ugh.

So they Pens play the ‘Yotes in a few hours, and we haven’t even gotten around to comprehending exactly what happened last night during the Ducks game.
Srsly.
What a weird event.
We’re going to roll out the red carpet here right quick before we have to have it dry-cleaned during the game so that it sparkles again when we bring it out tonight.

MOMENT THAT YOU DEFINITELY REMEMBERED AT THE END OF THE GAME
First of all:
Not even two minutes into the game, fellas.
Can we get a warning? A pro-wrestling type threat to the camera before ice time?
Anything?
We are just concerned for the mothers.

And then, like that wasn’t enough, this beginning also included one Brooks Orpik almost scoring.
Brooks Orpik scoring is like sex in high school. You never know when or if it’ll happen, but when you get THIS CLOSE and fail, it feels like the world is about to come crashing down around you.

Not. Fun.

MOST EXCITING PERIOD WHERE SHIT DIDN’T REALLY HAPPEN

The first, by far.
The photographs tell a brutal, interesting, melancholy tale of intrigue, justice, and revenge.
But, in reality, the scoreboard is still at 0-0 well into the second period.
(Seriously, really look at that one. Money in the bank.)
This is a perfect showing of why we love hockey-
The scoreboard can’t tell you how interesting the game has been. You’ve just gotta watch ‘n’ see to know which way it’s going.

FIRST SHIT THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND YOU WISHED IT HADN’T
Ryan puts one into our net, and suddenly there is a score.
Just…not one that we want to see.
Press was too busy trying to see if Hillary Duff was in the audience, excited by her recent appearance in Community.
They tried to pass a quick one off on us, but we know this photo isn’t any good.
That’s comic sans.
Who are you, someone’s 12 year old nephew with a limp and a lisp? No one uses comic sans.
That’s just offensive.
(We are fully in favor of Pennsylvania Prop 94, which is to ban all imagine containing Comic Sans from even showing up. Without your support, it may go the way of California Prop 19, so get to the polls. Uhh…next election day.)

MOMENT YOU WISHED SHIT WOULD STOP HAPPENING ALREADY OMG SRSLY STOP IT
Getzlaf scores.

Koivu scores.
You’re somewhere with the press, rolling around on the floor, begging for forgiveness or death or whiskey.

THE MOMENT SWEET REVENGE ALMOST HAPPENED
Sidney Crosby at some point realizes that shit else ain’t happening and he had best step in and try to do something.
He gives some hope at the end of the second with the help of the charming defensive squad, Mister LeHair and Mister LeEars GoGo.
At the beginning of the third he makes it seem like screaming THIRD PERIOD TEAM is once again appropriate, though the days of being a third period team now seem long ago.
We would split this into two awards, but to be honest with you we only have one more photo left from this game, and even though it’s from the first period and not of a goal being scored, it seems fitting.

MOMENT WE WEREN’T A THIRD PERIOD TEAM
(not actually from this game, but you get the point.)

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

THE WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO AFTER THE FIRST PERIOD AWARD
Press.
Did you decide that this was your off night?

WORST COAST TO HAVE A GAME ON IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE AWAKE AT SOME GODAWFUL HOUR WATCHING HOCKEY WHEN YOU WORK ON SATURDAY MORNING.
Boooooooooooooooooooooooo.

ALT THREE STARS

We reserve the right to cancel the “alt three stars.”
We are now choosing to exercise that right.
The Pens played well, but overall we aren’t exactly pleased with the seasonal performance.
You can play well all that you want, but you have to take it home in the end, and we are’t doing that enough these days. Play hard and win, that’s how you earn the nights that you play hard but still let it slip away somehow.

We’re on the ice again in a few hours, boys. Make it happen. Please
GO PENS.
Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

ugh

Puck Daddy and the Post-Gazette have the Pens/Caps Winter Classic set for Heinz Field this coming New Year’s Day.

We said our peace about this shit already way back in March.

Oh NHL. Whatever.
Cup Finals on Saturday.
This ad campaign is actually pretty cool and features Billy G being a child with a pretty incredible skeez-beard:

GO PENS.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

boo, you whores.

Hey everyone, can we get a round of applause for Zoe, who has expertly covered all things PH while I have been dying alive?
*applause*
Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, let’s be bitter.
<t with the campbell, if possible>
We forever reject the non-touching of conference trophies.
Seriously.
They are called balls, and you can probably find them in your mother’s uterus where you left them. Maybe then you’ll be man enough to get shit done. But we kind of still doubt it.
So, here’s our position on the whole finals thing.
Seeing as the Habs probably aren’t going to have Stunning Comeback pt.2, the finals are going to be the Flyers and the motherfucking Blackhawks. We used to like the Hawks. Now they make us want to slaughter innocent children.
The got arrogant without struggle.
The got cocky without history.
Nothing is backing up those egos. Plus, having already lost the Cup as Pens fans, seeing Hossa lose again is probably the next best thing (if the Blue Jackets are going to keep on ‘a failing.) Srsly. We’ll throw a party.
So, we guess that brings it down to this: We’re rooting for the Flyers.
If you can’t go home team, backup team, second backup team, third backup team, or the Louisiana Muskrats, you might as well root in-state. Tuition is cheaper.
<flyers doing something>
We know it hurts.
Trust us, we got signed up to write the Puck Daddy eulogy for the Flyers before the playoffs even started. Most enjoyable post of the year, and we’re rooting against ourselves being able to write it.

,br>

This is a tough one, but we just can’t go any other way. At least the Flyers have been playing some enjoyable hockey, and that’s really all we ever ask of anyone. Well, and for everyone to not be so goddamn fat, but we can’t get everything all the time and we’ll choose our battles wisely.
<fatfatfatfat>
Well, really, we choose this battle too. But we’ll deal with that in the off season with some expertly mailed slim fast and crystal meth. Making the NHL a better place one priority mail box at a time.
It IS hockey. The Habs could always call on the hockey gods to make something happen. But we all just kind of know it’s not going to go down like that. If we’re wrong, hey, we’ll have some unexpected writing to do over at Yahoo!Sports. But we’re not really gearing ourselves up for it.
Here’s one last look of JoeJoe looking hot and bothered for the road.
<adsksdkjfhas>
And with that, we bit the Sharks farewell.
At least you didn’t choke until round three this time, boys.
<sad>

And, of course, as always;
Go Pens.

Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

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