The winning streak starts on Monday.
Everything was going great, and then the car engine blew up in the Fort Pitt Tunnel during rush hour on our birthday.
This is one of those heinous losses where you’re pretty sure it’s all a nightmare.
So, put on some music, upend a bottle of liquor into your faceholes, and just go to sleep.
Maybe in the morning your headache will make you forget that this ever happened.
Regardless of ending, there was a beginning and a middle as well, and for that, the awards must go on.
MOMENT YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO UPEND THAT LIQUOR BOTTLE INTO YOUR FACE TONIGHT
By your estimation it is like a split fucking second into the game before the Rangers decide that they want to try some funny business in the Pens defensive zone. No one approves of this nonsense. In reality (sorry, after that last PBR we’re not going by your estimation) it’s one minute into the game when disaster comes oh-so-close to striking. Both in reality and by your estimation, the public service announced by Brent Johnson at 1:09 is fairly fucking awesome.
WE DON’T WANT NONE
With a starting save like that, you know the Rags have a broken spirit. Time to step in and take what’s ours once again.
MOST AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP
The first period made it look like the Pens and Rags were in some sort of failing, strange hook-up situation. No one was really sure where anyone was going with the whole situation, they seemed hesitant to be near one another, and the sex was kind of bad.
Don’t believe us?
We know incompatible sex when we see it.
Seriously, though, how is press never available for a goal but can always manage to catch these terrible moments? Either they are people exactly like us, or nothing like us.
First person to formally question press about their favorite breakfast food and primary goals in life gets a free t-shirt.
SERIES OF EVENTS THAT MADE YOU LOL AND REMEMBER WHO WE HAVE ON OUR TEAM
First of all:
Only one team in the NHL can have him, and through the love of Curry, that team is us.
How, exactly, do franchises work without players like Sidney Crosby?
We get it – a couple other teams have players with the potential to be just as good as Sid.
But without the very distinct qualities of Sidney Crosby – hard work, talent, being a genuinely good person, that moustache, et ceters – that potential just does not pan out as often as it does for Sid. Sometimes, when things are bad (which they are not right now – the thought of the 08/09 season strikes fear into our very hearts and makes moments like this one seem laughable) we just remember “Hey, we have Sidney Crosby. Lols.”
LOL OH HAI MALKIN HOW IS YOUR SECOND DAY BACK?
Watching Crosby and Malks swoop in on the net is enough to get us all excited. Throw in that move by Malks at the end there?
Those in the arena heard a very familiar voice broadcast as Malks moved in for the kill.
Down, Back, A, Down, Back, B.
Double Rocket Blast.
LEAST PHOTOGENIC, MOST LOVED
The president is a little guy, but also the fastest man alive.
He deserves some lovin’ for all that heart.
We feel that this is the appropriate time for said lovin’
Pleasssse someone get Tyra on the horn to give that boy some tips.
WORST PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY
Sean Avery is the biggest douche in history. Seriously.
Sean Avery is only in this photo in spirit, but this appropriately depicts the constant gayparade that is this jagwagon’s life.
Not only is he a douche, he sings off key, wears womens pajamas to bed, and he has violated an innocent sheep kept on a farm just outside of the city. Several times.
Tell your friends.
Oh, and then, as if the second period weren’t enough to prove it,
The first person to kick Mr. Avery in the balls gets two t-shirts.
What a fucking jagoff.
If your kids ask why santa didn’t bring them a pony this year, do the world a favor and let them know it was Sean Avery.
Sean Avery ruined Christmas, children.
Just like he does every year.
MOMENT YOUR LOVED ONES HID THE STRAIGHT RAZORS AND BOURBON
We don’t really have the heard to cover what happened at the end of the game, so we will let a photo take the place of our explanation.
This photo is worth about a billion words, all accurate.
Pens lose 4-1.
Weirdest moment, too.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
For keeping us warm on nights that wins don’t.
2) Sidney Crosby.
3) Evgeni Malkin.
Fuck everyone. When we can give an alt star to Crosby and Malkin on the same night, it is just time to go to bed.
Buck up, little buddies.
Everything is going to be okay.
On Monday we play the Muskrats, and as the official owners, we can pull some strings.
Speaking of, stay tuned tomorrow for some ‘rats news.
Just to get you in the mood for Muskrat blood.
It’s delicious in stews.
Sleep it off. Drink it off. Shake it off.
Either way, we’re never losing again.