BROTHER STEVEN AND THE MIDGETS TRY TO SAVE THE DUCK: A One-Act Stage Play

In this short one-act stage play, which can be acted out at home with friends, Dwayne Roloson is a duck.  That’s really all you need to know.  Also, Pittsburgh is a metaphysical playland.

Scene 1

The world is new and dark as the sun sets on the city of Pittsburgh. At the center of the Consol Energy Center ice, a small pool of water can be seen glistening in the lights. Two figures emerge from the pool, which appears to be eternally deep.

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack?

BROTHER STEVEN
Shhh, Dwayne. This is important. You have to get your shit together, okay??

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quaaaaack.

The PITTSBURGH PENGUINS step onto the ice. The pool at the center freezes over, and ROLOSON waddles towards his net, quacking softly. MARC-ANDRE FLEURY sharpens the harpoon in his hand.

MARC-ANDRE FLEURY
Do you guys think you got this?

KRIS LETANG
Sure, we got this. Just. . .go over there.

MARC-ANDRE FLEURY
I’m back here for you guys, you know, if you need me.

KRIS LETANG draws his sword, and tries his secret unicorn call, waiting for the majestic stag to come galloping over section 122, but he hasn’t seen his friend in far too long.

KRIS LETANG
We’ll be fine, Marc. You just sit there and look pretty.

The first period begins, and FLEURY must hold the fort during repeated attacks. His harpoon feels heavy in his hands. Meanwhile, ROLOSON quacks behind the play.

Scene 2

A heavy fog lifts as the TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING crowd around DWAYNE ROLOSON in the dressing room. He is crying pathetically.

MARTIN ST. LOUIS
We have to help him. We have to do something.

RYAN MALONE
I can only do so much, guys. Someone is going to have to do something. Victor? You alive over there?

VICTOR HEDMAN
Unnnnnnhhhhh.

RYAN MALONE
That’s right! We’re going to get them in the third, right boys?

VICTOR HEDMAN
Unhgh!!!

STEVE DOWNIE gnaws on bones in the corner. He stands up, and stands over ROLOSON, drooling.

STEVE DOWNIE
You know what happens to ducks when they die?

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack??

STEVE DOWNIE
They float. Feet up. Heh. . .heh. . .

BROTHER STEVEN
Shut up, Steve! You’re scaring him! We have to save him!

STEVE DOWNIE
He should be scared, kid. . .

The team gathers and exits the room, as fog fills it once more.

Scene 3
ALEXEI KOVALEV sees nothing but darkness. His vision has gone black and he feels pain and uncertainty. He drags himself up, and light returns to him. He realizes that he is alone. The puck is on his stick. He puts it behind DWAYNE ROLOSON without having to think. The deed has been done.

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quaaaack!

There is nothing all around but light, and noise. But the journey is hardly done.

MARTIN ST. LOUIS
This isn’t fair! (Bleeds)

ARRON ASHAM
Fuck you! (Scores)

BROTHER STEVEN
This is really, really quite unfair, you guys!

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack. Sigh.

GUY BOUCHER
Don’t do shit unless I tell you you can do shit, men. Hold the line. Don’t. . .don’t. . .

CHRIS KUNITZ
Boom!

GUY BOUCHER
Shit.

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack!!!

The light and noise overwhelm the city.

While we are happy, we know, no one is safe.

THE END

Apologies in advance for this. I had a fever today.
The Pens literally did the “grind these bitches down” play.
WHAT A SERIES ALREADY. More later.

GO PENS.

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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