Okay, wait. Before I get started I need to point and laugh at the Trib.
From the photo and video on Zoe’s link yesterday:
“That was Jordan Staal really having his way with Zetterberg at both ends of the ice.” – Josh Yohe
You make me sad, Trib.
Oh, the game. Right.
MOST ANNOYING TEAM TO PLAY AGAINST
The Devils, obviously. If that statement surprised you, you’re probably eating glue right now.
Well, let’s settle in for 60 minutes of 5 red jerseys sitting in the neutral zone.
Srsly, no one knows how to ruin hockey like the Debs.
BRODEUR ISN’T DEAD?
You remember that amazing goalie who broke those records and tore shit up in NJ for years? Yeah, he’s still alive. No, I thought he died over the summer too.
You may also be surprised to hear that Eddie Murphy is still alive.
People are talking about being able to recognize Brodeur again and less than 2 minutes in you believe it. Brodeur is playing the puck all over the fucking place and starts his team up the ice where Rolston puts away a slap shot before the Pens even know the puck has been dropped.
Halfway through the first, our boys are finally realizing you can’t casually dump the puck into the Devils end. It’s like throwing marbles at a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
Baha, hippo. What an appropriate analogy. I’m a genius.
You can’t put a puck near Brodeur and not expect him to jump all over that shit.
He will CONSUME it. So hungry hungry.
WORST COMBINATION OF M AND M
I was very excited when we acquired Martin and Mychalek, but they are neither a rapper nor a delicious chocolaty treat.
The Debs manage to invade our house for just long enough to make you want to shampoo the carpet, but it’s okay because Martin picks up the puck. But then it’s not okay. Martin tries to reverse it to Mychalek behind the net, but either Mychalek was too busy watching Gossip Girl to get to the puck or Martin has the upper body strength of a Gossip Girl and can barely move a puck. The pass doesn’t connect and Palmieri intercepts it for a quick tuck behind BJ.
Kovalchuk takes a slapper and hits it so hard that his stick breaks and a chunk of it goes flying over the protective netting. Okay, that was a little impressive, but Chucky still costs about half a million dollars per point. The sad thing is, with 7 whole points to his name, Michalek costs about the same.
This is the only photo I saw of Kovalchuk. That he happens to be down and getting run over in it is just a coincidence.
SOMETHING GOOD THEN SOMETHING AWFUL
Like Caddyshack and then the sequel most people pretend doesn’t exist.
MaxTal manages a sexy breakaway and ends up taking a shot between his legs while moving backwards toward the net. It’s actually a good shot too. Honestly, MaxTal’s abundant tack usually makes me happy, but never ever happy in my pants. That makes this hot and bothered feeling extra impressive. And it makes my rage even more terrifying when Maxi takes a penalty for crashing into Brodeur.
The ref called this entirely because Uncle Daddy is fat and old and everyone is scared he will break a hip if anyone ever touches him. I bet it makes sex really awkward.
Ew, now I’m thinking of old fatty sex.
Steigy and Errey get noticably pissed when, early in the 2nd, Max gets shoved into Brodeur and takes another penalty for breathing on him. Are these calls out of respect/reverence for Marty? I’ll admit I teared up a bit when he broke the win record a couple years ago, but he’s a big boy (and an asshole), he doesn’t need you to hold his hand.
BEST FLEURY SUBSTITUTE
Brent Johnson makes some gorgeous saves to keep us in it.
It’s a little unreal how aware he is and the way he tracks the puck. Life with a solid, sexy net staff feels even better when Toronto used 3 goalies in 2 games this week. Life is cush in Pensville, especially when it sucks in other places.
Near the end of the 2nd, there’s a scramble in front of the Devil’s net and a push from Cookie sends Brodeur over like a domino. It was probably a penalty, but after the 2 shady goalie interference calls on Talbot in the 1st, the refs are having none of this.
It’s always a nice guilty pleasure getting away with a non-call, but a penalty is a penalty and it should have gotten it’s 2 minutes. Crazy refs and their shenanigans.
Dupuis gets a gold star for intercepting a lazy pass in the offensive zone. He centers it for Sid, who isn’t playing, so there’s no one there and the lonely puck sails into empty ice. *sigh*
Oh Captain my Captian.
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT COOKE IS COOKING? HINT: IT’S COOKIES.
Cooke does his job perfectly, making a fool of Arnott, as he draws a penalty. Finally, a power play. We don’t score, but we get some nice shots and you can tell that the boys have found their game.
If only they could have done that earlier than 5 minutes into the 3rd. To be fair, when figuring out how to play without your two superstars, a 45 minute learning curve is pretty fucking good.
This is a picture of stuff happening and getting chances and shit. Visual aids!
BEST USE OF TESTICLES
Max takes it upon himself to be amazing and fights Sestito.
Who the fuck is Sestito? No one cares.
Talbot checks his teeth on the way off the ice and they’re fine, but I think he could rock a missing tooth. I feel it would only add to his tack, which seems to charm some people.
We’re playing much better and getting shots, but as the clock runs down you detect the pungent odour of oncoming shame. Yes, the shutout is now the pickle on the shit sandwich of this game.
Man! I want to recap a W. We’re rocking a .646 point percentage and I’ve covered 2 games. So, statistically, 1.3 of those games should have been in the win column.
Dibs on the next Oilers match up.
MOST BROKEN HIPS
Well, either he just broke a hip or he’s about to eat the puck. That expression is hard to read.
BEST USE OF FLOW
This hair is either getting ridiculous or sexified. Also hard to read.
Alternative 3 Stars
1. Max Tal – 13 and 3 in the face off circle (81%), provided a much needed fight, and had to take it up the ass on those bullshit interference calls
2. Cooke – for pissing people off and being a human wrecking ball
3. My Toblerone bar – satisfying when this game was not
I would say we shit the bed here, but honestly, just finding our way to the rink feels like an accomplishment. I know we have a team that can overcome 4 injuries (1 of which is Comrie, so let’s just call it 3) even if 2 of those injuries account for 30% of our cap. But going into this game knowing we had never played without Sid and Geno before was the worst kind of psyche out. So, considering how depressed I was at 7pm, I’m taking our ability to turn it around in the 3rd as a win. Case closed.
Congrats to the Devils for not being abysmal failures for a while.
Next Game: Staal reunion, Saturday at 7pm.
Maybe Eric is coming to discuss Sid’s signing bonus for the All Star Draft.