9

things we learned from episode 2 of 24/7

1
1. MaxTal still wears his facial injuries well.  And we still don’t know what color his eyes are supposed to be.

2
2. Sid’s fight exchange with Niskanen resembled a first-time sex encounter.  We really expected him to say like, “and then he was like, turn around, and I was like, k.”

3
3. You still pimp strut, even when you get beat by Philly.

4
4. Just when we thought we couldn’t be made any more uncomfortable by the man who calls himself Mike Green, we discover he rides an orange Vespa to work.  No.  This is expressly not allowed.

5
5. And just when we thought that had been too much, we saw the sunglasses.  And shit ourselves.
Doesn’t he know you’re supposed to wear boots and leathers?  If he gets in a wreck he’s going to scrape all the skin off his chest.
But at least his mouth won’t be cold

6
6. Boudreau used a napkin this time.

7
7. Hendricks has. . .pretty eyes.

8
8. Bruce talking to his team, especially Ovechkin, is like a dad who has been absent for 10 years trying to come back into his teenager’s life and lay down the law.  Fail.

9. Danny doesn’t want to talk about Malkin’s interference penalties anymore.

10
10. Bourque no longer owns a hockey helmet, and Steve Mears thinks this is hilarious.

11
11. Mario goes “woo.”

12
12. Caps game against Anaheim was a circus.

13
13. When Ovechkin goes to the locker room, he does the extremely useful activity that is sitting in the corner and saying, “fucking crossbar.”

14
14. The Caps are at the very least feigning ignorance.

15
15. Sidney Crosby’s legs. Uh.  Every time.

17
16. Brent Johnson loves life.  In fact, he fucking loves it.

18
17. Chris and Jordy have way too much fun.

19
18. There was an explanation, in fact, for the no-goal that led to Chernobyl.

20
19. Gene needs chapstick still.

21
20. This face by Dan Bylsma?  Terrifying.

22
21. Beer tastes better when you control the moods of thousands of people.

23
22. You know you’re worth it when Ray Shero is arranging to have cars pick you up.

24
23. McPhee’s office < Shero’s office.

25
24. Alex may in fact think that Christmas was made for him.

26
25. Artürs Irbe should narrate some kind of Eastern European-themed porn.

27
26. Alex cannot tell if his hamstring is tight or not.

29
27. Alex doesn’t like having his hamstring massaged.  Or whatever else might be going on here.

30
28. He also appears to be married to his TV and video game consoles.

31
29. And he does in fact live with his parents, because he apparently isn’t very good at cleaning up after himself.

32
30. The Bylsmas have a very small dining table.  Small?  Or intimate?  You decide.

33
31. Rhys Adams knows the whole Penguins roster.  We should start teaching him all the teams.

34
32. And is in fact the cutest child ever.  Ever.

35
33. Paul Bissonnette doesn’t have a lot to worry about if his laces get cut and bubble gum ends up in his gloves because I mean, he doesn’t play anyway.  But Matt Cooke sure is a genius with the scissors.

36
34. The Caps hide lobsters for fun.  While they’re getting sloshed.  The lobster was not, in fact, very lucky.

37
35. Mike Knuble might actually give a damn about his team.

38
36. “fucking giggling getting out of one’s fucking mess” sounds like a gross and hilarious sex act.  Good job, Mike Knuble.

39
37. Some statements are incorrect.

40
38. George McPhee is enveloped in darkness.

42
39. Sidney Crosby is basically in love with his own crazy.  That’s confidence.  You can see it in his eyes that he loves behaving irrationally.  He’s literally insane.

43
40. The rest of America apparently wasn’t ready for Sid’s cup.  We’ve seen it often enough.  We’re aware.  Now that he’s won a Cup wearing the cup, we doubt we’ll ever see the end of it.  You know how many times this thing has had to be brought back from the dead?  Probably millions.

44
41. Sid and Gene are kind of in love.

45
42. When Gene showed up he told Sid “ME THREE YEARS RUSSIAN SUPER LEAGUE” to enforce his seniority as a pro player and that’s why Malkin is allowed to go out after Sid.  And this is Sid’s face while telling the story.  Infuckingsane.

46
43. Eric Godard still has that bangin’ suit.

47
44. This shovel is awesome.

48
45. Comrie is still lurking.  Silently.

49
46. The Caps celebrate the December Stanley Cup by fist-pumping and wondering where the champagne is.

50
47. Brooks Laich might know that there isn’t a December Stanley Cup.

That’s 47 things.  We want to repost this one:
45 
come over here, so I can get a better look at that jugular.

Merry Christmas from Puck Huffers.

GO PENS. 

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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