FUCKYEAH REGULAR SEASON

Thrashers suck.

all things were disasters and the Pens prevailed 5-2. Mike Comrie scored the first preseason goal for the Pens, and the last regular season goal this season. He has bookended the Penguins’ season of love, hate, and crying.
We already knew that we were up against Brother Steven, Midgets, and Cake-Eaters for at least 2 weeks, so we could have laid down and gone to bed, but we didn’t. We kicked ass. Eric Godard’s assist will give you approximately 28 children.
Tonight determines every single seed.
Chicago can be pushed out if Dallas beats Minnesota.  Which would be lols.
Not that the playoffs are about lols.  They are about all of the serious business we have to attend to.

But we all know what you’re really waiting for, and that is:
THE OFFICIAL CONCLUSION TO THE PUCK HUFFERS FANTASY HAIRLEAGUE TOURNAMENT!!!
Here are some notes before we proceed:
1. We have arbitrarily (sort of) determined that Hair Points can no longer be obtained, as of the conclusion of ROOT Sports’ broadcast of today’s game versus the Thrashers.  The last Hair Points acquired were Tyler Kennedy’s interview that was shown on ROOT prior to its joining the next program in progress, whatever the hell that was.  If any interviews go up on the Pens site or if any photos surface, well, suck it.
2. Things like the broadcast of Shirts Off Our Backs and the team portrait did not count towards Hair Points since nearly everyone got them and it would have been annoying to add them up.  We didn’t watch every episode of Inside Penguins Hockey, either.  If you did and want to contest that points from those web-shows were not included. . .whatev.
 3. TEAMS THAT HAD SUBSTITUTIONS TOWARDS THE SECOND HALF OF THE SEASON HAD TO BE CALCULATED ENTIRELY BY HAND.  Basically, if you asked for a sub before the midpoint of the season, we gave it to you straight.  If you submitted late in the season, you were officially The Worst Person, but I did the math anyway, because I love you.  If mistakes were made, or you think this method is unfair, feel free to write an angry letter.
4. We also cannot guarantee that we recorded every single legal instance of hair.  We are not superhuman and we do not have magic powers.
5. If you are a winner, we still don’t know what we’re getting you, but it’s going to be something good.  You will receive it before the start of next season for sure, and probably much earlier.
6. If you submitted your entry after the deadline time, we deleted your entry because we’re awful, and you haven’t been counted.  I noticed that a couple of people submitted substitutions for teams that, I late realized, did not actually exist.  So if you don’t see your team in the list. . .that’s the reason why, or it never reached us in the first place.  When you’re trying to run a 157-team fantasy game on Google Docs spreadsheets, that’s what happens.  Sorry!  Better luck next time.
7. We recently unearthed some entries that for some reason didn’t make it onto the spreadsheet or were accidentally deleted.  They have been logged towards the end of the spreadsheet of teams–sadly, none of them were winners.

So without any other bullshit:
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE WHOLE SPREADSHEET
Instructions for viewing:
1. the “summary” tab is kinda useless.
2. click on teams, and hit ctrl+F to search for your name or your team’s name
3. or just scroll a lot???  Depending on your screen size, you may have to scroll sideways to view parts of the sheet.
4. click on “players” to see each player’s points total.
5. Click on “Logs” to see each of 766 reported instances of hair.
6. Setup shows a list of possible players and how much shit was worth.  Bonus was for facial hair which may not be accurately tabulated at all.  Many In-Game instances were worth 3 and were changed manually, due to official rules stating that between-periods and warmup/postgame hair appearances were only worth 3 points. 
7. If you have any questions about anything, feel free to send an e-mail.   

We will be entertaining:
FOUR FIRST PLACE WINNERS WITH 654 TOTAL POINTS:
Jessica Portner, Melissa Fritz, Christina Nowak, and Lily Repa.

ONE SECOND PLACE WINNER WITH 635 TOTAL POINTS:
Anna Hughes

ONE THIRD PLACE WINNER WITH 615 TOTAL POINTS:
Alyssa Thomas

Congratulations to the winners.  We will be e-mailing you if we do not have your mailing address for prizes.
You can feel free to refuse your prize, in protest to the fact that the Penguins sometimes did not refuse the power play when it may have been prudent.
Or something.


the tang hair compels you.
the unicorn will prevail.

signing off.

go pens.

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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