uncle_jordy

everything’s gonna be all right

No expectations before this game, you were just excited to see the Pens play. And they delivered. They did what they came out to do, and more, starting 7 seconds in.

BEST/WORST DECISION
We learn early on that the unthinkable has been done, that Orpik has been stripped of the A and it has been given to Staal.
I mean shouldn’t they have taken it from Gene for being, you know, lazy?
First shift of the game, Gene took over the world. We’re not going to say he’s not a purely emotionally driven hunk of man who has problems being consistent. But hey, that was pretty cool.


7 seconds in. Almost a record but Jean Provonost has that. Fastest goal to start a game in the NHL since 1998 so whatev.
1-0 Pens

OLDEST DWAYNE ROLOSON
Shortly thereafter, Lovejoy blasts one, which is tipped by Conner.

conner

You then realize that the pregame locker room talk must have been amazeballs because Goligoski actually takes a shot. Checkmark that play. Roloson is shaking violently, might need an oxygen tank.

WORST ANGLE
When Tyler Kennedy flew into the zone off of some amazing heads-up pass by Letang, seemingly had 384932 lanes, and skated it down almost to the goal line to shoot. Because that’s just what TK does. It went five hole on Roloson. The reasonable conclusion is that he knew what he was doing.

and everyone is all “nbd”


bye Roli

WHAT DAN ELLIS MIGHT CALL GENOCIDE
When Kunitz snipejobs him on the first shot he faces all night.

Being rich is hard, ya’ll.

Pens continue to take over the world, everyone’s life is hard, especially for Gagne, who rapes Fleury at some point. again, nbd.

OH DEAR WHAT A LITTLE BIT OF CONFIDENCE CAN DO
Pens are cycling, draw a PP.
Goligoski shoots and actually hits the net. You’d say miracle, but it looks like Kunitz touched it a bit, too.
5-0
Kunitz had so many goals in this game that we can’t even differentiate what pictures are from which goals.
Suffice it to say, we think that Dan Ellis could do with a biscuit.
[jfkls]
The period ends with the Pens in an enviable position, the very fabric of reality bent, and Roloson will be back in net for the 2nd.

BIGGEST HOLE IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM
A ticky-tacky penalty shot call in favor of Stamkos, who has the opportunity to jumpstart Chernobyl at CEC. . .



hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
He doesn’t even seem pissed about it. We don’t know why this is. There are myriad options. Maybe he is used to failure. Maybe he realizes that the milk has already been spilled. Maybe he is just mature? Brother Steven, tell US.

Errey called the play “justice.”

SOMEONE GET ROLOSON HIS WERTHER’S ORIGINALS
After both teams poke around awhile, Letestu swoops in and makes an adorable backhand after being fed masterfully by TK. It was, you have to admit, TK’s last chance, and he got himself a new lease on life. Wish we knew how Danny B was grading him tonight.

6-0 haaaay.

SIGN OF THE TIMES AWARD
Bob almost gets hit in the puck.
“Steiggy, I tellya, it’s dangerous,” he says.
He wants to give it to the crowd.
“I just tossed it over, got about 5 guys spilling beers.”
Some girl gets it, gets out her fancy phone so her friend can take a pic. Fancy phones are taking over the world.

PUTTING OUT FIRE WITH GASOLINE
After Hedman decides to be a joke and board Crosby, the Pens go to work in the final minute of the 2nd.
Gogo sends a puck Kunitz’s way yet again, and it goes in again.
It takes awhile, but everyone knows what’s up.


LOOK IT’S A FUN AND EXCITING MEMBER OF THE PENS’ ICE CREW
good job, press.

MOST BIZARRE PERIOD IN YEARS
The Lightning come out flying for the third period. Dan Ellis is back in net, because I mean, that’s helpful. Right, Guy Boucher?

Riiiiiiight.

Ryan Malone pulls a power move that almost makes Steiggy poop himself. Martin made sure nothing happened, though. Adam Hall does eventually crash the net and get the goal, though, and it’s 7-1. Still time for Chernobyl. But Alex Goligoski was also driving the net on a 4-on-1 rush.
gogo_goal
wrist shot city
8-1.
goodnight.

OH WAIT BUT ONE MORE THING
“Downie just patted Rupp on the butt for some particular reason. I don’t know what that means. Then he tried to trip him.” – Bob Errey on #9 Steve Downie.

PENS WIN
8-1
back to normal, except this isn’t normal, is it?

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST BEAUTIFUL

Dwayne.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Uncle Jordy, for being relatively solid in his first game in CEC. +2. 61% faceoffs.

2. Fleury, because why not?

3. Tyler Kennedy, for covering his own ass.

THERE IS ANOTHER GAME TOMORROW AND I STILL HAVE TO RECAP 24/7 HOWEVER WILL I GET THINGS DONE.
I’ll figure something out.

Go Pens.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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