dust in the wake

The All-Star Weekend has ended, and it leaves us with the same old question of “what were we supposed to take away from this, again?” It’s nothing more than a party, and not even the biggest party that you’re going to end up at this year. It’s a small one, with not a lot of beer in the fridge. Fleury and Letang both received an inordinate amount of hair points. We lost track of their hair, so we made educated guesses. That’s the numbers side of it. But what really did you feel and learn? What did you experience?


First of all, ASG Weekend is great for fans, who happen to be able to travel to the city in which the game is being held, for whatever reason, i.e. they had the money and could somehow get off of work. Maybe we’ll understand this when we’re older. And, you know, for the hockey fans in the host city, who generally deserve the event as long as it isn’t being held in Montreal. Congrats, NHL. You really do us a solid.


Now, to a more important point. THESE ARE THE HEADSHOTS THE NHL DID THIS YEAR????????????????????

Are we getting our fucking senior pictures done in 1997?
Marc-Andre’s is even more appalling:

this helpful tidbit is provided by Getty: EDITORS NOTE: A special effects camera filter was used for this image. O RLY. THESE ARE SOME REALLY SPECIAL EFFECTS.


OH MY GOD THE INDIAN HEAD IS GLOWING. BECKONING. IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF A SIGN. WE MUST MOVE TOWARDS THE LIGHT. . .


Is. . .is it on fire?


Kindergarten.


Wherever Jeff Skinner goes, the shining stars follow his joy.


Not even Henrik Lundqvist’s Ken-Doll charm can make this look classy. In fact, you could probably crop this picture and say it is a still from an 80′s porno. No one will be able to prove you wrong.

Ryan Kesler got to take two: one sassy, one happy. Let’s do happy first:

Ryan, what are you so thrilled about today?

Oh, you want to smirk us into oblivion? We accept this fate.


David Backes is the answer.


Literally rolled out of bed and brushed the Cheetos off of himself. No shame.


You can really tell in Price’s shot. They set up a stage light. And hung a jersey in front of it. Who got the go-ahead to produce these with that directive? Whatever your name is, sir or madam, you should submit your latest ideas to Tyra Banks, since they’d fit right in with an early season episode of ANTM.


AAAHHH CREEPY TWOFER. *shudder* It’s like trying to fit your sons into a family picture.



Matt Duchene probably asked for extra prints of this to give to his family and save in the hope chest.


Finally, as we exhaust the interesting photos from this bunch, we come to Brent Burns. We had no idea who Brent Burns was, really, before the ASG. Now we know he is a defenseman for the Minnesota Wild which means we should probably hate his guts and hope he dies in an avalanche.

ACTUALLY FOLKS HE HAS A TINY DAUGHTER WHO WEARS TINY BOOTS AND IS TINY.

LOOK AT THE BIG BOW ON HER TINY HEAD.

AND HER TINY TINY HAND.

That is all.

Oh, yeah, there was some game. It was not very interesting. You can watch the full highlights here. Here’s the best part:

Raises more questions than answers, honestly. Does Ovechkin care so little about the ASG that he decided throwing his stick would be funny? Did he just want to watch another penalty shot (as if ASG weekend didn’t have enough shootout moves)? Or was he temporarily insane and thought that throwing equipment would somehow change the course of events in this very, very meaningful game? Honestly, it’s almost as meaningful as the Winter Classic.
Mattie D didn’t score, so everyone went home a little disappointed anyway.

Winter is gross this year, so we’ve gotten ahold of Cam early in the year regarding picnic planning.


He says it’s a go.

Malkin skating, still snotty. Traveling to New York.
Cryptic Sid updates.

Rangers tomorrow.
Go Pens.

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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