THERE’S A BREACH IN THE HULL

EDIT: if you haven’t already, go read our
Eulogy of the Philadelphia Flyers
on PD.  Wyshynski’s comments section thinks we’re weak and meh and not funny.  Oh, and immature. LOVE ‘EM.  <3
Isn’t sarcasm, cockiness, and bitchiness par for the course for these things?
You’d be surprised how seriously some people take us!

UGH CHICAGO PLEASE GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS AND DID WE SAY YOU COULD TURN ON YOUR STEREOS BECAUSE WE DIDN’T YOU ARE GROUNDED

oh wait. . .
It’s kind of hard to send the Stanley Cup Champions to their rooms when they’re all drunk on champagne and Molson and being rowdy and getting dirt and blood all over the new sectional sofas and oh dear they’ve already cracked the HD TV screen and this is just bad.

We’ll be hiding in the basement.


This will go down in history as the goal that nobody saw. Everyone was confused. NBC was confused. The goal judge was confused. The refs just gave up at being alive. And it just happened and Kaner was doing things and we were just so disappointed.

We weren’t even disappointed for these guys. Come on, you don’t think we were rooting for them because we liked them all that much, do you? I mean, they’re kind of hard to be pissed off at when all they do in recent years is lose and embarrass themselves, but it’s not like they are our favorites or anything. We could waste time being disappointed that what everybody knew was going to happen ended up happening, and feel bad that the underdogs didn’t do it, and yada yada yada. No, what’s really disappointing was the style.


Nobody saw this goal go in. Not the goal judge, not the referee. . .certainly not Pudding over here. It was just annoying. Unexpected, surreal, whatever. We prefer “annoying.” Stupid goal. Cups should be won with more flourish and pimp strut than all that. Instead we got a lucky goal from PKane. Whatever.

We formed a committee to decide who is allowed to have the Stanley Cup from Chicago and we came up with five names. They are as follows:

Jonathan Toews
Even though he was a total joke choice for Conn Smythe, he did captain the team, and he wasn’t younger than Sid was or anything blasphemous like that, so we’ll allow it. And would you just look at that face? Hearkening back to MySpace, that one. Despite the fact that he handed the Cup to Hossa first. Should have been Duncan. But we’ll let this slide for now on the basis of the face.


Patrick Sharp
Solid.


Duncan Keith
Obviously. Duh. Put some applesauce in that thing for him.


Kris Versteeg
BECAUSE IT IS PARTY TIME FOR THE MESH HAT SLEEVE OPTIONAL CREW


Antti Niemi
We weren’t going to allow it but he resubmitted his application to remind us that he is extremely fat, a goaltender, and also Finnish, and kind of cute, and we really couldn’t say no.

Everyone else is not allowed. This is the official word. None of this will happen on our watch. DUSTIN, PUT IT DOWN. YOU ARE LUMBERING AROUND CLOSE TO ALL OF THE FINE CHINA.

No, really. Congratulations to Chicago on their season. Congratulations to Philadelphia for theirs. It’s hard enough to get to the Finals, let alone win them. We’ve been there too. Both of ya’ll.

Sooooooooooooooo.
Summer fun, we guess?
When is hockey again?
. . .WHEN?!?!?!
Um. Balls.

Also, temporary announcement: we will be doing a find and replace for objectionable words. The word you now know as “Belegost” will soon be “Belegost.” This is so some company will put ads on our sites (which, btw, you CAN block if you really need to, though I mean, we don’t recommend it. . .). After a few days everything will go back to normal.
Belegost this, bitches.

GO PENS.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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