Last night Zoe and I were en route to various locations that we call “home.”
While the Penguins fought valiantly under the watch of their beloved President, we were struck with news of delayed flights due to whatever-the-hell and late trains due to unfortunate souls flinging themselves onto the tracks; the Pens marched forward in their battle and nearly sealed the deal.
So here I am, in New Jersey, hanging out in pajama pants and watching as many episodes of Pimp My Ride as humanly possible before my brain explodes. Zoe is probably safe and sound in the FC, where I will join her on Monday. So for now, let’s take a little look into what exactly happened here in the dirty Jerz last night.
At the beginning of the night the Pens pull up in they beat ass wreck of a car.
They tell us some sob story about ACLs and concussions and exploded fingers. How they can’t get to they job at Pizza Hut because some thugs on they block broke in the windows and slashed the tires, et cetera.
They spend the first period sending in an audition tape. Pault Martin puts on an “A” for the occasion. Jordy gets a stylin’ haircut. Kris Letang tries to freeball his jersey, and it doesn’t work out for him. Unfortunately, Kris will not be allowed to meet Xzibit after that little move.
Really, it’s not a bad showing. They show that they are getting by on the struggle, but they could really use some help to get by more efficiently.
MTV calls in the producers.
Mad Mike is prepped for camera.
Xzibit finds a new absurd t-shirt.
It’s go time.
Xzibit is in our front lawn, staring at our excuse for a ride. He feels for us, he really does.
Then, while everyone is busy freaking out because OMG XZIBIT IS HERE OMG, some of those aforementioned thugs from the block come up and straight steal a tire from right in front of us.
Play time is over.
Mad Mike is instantly called to the scene.
He asks us about our hopes and aspirations so that they can be mocked mercilessly and replaced by television screens where we can’t even see them. “Hater Vision” is mentioned. We’re just tyring to hold it together over here. TK is leading the troops, but we’re starting to get worried that this car can never be driven again.
Then, out of nowhere,
WE HEARD YOU LIKE HOCKEY SO WE PUT PUCKS IN THEIR NET SO YOU CAN SCORE WHILE YOU PLAY.
Mad Mike starts his work.
The Debs are enraptured by the number of televisions in our bumper. The third period passes quickly, as everyone tries to figure out why exactly we needed televisions…under…the car.
“Yo dawg, because now when you’re working UNDER the car, you can look up AND WATCH YOUR FAVORITE XZIBIT MUSIC VIDEO.”
Alright, Mad Mike.
Overtime was the end and we finally got our car back.
And as always, when you get onto an episode of Pimp My Ride, you might get some points, but you haven’t exactly won.
After all, how the hell are you supposed to fucking drive that thing?
….Xzibit? …Mad Mike? MY STEERING WHEEL DOES NOT ACTUALLY INFLUENCE THE DIRECTION THAT MY CAR IS GOING CAN SOMEONE GET BACK HERE?!
We’ll be back for the game tonight with a classic award show.
Never letting Mad Mike near our cars again.