsburgh and Un-Bless everywhere else.



About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.