jack_daniels

jordan is clearly the superior staal

Hello, friends.

I hope you all had a lovely $WINTERHOLIDAY, whichever one you may happen to celebrate. I had a good Christmas, except for the part on Christmas Eve where my mother-in-law and I split a box of Franzia and I woke up to a very hungover Christmas morning.

However, I am much recovered. Just in time for the Staal Brothers Drinking Game!

PREGAME SHENANIGANS

Little Jeffy Skinner is out for this game. Instead, he will be appearing on the NHL Concussion All-Stars Team, along with Shea Weber, Sidney Crosby, Perfect Kris Letang, and EVERYONE ELSE EVER.

Pascal Dupuis will be mic’d up tonight. I look forward to hearing him taunt people about their less adorable children.

OMG COACH DISCO IS STILL WEARING THE BEST CHRISTMAS SWEATER OF ALL TIME

FIRST PERIOD

The game commences with the Pens pretty much running roughshod over the Canes, but failing to score.

Also, if you haven’t gotten yourself a drink yet, you’re going to need one of these.

The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems

Steiggy encourages us to text in questions for Coach Disco. I can think of a few that I’d like to ask.

Where do you get your hats?

bylsma_hat

How many burgers can TK fit into his mouth at once?

bylsma_two

How do you get inside your opponents’ heads?

byslma_mental
 

My Disco-related hilarity is cut short as the Canes dump the puck in, force a bad turnover, and score first. Hurricanes lead 1-0

The Canes continue to play all spastic and we get some good chances, but nothing happens. The period ends with the Pens having 16 shots on goal and on a power play, but zero goals.

FIRST PERIOD AWARDS

Best F-Bomb goes to Coach Disco, since we all inadvertently heard it during the ROOT Sports broadcast.

SECOND PERIOD

The Carolina goalie is just playing completely lights-out. We get some good chances on the power play, but Peters is basically stopping everything.

“If you’ve never heard of the other goalie, safe bet he’ll be awesome against the Pens” – @freejackjohnson

The Canes have no shots on goal in the first eight minutes of the period and the Pens are storming the net as much as they can.

Kunitz carries the puck in, Peters comes out of the net to make a save, then the puck drifts through the crease and bounces off James Neal to go in the back of the net. 1-1 tie

Steiggy, please stop trying to make “Duperstar” happen. No one likes it and you sound like an idiot.

Despres goes dashing after the puck and gets a stick in the face. Please please don’t be hurt, Despres.

Despres leaves the game, but nothing else happens, and the second period ends uneventfully.

SECOND PERIOD AWARDS

Best Husband goes to my TKhusband, who brought me an entire case of Lindemans Framboise for Christmas, and brought it in the door just as James Neal was in the way of the puck to cause it to bounce into the goal.

tk_husband

Best husband ever

THIRD PERIOD

Yay, Despres is back on the bench! I hope he’s all right.

The Pens get a power play and Steve Sullivan actually puts the puck into the net. I’m as surprised as you are. Pens lead 2-1

A bad Carolina turnover results in a two-on-one, which then results in a fabulous goal for Pascal Dupuis. And another Malkin assist. Pens lead 3-1

I suspect that the Christmas Sweater will be making an appearance on Thursday.

Jordan Staal demonstrates why he is the superior Staal and storms in two-on-one with Dupuis. Instead of passing the puck, like we’re used to seeing, JStaal proves his mastery by slamming the puck right into the net. Pens lead 4-1

After a bunch of back-and-forth, Tuomo Ruutu grabs the puck on a Penguins turnover and waits for Fleury to commit to a save so that he can put it top-shelf. Pens lead 4-2

Do the Pens seriously have 50 shots on goal? That’s kind of ridiculous.

Pretty Princess James Neal gets called for slashing with 2:49 left in the game. Yay! An opportunity for ROOT Sports to experiment with even shittier camera angles!

The Canes fail to score, or do basically anything else, as the game comes to an end.

THIRD PERIOD AWARDS

I’m going to give the Most Anticipated award to myself and the rest of PH Staff, as we’ll be in attendance on Thursday.

Will we get loaded on whiskey milkshakes and embarrass ourselves?

Will we be seeing the Christmas Sweater once again?

I can hardly wait!

GO PENS

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