You, too, may have gone through the day today feeling like nothing was real.
Even if it was fairly meaningless hockey, the Penguins were going to play tonight. If you’re like me, you were just trying to get through and on your way to a place where hockey could enter your life once more.
Mike Lange’s dulcet tones.
Phil Bourque getting really excited.
Oh. . .and you know where everyone was going to be tonight:
This preseason we’re not giving awards (at least not all the time), but Consol Energy Center gets the inaugural Jizz Award.
Early in the game, Mike Comrie did something:
If you were listening on the radio in some faraway land trying to pick out your outfit for tomorrow, you jumped up and down and squealed in a circle and were like HOLY SHIT MIKE COMRIE. This is what I did. Don’t hate.
Malkin was nonplussed.
Brad Stuart and Tyler Kennedy made love.
Sidney Crosby wanted to make love, too, but only with the ice inside the net.
Jesse Boulerice beats the shit out of the man who broke his jaw, just because this seems like the appropriate time.
Ryan Craig begins his takeover of the world, and we have our first GROUP HUGZ shot of 2010-2011.
It is at this point that Chris Osgood threw a temper tantrum and demanded that someone bring him pulled pork.
So Johan was on his way to get some pulled pork and extra lard cakes for Chris but Brooks Orpik was in the way. What shall henceforth be known as the Pulled Pork Affair sent the rest of the game into an utter murky, liminal space of death and fatty foods.
Ruslan Salei tried to fix things early in the second, but not much was happening, and Osgood still hadn’t received his pulled pork. Babcock did not appreciate the course that the evening was taking:
Dan Bylsma, on the other hand, was very entertained, and was pleased, as he had forwarded a lot of the pulled pork in the building to his old team, the Anaheim Ducks, for Bobby Ryan to sample.
The search for pulled pork became dire when both Brett Sterling and Ryan Craig (again) scored past Osgood. Franzen called from the locker room and said that Osgood’s Pork Concierge had been found bound and gagged in a broom closet attempting to smuggle illicit food items into the arena. The hounds were called off, the mission was deemed useless.
Both teams spent the rest of the game taking penalties and some child named McCollum was put in net for the third. Glad to be relieved, Chris clutched an old t-shirt on the bench which he seemed to think bore the lingering odor of bacon grease.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
3. A KFC Double Down
As you may know, the best thing to come out of this game aside from the five goals was the #chrisosgoodisobese hash tag on Twitter.
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