DWAYNE ROLOSON HAS THE WORST SPRING FLING EVER

In today’s installment of Penguins Epics, we take a look into the deranged lives of the Pittsburgh Penguins dichotomy between frat boys and responsible students, a jointly exhaustive system. 
Please drink along.

Scene 1 

We are in the dorm rooms of the Pittsburgh Penguins. DWAYNE ROLOSON has somehow crept into the room MAX TALBOT and JAMES NEAL share, undetected, and waits until MAX is within ear range to appear.

DWAYNE ROLOSON
 
So guys, I hear that today is Spring Fling. 

MAX TALBOT
What was that?

MARTY ST. LOUIS
You know, Spring Fling. What, Max, you didn’t start with kegs and eggs? Do you guys want to hang out? I have some beers back in my room.

MAX TALBOT looks panicked momentarily. His eyes are wide. He pulls at the corners of his jersey.

JAMES NEAL
Max, don’t listen to him. He’s so lame. And we have a project due in the morning, for which you have done nothing.

As NEAL speaks, Talbot rummages in his closet. From inside, he pulls two forties. He twists the cap off of the first one, and begins drinking. He may also be crying, but one can’t be sure.

JAMES NEAL
Max, come on man, I’ve got a paper due in the morning, we can’t do this.

MAX TALBOT
DO YOU HAVE ANY DUCT TAPE?

DWAYNE ROLOSON
I do. Also, isn’t it funny that spring fling falls on 4/20 this year?! How crazy! I could get us some pot if you guys wanna come with me. 

MAX TALBOT
(Sobbing openly as he begins duct-taping the forties to his hands.)
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE MAN, I AM BUSY, CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?!

JAMES NEAL
Fuck. 

Elsewhere, LETESTU, KENNEDY and MICHALEK are on the quad in a smoke circle, laughing about something. DWAYNE ROLOSON happens upon them, frisbee in hand.

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Hey guys…can I join in?

TYLER KENNEDY
So weird, that’s exactly what your mom asked us last night.

ZBYNEK MICHALEK
Hahaaa, yeah she did.

MARK LETESTU
You need some silverware, cause you have been seeervedddd. Hahaaaa. 

TYLER KENNEDY
Come on, guys, let’s go get some tacos.

ROLOSON walks away, stunned by the coldness of the incredibly stoned boys on the grass. They laugh and point at him as he walks away. He heads to another place on campus where people surely won’t be so cruel: the library. There, BEN LOVEJOY sits hunched over a textbook, while ARRON ASHAM furiously scribbles notes nearby.

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Hey guys, you working on that presentation for women’s studies like Max and James?

ARRON ASHAM
(Looking up, annoyed.)
What? Who are you?

DWAYNE ROLOSON
Very funny Arron. Do you guys need some help?

ARRON ASHAM
What? Are you even in our class? Get out of here.


DWAYNE ROLOSON sighs and walks away, heading home where he will contemplate hanging himself with a tie for the rest of the evening. 

BEN LOVEJOY
Man I fucking hate that guy.

ARRON ASHAM
I know, right?

MARTY ST. LOUIS runs screaming, naked, through the library. ASHAM and LOVEJOY barely look up.




ARRON ASHAM
Didn’t he just get out of his alcohol classes?

BEN LOVEJOY
That guy’s the fucking worst.

Meanwhile, MARC-ANDRE FLEURY is at a relatively calm house party up the street from campus. The party goes sour when SEAN BERGENHEIM and his CREW rolls up.

SEAN BERGENHEIM
Where the fuck is the keg?

MARC-ANDRE
Weee ‘ave some Coronas. 

CREW
Booooooooooooo!

SEAN BERGENHEIM
Yeah, that’s gay as shit, I need something better. Come on guys, let’s get some mad beers in here!

MARC-ANDRE
Um. Are you guys friendz weeth Kris, or…?

SEAN BERGENHEIM
Who the fuck is Kris? I need mad beers!

SEAN BERGENHEIM screams about mad beers until someone find him a bottle of Everclear, which he immediately begins chugging. Moments later, he is doubled over, vomiting on MARC-ANDRE’S lap.

MARC-ANDRE
Thees ees horrlbe! Now what weel I wear to zee bars tonight?

Back at the dorm rooms, TALBOT is laying unconcious next to the toilet, a contented smile on his face. JAMES NEAL stands nearby, kicking him repeatedly in the ribs.

JAMES NEAL
You piece of shit, wake up.

MAX
Grumble

JAMES NEAL
Do I seriously have to do this whole thing myself?

MAX
blubblub

JAMES NEAL
Apparently so.

JAMES works through the evening to finish all of the work he and MAX were supposed to do for their project. When MAX is capable of walking again, he helps him out the door and to SIDNEY CROSBY’S house, where they are all finishing up their spring fling. Everyone meets them there, at varying levels of intoxication.

SIDNEY CROSBY
So, how was spring fling? Malks and I have been playing Mario Kart all day.

JAMES NEAL
It was messy. You should have been there.

EVGENI MALKIN
No, we good here. I beat Sid with Princess Peach.

EVERYONE laughs and settles in. MAX vomits some more in the bathroom, joints are circulated, and everyone is pleased with themselves. 
It may have been the best Spring Fling ever.

 Go Pens.

Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

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