So this is definitely the part where we forget what losing feel like.
With a 10-0-0 L10, no one wants to see the Penguins in their arena. They get enough of that shit in their nightmares.
7 games outside of the team and league record, if you look at it correctly, the 7th game ends up being the Caps. We’re also just a touch shy of the 35-game undefeated streak the Flyers once threw down.
MOST IMPRESSIVE LAUNDERING
We are incredibly proud to have Mister Bill “watches you while you pee at Nassau Coliseum” Guerin retire as a Pittsburgh Penguins. He said a lot of wonderful things about how our team and city enchanted him, and we appreciate that because, well, frankly we think anyone who wouldn’t be enchanted by the Penguins and this city is retarded.
On another note, we also appreciate that crease in Mr. Guerin’s pants, Mrs. Guerin. Good showing.
(If this somehow offends you, ladies, please return to the kitchen where you can find the proper fixings to make your man a sandwich, before he catches you on the internet and has to show you what’s what.)
MOST UNEXPECTED FAIL
And no, we are not referencing the hilarious Caps loss against the Leafs tonight.
Though, as said, hilarious.
It’s totally not like we’re obsessed with Ovechkin’s failures.
We just appreciate good photo journalism.
That lighting, those angles…
Anyway, where were we? Let’s try this again.
MOST UNEXPECTED FAIL, TAKE TWO
Pascal gets called into the box for some alone time with the offcials’ wives.
Arnott does something. Rolston does something else.
Somehow, this adds up to the Pens PK failing.
That doesn’t even make sense.
THE FASTEST AND AWESOMEST REDEMPTION
The word “awesomest” is only really allowed to exist for moments like the one shortly after the failed PK, where Crosby takes a pass with his skate, kicks it up to his puck, and then beams it over to Kunitz who puts it in the net like he saw it in a dream.
MOMENT YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOUR LEFT ARM TO BED MISTER ADAMS
We realize that if this were in fact an option, many of us would have lost our left arms long before this point, and sawed off our right arms in order to try and convince someone that it was another left arm, hoping the wouldn’t check the elbow bending action before accepting the deal.
However, if arms could regenerate, we’d have done it all over again after Adams went to arms to defend Martin, making us all feel a little special in our bating suit areas.
Oh if I could get you into the captain’s quarters of the boat, what I’d do to you…
MOMENT YOU WERE REALLY, REALLY AFRAID YOU’D HAVE TO EVENTUALLY WAKE UP FROM THIS FEVER DREAM
Sidney Crosby, much like Sidney Crosby’s ass, defies physics just by existing.
Every single day we are getting more afraid that he is just our Tyler Durden and we are two wrong steps away from seeing him shave his head and tell us he’s turned our mothers into soap. Seriously. His existence is fucking illogical.
GoGo Gets it close, Cappy picks it up, and we aren’t if sure if we believe this shit anymore.
MOST T.O.I. OF ANYONE, EVER
Well, maybe not, but with over 10 minutes logged, we felt like we were getting a lot of quality time with Godsy.
Zoe claims that there was a moment where I blinked and Godard even stopped frankenskating and skated like a real hockey player.
I’m not saying I believe it, but man-oh-man is it nice to see this man on the ice.
MOMENT YOU REALIZED THAT THIS WINNING STREAK IS STRETCHING YOUR NERVES A LITTLE THIN
The dwindling moments of the game had you screaming at everyone in the room as LeHair was amazing and Adams was acting heroic and everyone on the ice was basically playing like it was their last day on earth and oh god oh god is it really going to be ten in a row?!?!
Just ask this man.
PENS WIN 2-1
CUTEST REACTION TO A GOAL THAT WASN’T EVEN HIS
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1) Craig Adams
For making our baby makers hurt
(Not from this game, but dayum)
For stickin’ it to ‘em, or at least for trying to.
3) Billy G
One last time.
So…basically we’ve got both everything to lose and everything to gain.
Try not to worry your little heads too much over it.
Just remember. Stay calm. Breathe. Remember that Sidney Crosby is somehow, by the good grace of Curry, on your team.