In today’s installment of Penguins Epics, we take a look into the deranged lives of the Pittsburgh Penguins dichotomy between frat boys and responsible students, a jointly exhaustive system.
Please drink along.
We are in the dorm rooms of the Pittsburgh Penguins. DWAYNE ROLOSON has somehow crept into the room MAX TALBOT and JAMES NEAL share, undetected, and waits until MAX is within ear range to appear.
So guys, I hear that today is Spring Fling.
What was that?
MARTY ST. LOUIS
You know, Spring Fling. What, Max, you didn’t start with kegs and eggs? Do you guys want to hang out? I have some beers back in my room.
MAX TALBOT looks panicked momentarily. His eyes are wide. He pulls at the corners of his jersey.
Max, don’t listen to him. He’s so lame. And we have a project due in the morning, for which you have done nothing.
As NEAL speaks, Talbot rummages in his closet. From inside, he pulls two forties. He twists the cap off of the first one, and begins drinking. He may also be crying, but one can’t be sure.
Max, come on man, I’ve got a paper due in the morning, we can’t do this.
DO YOU HAVE ANY DUCT TAPE?
I do. Also, isn’t it funny that spring fling falls on 4/20 this year?! How crazy! I could get us some pot if you guys wanna come with me.
(Sobbing openly as he begins duct-taping the forties to his hands.) GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE MAN, I AM BUSY, CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?!
Elsewhere, LETESTU, KENNEDY and MICHALEK are on the quad in a smoke circle, laughing about something. DWAYNE ROLOSON happens upon them, frisbee in hand.
Hey guys…can I join in?
So weird, that’s exactly what your mom asked us last night.
Hahaaa, yeah she did.
You need some silverware, cause you have been seeervedddd. Hahaaaa.
Come on, guys, let’s go get some tacos.
ROLOSON walks away, stunned by the coldness of the incredibly stoned boys on the grass. They laugh and point at him as he walks away. He heads to another place on campus where people surely won’t be so cruel: the library. There, BEN LOVEJOY sits hunched over a textbook, while ARRON ASHAM furiously scribbles notes nearby.
Hey guys, you working on that presentation for women’s studies like Max and James?
(Looking up, annoyed.) What? Who are you?
Very funny Arron. Do you guys need some help?
What? Are you even in our class? Get out of here.
DWAYNE ROLOSON sighs and walks away, heading home where he will contemplate hanging himself with a tie for the rest of the evening.
Man I fucking hate that guy.
I know, right?
MARTY ST. LOUIS runs screaming, naked, through the library. ASHAM and LOVEJOY barely look up.
Didn’t he just get out of his alcohol classes?
That guy’s the fucking worst.
Meanwhile, MARC-ANDRE FLEURY is at a relatively calm house party up the street from campus. The party goes sour when SEAN BERGENHEIM and his CREW rolls up.
Where the fuck is the keg?
Weee ‘ave some Coronas.
Yeah, that’s gay as shit, I need something better. Come on guys, let’s get some mad beers in here!
Um. Are you guys friendz weeth Kris, or…?
Who the fuck is Kris? I need mad beers!
SEAN BERGENHEIM screams about mad beers until someone find him a bottle of Everclear, which he immediately begins chugging. Moments later, he is doubled over, vomiting on MARC-ANDRE’S lap.
Thees ees horrlbe! Now what weel I wear to zee bars tonight?
Back at the dorm rooms, TALBOT is laying unconcious next to the toilet, a contented smile on his face. JAMES NEAL stands nearby, kicking him repeatedly in the ribs.
You piece of shit, wake up.
Do I seriously have to do this whole thing myself?
JAMES works through the evening to finish all of the work he and MAX were supposed to do for their project. When MAX is capable of walking again, he helps him out the door and to SIDNEY CROSBY’S house, where they are all finishing up their spring fling. Everyone meets them there, at varying levels of intoxication.
So, how was spring fling? Malks and I have been playing Mario Kart all day.
It was messy. You should have been there.
No, we good here. I beat Sid with Princess Peach.
EVERYONE laughs and settles in. MAX vomits some more in the bathroom, joints are circulated, and everyone is pleased with themselves.
It may have been the best Spring Fling ever.