I dare say I am cursed.
Some amazing games have been happening recently. Where have I been for those recaps? Probably doing something elicit. Or, more realistically, sleeping, seeing as I am Old now and I am often ready to be tucked in shortly after the final buzzer. My quick turnaround from world traveling hockey fanatic who’d stay up to 2 a.m. just to watch a 1 minute 23 second locker room interview to tired old geezer who has a strict bedtime and can keep bottles of alcohol in the house for weeks is possibly bad news for the Penguins.
In a time when I ate whiskey on my Cheerios, we won the fucking Stanley Cup.
So let’s you and me do something irresponsible tonight.
Let’s light that fire we used to have here. Let’s bring back the luck of my recaps.
I’ve got a ton of drinking material, milk, a Sam’s Club size jar of pickles, and work in the morning.
Imma publish this recap in parts, because it’s about to get intimate in here.
Keep wearing your lucky jerseys. I’ll get my lucky drink on.
ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT TO GET REAL
MOST GUT WRENCHING PHOTOGRAPH EVER, TO DATE
Let’s get this out of the way, guh.
“It’s like the first time you come back to your hometown after college and everything is really weird.” – The Master of Nailing it Down, Zoe.
We’ve changed. He’s changed.
We’ll always love him…but he’s our fond-memory ex who now has a new lady.
No analagy will make it better. We miss Max in that sucky way that means we know we don’t need him, but we still kind of want him. We’re sad that our guys aren’t his daily buds anymore. We’re sad we don’t see him out and about. We’re sad his ugly ass house had to be sold to some poor other human.
Max – you belong on the Flyers now, and we regret nothing. But we kinda miss your face.
xoxo – PH & gang.
LIVE UPDATE: ACCORDING TO THE INTERNET HE STILL OWNS THAT GODAWFUL HOUSE.
REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT OF THE CENTURY.
DUMBEST GOAL IN RECORDED HISTORY
It pains us to know that if this goal hadn’t occurred, we could have easily won this game, OT or SO style.
Celebrate all you want, corpse-boy, this has sold-soul written all over it.
Just you wait until you are having thumbtacks shoved up your urethra in hell.
Only a tiny bit later does someone on the Flyers get a really clear shot at the net. Harnell has a wide open net right in front of him. Misses. Clearly the Flyers need the help of ten skates to get a puck into the net.
MOST SEXUALLY AWAKENED IN-GAME BLOGGER
The gal on duty tonight:
“Jagr uses those thick, strong legs of his to power into the Pens’ zone.”
I could say “bet you wish he’d use them to power into YOUR zone” but I respect a lady who can use such language and expect to be taken seriously on the interwebs. I mean, we do it every day. And worse.
Say, didn’t we once run a feature in which we discussed what players say “the morning after?”
Rock on, Michelle Crechiolo. Rock on.
Guess who is the Happiest Girl because she bought a spot-remover instead of that cotton candy machine she wanted and thus was saved when she spilled adult chocolate milk all over the carpet? This girl, mostly because she also bought the cotton candy machine.
THE SHUT YOUR FACES AWARD
I can’t get the spacing to work right anymore. Whatever. At some horrible point in the second period the Flyers think it would be HILARIOUS to score another goal. And then another.
Philly is not the greatest place on earth.
But it has some awesome things in it that you discover when you must live there for years on end. There are some good parks. There are some amazing places to shove your face full of delicious food (explaining Mr. Hartnells fatness and, dare I observe, possible diabetes) including the most awesome Italian restaurant ever in an America that loves places like the “Olive Garden” and other horrible garbage restaurants that want to serve you SPEGHETTI AND MEATBALLS – SERIOUSLY GET OUT OF A PLACE IF IT IS EVER ON THE MENU AND IT IS NOT A DINER.
But when the Flyers play there is just a certain part of me that wants to burn the whole place to the ground. Their people suck. Their sports suck. Good food can’t redeem you, Philly, I apologize.
I will still visit you to eat at your eateries and to sometimes walk the streets I used to walk, drinking half gallons of iced tea mixed with alcohol and riding my bike around like a useless hipster (my bike is still chained to something there in an ally….God bless it) but if you so much as try to disrespect my hockey team I will start an arson chain like you wouldn’t believe.
Which is really saying something for you, Philadelphia.
NEWEST SEXUAL FANTASY OF ALL PITTSBURGH WOMEN
Double teamed by Malkin and James Neal, much like the puck in the second period that led to yet another James Neal moment. Undocumented, but here is something cute that we can pretend is the same thing
James Neal is kind of like these flavored vodkas in the way that I greatly enjoy them, but I can’t be sure witches aren’t involved.
I am getting kind of confused about Events and Happenings.
My man friend soon-to-be-husband
(Fiance is such a gay word for a man)
is making Anger Noises from the other room.
I think he is distressed.
My cat just took a nose dive out of the Jewish Christmas Tree in my living room.
Things are getting Scary and Strange for me.
Am I creating a broken home?
As long as the Penguins win, worth it.
OLDEST SEXUAL FANTASY OF MINE
Brooks and Malks make it happen, together, just for me, like old times.
It doesn’t save the game but it saves my night.
Pens lose, but I’m pretty sauced, so next time I’ll be recappin’ a win. I FEEL IT.
I just sneezed and it felt like an earthquake
THE BEAUTY, ETC… AWARD
MAX TALBOT AND BROOKS ORPIK, BOTH.
ALT THREE STARS:
(Zoe, I put it on my bucket list that I would learn to do your name correctly. I will learn the alt code RIGHT NOW: Zoë
(oh god it’s harder on a laptop I just googles “noël” and copy and pasted the results, I will learn, I am sorry ): )
Steve the Cat
Time for this old gal to pass out.