What a night.
This picture fascinates us.
What is happening with that ass?
Mister Bergeron, need we add you to the slimfast and crack-cocaine mailing list?
We think so.
So, it’s officially Hawks vs. Flyers.
We understand that there’s like, a 50-50 split in the fanbase over who should take home the Cup.
Well, after we get over the 99% of us who really just want the building to explode and for no one to ever speak of these playoffs again, but we can’t waste our time with those dreams. There’s hockey being played and even if we have to chew through our tongues to watch it, we have to watch it.
So, here’s the breakdown:
Penguins fans rooting for the Hawks
(or just rooting against the Flyers)
We understand your position and probably agree with a lot of it.
You’re Penguins fans.
Even talking about the Flyers existing puts a bad taste in your mouth (as it should) and saying that you’re rooting for them would be the last straw. You’d rather jump off of one of the many beautiful Pittsburghian bridges than see Leadership and the gang lay their greasy mits on the Cup. God, and to give Philly fans ammo? What kind of masochists need we be to wish for such a thing?
If anything, most Philly fans don’t deserve shit, even if their team did (and you maintain until the day that you die in a horrible puck deflection accident that they never will.)
We can hear it next season already:
“WELL WHO WON THE CUP LAST YEAR?! WHERE WERE THE PENGUINS?!
WHERE WAS CINDY CRYSBY?”
(Seriously, it’s like those people against gay marriage continuously using “It’s Adam and EVE not Adam and STEVE, they just never get that it stopped being clever after the first time, and even then it was a bit of a reach.)
You have every reason in the world to want to see them burn.
Penguins fans rooting for the Flyers
(or just rooting against the Hawks)
Your position is also close to home with us.
You’re Penguins fans.
You’ve seen struggle over years, heart breaking defeat, endless strife and your team going through the the same emotional meltdowns of a fifteen year old girl. To think that the Blackhawks are playing with such an air of entitlement is infuriating because you have been there and you have felt what it should feel like before you get that cocky.
You’d rather throw yourself from the top of the Cathedral of Learning before letting those bitches see any affirmation that they deserve a shred of respect from anyone.
Plus, they’re all like, twelve years old and greasy.
Oh, and then there’s Hossa.
No self-respecting Pens fan could watch Hossa lift the Cup without letting a piece of themselves die, even if just a small one.
Maybe some of you are over it, but this is hockey, and there is a place for grudges.
You don’t want Hossa’s name on that Cup, and they will have to pry it from your cold, dead hands from the floor of the HHoF before they engrave his treasonous name onto its sacred surface.
We know we’re supposed to provide comfort and wisdom in these trying times.
Realize, however, that we must pick a side and our side has been chosen.
We’re rooting Flyers. Work with us here.
To illustrate the fact that people can disagree and still get along, we will now site some famous disagreements that Zoe and Kim have had for all of times, and how we unite over them.
Flyers vs. Habs series:
Kim - Cheered for the Habs the whole way through. If they wanted a fairytale season that badly, go them. We’ve been underdogs before.
Zoe - Flyers all the way. The Habs play a disgusting game of hockey. At least the Flyers had some style and provided entertainment.
Agreement - We can stay drunk until October and not care either way.
Kim - Wants to be buried with a bottle of Makers Mark in her hands and a pack of Fantasia cigarettes over her heart.
Zoe - Will get to her grave via rum and cigars.
Agreement - We’re both open to mixing anything and everything with Faygo Redpop and watching a terrible movie until we get shitfaced.
Kim - Hates flats and will only consider heels if they’re over 4 inches, minimum. Thinks wedges are disgusting.
Zoe - Is rarely found without flats and often finds wedges that work for her. Her ability to walk in heels over 4 inches is questionable, but her efforts are majestic.
Agreement - We both can get free cards from the boys at the card shop if we bat our eyes, so as long as we look good, who gives a Belegost?
(Also made hilarious by the fact that Zoe is a wood nymph and Kim is an Amazon regardless of shoes.)
Kim - Likes bros who wear the same jeans ten days in a row and forget her birthday.
Zoe - Likes beautiful people who read Kafka and will read poetry to her in the park, possibly in a foreign language.
Agreement - Make them buy us both alcohol and learn about hockey.
See? People can disagree and still find compromise, no matter the situation.
And anyway, we all have the greatest things to agree upon, and those are:
1) The Louisiana Muskrats deserve to win this Stanley Cup.
2) Hockey Glam Shots are the best thing to ever happen to the world.
3) We miss the Penguins, and are really glad they’re never losing again and that the Cup will safely return to Pittsburgh at the conclusion of next season.
Peace and Unity and Love and MOTHERBELEGOSTING HOCKEY.