metaphysical suicice, part 2

Bizarre. Odd. We don’t even know what to say about it. The awards show is short because we’re fairly sure that Brother Steven snuck into our rooms last night and started whispering sweet nothings mind games into our ears.

MAN YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN AWHILE

Mike Smith is a man of mystery. Why does it seem like every game we play in Tampa we end up facing not Mike Smith, but some jobber dude who has never played an NHL game or something? But we’ll take Mike Smith. We are interested to see where this all leads.

BEST GOAL SCORED IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL CAFETERIA
Someone named Tyrell scores.
We think he is 13.
He wears #42.
We don’t know what to say, but we’re scared.

BEST PENALTY KILLS EVER
Dupuis gets nabbed in the neutral zone for some penalty. You feel like it’s going to be one of “thoooooose” nights.
(Hint: it is, except not the kind you’re thinking of)
Immediately the Lightning give up a 2-on-1.

Cooke passes the puck to Craig Adams. Bam. There are no photos. Craig Adams’ penis destroyed them.
Then, on the same penalty, like three people crash the net and Cooke scores.
It is a joyous occasion by all.
Fleury is making some little saves. Smith is looking out of sorts.
Craig Adams goes to the box. Gets out, immediately assists on a goal. What?

Dupuis makes it 3-1 Pens.
Mike Smith is on quaaludes. Goes to locker room. jslghlsdfkdjsn

WELLY WELLY WELLY WELLY WELLY WELLY WELLY WELLY WELL

After this out souls turn into a slow-burning Centralia-esque coal fire. The lead disappeared. Things were bad.
Pens can’t convert on chances for shit, somehow.
Evgeni Malkin hauls down Sean Bergenheim and causes a penalty shot to take place. Fleury is okay with this. Bergenheim kept trying to come on our faces. We didn’t let him:

We did catch Martin St. Louis doing things. He must have done them when we weren’t looking.

From a theoretical perspective we see games against Tampa as horrible exercises in unreality.
This is the opposite of hyperreality. This is unreality. Or are they the same? Put your short answer in the Blue Book and pass it to the front.
Fuck Tampa.

Cocksucking empty netter.

pens lose 5-3 what

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
All are being given to Craig Adams, except one-half star which will go to the empty seats on the glass at St. Pete Times Forum. Not that they needed your support, clearly.

Martin St. Louis should be baked into a pie.

Friday. Flyers. Bring it.
Gentlemen, get your shit together.

GO PENS.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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