Puck Huffers staff here.
We are here to address our public and the events of the game this evening.
As everyone knows, we love our team: The Penguins.
But we have also sunk a lot of love and devotion into the Muskrats, ever since we Purchased them (as the former Coyotes), renamed them, and moved them to New Orleans.
Still, when it comes down to it, before the game tonight we pulled aside some of the star ‘Rats and let them know what was expected of them this evening. They were not to fail us, and they could only accomplish this by failing. They understand – though are not entirely happy about – the fact that when it comes to our hearts, they will always be in second place.
Now, with an L10 of 4-4-2, we understand we are in a bit of a rough spot – trailing the Pacific division, currently below the western playoff line, and having some extreme turmoil within the team. Spirits are not high this holiday season for the Muskrats squad, but the players return to facing the western teams on Thursday, knowing we will not force them to self-destruct again any time in the near future.
We would like to take a moment to address some specifics of the game.
We know we have some answers to give to you guys.
A Q&A will be held after this press conference.
THE HELGE FACTOR
While we know that one of the pleasures of playing the Muskrats is seeing Akseli Ukko in net, we simply couldn’t trust the young’un to listen to our orders. In steps Pontus Helge, our favorite fat, Danish backup goalie. We are on a pretty regular picnicking schedule with Pontus, so we knew he’d have no problem securing his spot in next week’s indoor picnic spot by letting up a few easy goals.
We hope you are not too upset about the lack of Ukko (especially as, after such a number of goals, chanting UK-KOOOO is extraordinarily fun) but you must understand our position on this one.
THE MOST UNEXPECTED MOVE
Otto Kyösti was NOT supposed to be on the ice this evening, if you were wondering about why we would dress our biggest thug against the Pens.
When we spoke with Head Coach Wattie Turner, we specifically told him that Otto was not to be dressed.
Imagine our surprise when the press announced his presence in the game.
Wattie was unavailable for comment and has not been answering our calls ever since.
We are heading out to the PH jet shortly after this conference.
THE CANADIAN JACKASSERY THAT WENT DOWN
Last, we must unfortunately also apologize for Aaron Izzo.
Aaron is a kind soul, and we really don’t know what got into him. While he will be reprimanded for being a total asshat, we also ask for your forgiveness; sometimes it’s just hard to take a loss for you lovely lady owners. But he has asked us to issue a formal apology on his behalf, and we must admit that we have forgiven him. We hope you can find it in your hearts to do the same.
Well, that was painful, but we’re glad the Pens could come through and conquer the team.
We can put it in the mind of the ‘Rats to lose, but unless the Pens put on a good show, we can’t expect anything to happen. Luckily, the Pens are the Pens, and when given a weakened team, they crush them into the ground.
Expect changes in the Muskrats organization, and expect the Pens to never lose again.
First game of the new streak.