Breaking News: Shit Gets Serious in Canada

Here’s a little interlude that I prepared for you while Consol was trying to find the light switch.

News from the North 

Canadian media coverage tends to go as follows:


misery loves company
AKA Misery Loves Company

Now that’s mostly because I live in Southern Ontario. But there’s kind of a trend. Venture West and all you’ll hear is ‘Nucks. Head East and who fucking knows what’s said there because no one this side of Montreal actually speaks French, but I expect it focuses on the Habs.

But to hell with those deeply rooted, slightly insane, violently defended allegiances.
Dear GOD, something happened to Sid!
Canada is united, we are all Crosby fans.

The man is a national treasure, nay, national HERO.

You think I’m joking, but no. It’s all the more clear right now, when the CBC, and I think everyone else in Canada, is honouring the anniversary of the Olympics. (Sorry about that, by the way. I’m going to mention the gold though for just a second if you don’t mind.) Before the games, there DID exist Canadians who could give or take the Kid, but no longer. In Canada, there is Gold and there is Failure, with no in between. No one has called him “The Kid” for a year now. He’s “The Golden Boy”.
(Maybe someday he’ll be a man and have a nickname that reflects his graduation from puberty.)

This is where I made the mistake of google image searching “Golden Boy” to find a nice photo of Sid. Instead I got a ton of some Hentai show.

So anyway, when our boy Sid is in trouble, everyone drops their shit. Needless to say, the Canadian Media has a new focus. The world is basically ending up in here.

It wasn’t so bad at first, but as the weeks go on, things are getting bleak. Initially, people were saying how fortunate his hot streak was, since it gave him some time to get better before coming back to rightfully claim every award a player can earn in one year.

But now it’s been almost 2 months and his season is slipping away. Like most Canadians, realizing that Sid might actually lose this season sent me into a tear filled panic attack. So, we’re turning to science. We’re already praying to God(Curry), but just in case, it’s good to cover all bases.

The media has been consulting sciencey types to try and make us feel better /strike us with crippling fear, depending on the angle of the story. We’re running out of experts. If you are in Canada and your Grandma’s cat’s vet once treated a concussion in a poodle, then you have already appeared in a newspaper, magazine, on the radio, or TV. We’ve now exhausted all knowledge on concussions, but this is CROSBY, so we’ll go make some more.
Yes, Sid’s injury is dictating our national research initiatives.

All other research can sit the hell down because we have other priorities. Fuck cancer, fuck erectile dysfunction, NOTHING is more important than Sid’s brain.

The University of Ottawa…
That’s Canada’s capital city, btw. Not Toronto. Toronto is the capital of Ontario. You just learned something. Unless, you already knew. In that case, Good Job!

So, the University of Ottawa spent I’m assuming millions of dollars of grant money to recreate Steckel’s hit on Sid.

boom boom pow
It’s SUPER sciencey.

Sorry I can’t embed the video for you. Even Doctor Zoe, Last of the Time Lords couldn’t manage it. So here’s the link. Go look because the video gets all slow motion and like wwooooaaooh. It’s black and white at the end too, so all in all very eerie.

It called Hits to the head: Scientists explain Sidney Crosby’s concussion. Note that they do not actually explain his concussion. A lot of articles are called something like that now because all we want to know is what’s wrong and when it will get better. No one knows such things, but the press likes to make you think they know and then let you down.

sids brain
They did suggest that Sid’s brain may have potentially looked something like this sorta. What the rainbow means, no one knows.
Still, as vague as that is, I find it disturbing.

The only immediate accomplishment from the study is that it proved that no other helmet would have protected Sid any better. In fact, they’re thinking that hockey helmets aren’t protecting against concussions much at all.

The real purpose of the study is to bring more info to Canada’s first hockey safety summit that started today. I don’t know how long this summit has been in the works, but wouldn’t it make this post even better if they called it after Sid’s concussion?

Anyhoo, apparently this research is exciting stuff. The article states, “No one else in the world is doing exactly this type and extent of research. To be sure, nowhere else in the world does it matter more than in a country whose undisputed sports hero has gone from bionic golden boy to one more broken pro athlete.”
It matters so, SO much! When it was suggested that Crosby may never be the same, I cried a little. As in actual tears. I blame this part of the article.

“Assuming Crosby does play again, and fans, competitors and sports analysts never notice a difference in his game, Cusimano insists the concussion will haunt him forever.”

Fuck you Cusimano!! FUCK YOU!!!!1!

This must never EVER happen again! We’re examining all of hockey up here; from the NHL, down through juniors, to your 2 year old on your backyard rink who can only stay upright by using his stick as a third leg.
If hockey could do this to Sid, something must be wrong with hockey.
We’re learning how to fix brains, we’ll change the game if needed, and we’re even ready to make giant padded dome helmets.

spaceballs 2
Another strong possibility.


So, that’s your little insight into the mysteries of your neighbor to the North.

Game recap will be headed your way courtesy of Zoe. She’s currently drinking away the memory of Patrick Marleau, so I would put the ETA somewhere tomorrow morning.