When the Pens come to my unfortunate (and temporary) neck of the woods, I do like to see them walk away with a bit of a pimp strut. And this was a game to give them a pimp strut indeed.
It’s always cool when you can really whip ass on a team that is one of your biggest “rivals” though in this case it’s more in theory than in practice. Still, we like to take the win and we like to take it hard, which is exactly what we did tonight.
Sure there were a few messy moments and some times you were ready to call for the death of some people involved in oh, say, nothing in particular SPECIAL TEAMS SPECIAL TEAMS SPECIAL TEAMS. Oh. Sorry. We’re bad at subtlety. But in the end we just wanted to lovingly caress everyone, gaze into their eyes, and ask them to please, please do this again sometime soon.
GREATEST WAY TO GET THROUGH THE FIRST SHITTY MOMENT
The first few minutes of the game are unclear.
Like any hockey game, it takes a few plays to really understand what’s happening; to gauge the mood of the game.
For a moment we here at Base Philly were worried it was going to be a sloppy showing. Guess that just proves there’s something in the water here that makes you just a touch less able to think with intelligence.
Unclear, also, is the world around me due to the constant slow burn I’ve got on.
A small medical issue provided me all of the pain-numbing happiness I needed to get over the far worse pain of watching Carter and Corpse Boy work their “magic” together and put one in behind Brent.
Ugh God and somehow Hartnell found his way into the mess for a photo op.
Luckily I’m high enough to brush it off like I just bailed out on some gnarlatious heavies out on Oahu.
Can we all just agree that, high or not, surfer slang is the absolute worst?
Anyway, I was not distressed.
I was not doubting the Penguins.
If you were, maybe you should try finding a prescription for that.
THE SWIFT AND TERRIBLE RETRIBUTION AWARD
It doesn’t take long before we’re able to claim that mistake back.
Sid capitalizes on a stupid line change on the part of the Flyers. Hits it to Kunitz.
Kunitz knows what to do.
We are pumped.
We are remembering why we hate Philly so much.
We are excited for MOAR.
We…we have no idea what’s in store.
BRIEF BREAK FOR RIDICULOUS MESSAGE
Registered to vote in Toronto?
Not sure who to throw your support to?
Feel better knowing that PH is politically involved and will tell you what to think when you go to cast your ballot.
(Wait, do Canadians get to vote? Aren’t they some sort of goddamn hippy commune or something? I thought they had a queen. Or a Baroness at least? Okay, okay, fine.)
PH is officially casting its (incredibly influential) vote to this man.
Vote Steve Murray for Mayor.
He can pull off the Carey Price, he’s obviously the best hope Toronto has, and he stands for everything we believe in.
And maybe he’s related to Andrew.
THE SEXIEST MAN ON SKATES
The second period, not surprisingly, is boring as balls. It’s a huge competition of whose special teams can suck worse than the others.
No one is too pleased because the tie is hanging around well past when it was welcome.
Suddenly Prince Charming appears on the ice riding a white steed.
There is no photo, so we’re going to need you to combine the two following photos to help you get an idea of what happened:
Letestu is allowed to sweep us off our feet any day of the week.
THE MOMENT WE ALL GOT PREGNANT
Crosby got the Hunger and the man advantage and we were more excited watching him circle the net like a hungry scarf that waiting for our sea monkeys to hatch (and trust me, the excitement is real.)
Sid was worried we were all getting a little sleepy.
Yes Cappycakes we see you, hello, yes your mom is watching she saw it and she said you did good.
That was quite the lovely goal, you know.
I’m pretty pleased, we really wanted to see your numbers go up a li-
HOLY SHIT WHERE WERE YOU SHOOTING FROM, 27 BILLION MILES AWAY?!?!?!?
For a second we had to whip our heads over to check and see if that was Gonch back there, visiting for old time’s sake.
Sidney Crosby it is.
57 foot slapshot, the longest of his career.
Let’s crack open some champagne and drink to schadenfreude.
ANOTHER BRIEF PAUSE IN OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING TO POINT OUT SOMETHING
Maria pointed something out to us and it just may be the most awkward something we see all year.
God that is just a three hour soak in the awkward mudbath.
THE MOST TOOTHLESS HAPPY ENDING Mattie Cooke makes us go home satisfied by helping the puck find its home, short handed. What a day for the People.
The press, on Deryk Engelland. There’s plenty more where those came from, too.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1) Letestu- Because he saves our asses all the time and we’re not sure how we lived without them.
2) Engellend – For providing all of those glamour shots to your obvious stalker.
3) Rupp – We’d hit it. Twice.
So, here’s where everything obviously changes and we go on a winning streak longer than any other in the history of the NHL, and we Never Lose Again. Had you forgotten? Hope. Believe. Never Losing Again. Go Pens.