stil not here

Psst, Sid. Please come back.

With LaPierre traded, and Markov, Gorges, and Hamrlik out with injuries, the Habs don’t quit look right. That would be awesome except we don’t look right either. With Cookie absent and Crosby injured, you’ve got a bad feeling about this game.

Wait, WHO is injured?
D:

MOMENT YOU THINK THIS GAME IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE A KICK IN THE SACK
ZOMG WHERE IS SID?!?! Cue the buckets of tears. BUCKETS.
After a hit from Victor Hedman in Wednesday’s game, Sid is out with his very first concussion. It’s sort of like baby’s first steps, except HORRIFYING.
Yeah, I would scrap book this memory right beside First Stanley Cup and First Real Facial Hair, if only this didn’t make me want to puke.
Estimate time of return: 1 week 
Cookie is also missing, but that doesn’t really induce the same panic driven hysteria. It is a downer though and he’s home for “personal reasons”, so let’s all take a second to feel sad and hope everything is fine at home for Cookie Monster.
Ready? Go.
:(

MOMENT YOU START COVERING YOUR SACK
Errey is kind enough to inform us that BJ has never EVER beaten the Habs. Ever. He did note that Price is a “pretty darn good goaltender” though. Thanks for the confidence booster there, eh. Not like we were a little on edge or something with Sid being out.


IS NOT HERE


1st

MOST ENDEARING SAD-BROWS


We score early and you’re never going to believe this. It’s Asham, I shit you not. This is the point where I would continue to poke fun at him, but he was actually really solid this game. Also during his interview with Dan during the 1st intermission, he was so damn humble and awkward that it can’t help but love him. Between his slightly lopsided smile, that HAIRBAND, and the way he always looks like someone just stole his lolly, I just want to give him another goal and a pat on the head. And another lolly.

1-0


FUGLIEST KOSTITSYN (NOW THAT’S FUGLY)

Letang full out trips Kostistyn who’s on a break away, but the refs were too disgusted by Andrei’s Hunchback of Notre Dame mug to look at him, so no call.


No, not that one. You’re looking at Sergei because you subconsciously refuse to look at Andrei. Andrei is the poor bastard with a bald spot at 25.

Errey and Steigerwald spend a while talking about how awesome it is when Crosby is playing, how not awesome it is to be without him, and how much more awesome it would be if he were here.
IS STILL NOT HERE

IF YOU HAVE TO STARE AT CAM’S ASS, THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT

Made my night.

1st period goes to the Pens, outshooting the Habs 13-5. Can we call that a game now? No? Damnit!
 

2nd

BEST REASON FOR WATCHING THIS GAME
Geno gets some chances. Stuff happens sort of. But I’ve got to be honest, I’m getting bored. Someone needs to put Cammy into the bench again. What’s that Dan? Hal Gill is on the front cover of the Quebec edition of Elle? Not bored now.

There is no hiding the fact that this is ridiculous. ReDONKulous even. Gionta is owning that ‘formal leprechaun’ look and Camel is clearly shooting for ’85 year old who plays canasta because his arthritis can’t handle shuffleboard anymore’.
To Hal’s credit, no one on that cover rocks urban chic as well as he does. Of course, that’s like being the hottest contestant on The Biggest Loser.
He is wearing a really nice jacket though. Srsly


GOAL I MOST WANT TO SKIP OVER SO IT ONLY GETS 1 LINE

The Habs are gradually picking up momentum, but it’s okay because the Pens are doing nothing about it. Nothing at all.
Aaaaaaaaand Pouliot picks up a rebound to tie it.
1-1

3rd

And the downward spiral continues in the 3rd.

BEST JUMPING JOHNSON


Cammy goes sliding into the net, but thanks to an interception by Orpik, the puck doesn’t. However, Camel (what a stupid nickname) did convert his attempt into this hilarious photo, so he did get something out of it.

Just in case you missed it the other eleventy billion times, Steigy and Errey remind us that Crosby was recently beat to shit 2 games in a row, is not here, and life sucks without him.
 
IS SOMEWHERE ELSE

And just in case that didn’t punch you right in the gut, we take a shit storm of overlapping penalties. 3 penalties in 1 minute, 44 seconds. That’s almost 4 minutes of PK and a full 2 of 5 on 3. All might be lost except for…

CRAIGMAN!!!

Thankfully Adams is a HERO. No, srsly. Like with powers and stuff. His superpower is to not have a broken body after lots of blocked pucks tried to break his body. Please come up with a better superhero name than Craigman. After all, the Habs only managed 1 shot on net during that whole flurry of feces.

OT & SO

Still tied at 1-1, we head into OT.

Geno’s pissed that Gionta didn’t take a penalty for poking his foot out from under him and his Russian Rage translates into some crazy tricks, dribbling the puck through the air to get past a few defensemen. It doesn’t actually work, but it looked cool. Johnson makes a big save and that’s the only shot registered in OT.
You can tell our boys are trying, but everything after the 1st has been like trying to pull up on the nose during the inevitable plain crash that is this game.

Shootout!
No one scores until the 5th round, where Pouliot puts it away and Kunitz can’t tie it. 

Pens Lose
2-1  


Alternative 3 Stars

1. Asham

ADORABLE

2. Duna duna duna duna Craigman!!

3. Elle Quebec 

 
Don’t kill yourself. A 1 week recovery time for Sid means that it’s a mild concussion. Not a big deal.
I know, I know. I miss him too. 

 If you need a pick me up, please note that the Caps are currently in 5th. No home ice advantage. Drink in their pain. Drink it right in.
And who’s 1st? Oh yeah us.
nbd

Hot date with Mr. Clutterbuck Saturday
 
Go Pens!!

muzzy

MY blog! Bwahaha!1!!one!!

That was supposed to be my evil laugh. I think it lost something in the translation to text though. Normally, you would already have pissed yourself in fear.

Well, I’m Megan. I’m Canadian, a scorpio, and long walks on the beach are bullshit. Feel free to swamp me with offensive canuck jokes, I will smile and laugh since we Canadians are a peaceful and friendly people. I might also sweater/jersey you and punch you in your stomach a lot. 

Gramps illustrates THE classic hockey fight maneuver. 

 Then we`ll throw back a few beers. We Canadians have odd and awesome ways.

 

By the hand of God, Zoe’s power is down, probably in retribution for some terrible sin. And with Kim in India, someone needs to man the helm. So, introducing me. That’s a Jonas brother song. Introducing Me. I am so sorry that I know that.

Zoe suggests that I chat about the Winter Classic, so gather around the fire kiddies. Apparently the Classic is something that`s going on. Honestly, you wouldn`t know it here in Canada. Here, Christmas has fuck all to do with Santa and everything to do with the World Juniors. Despite the competition being on US soil, Canadians bought over 60% of the tickets. It is as you feared, Canada has finally invaded. Buffalo is just our beach head, the real horror is to come.

Bum-bum-baaaaaaah. I know. You`re super scared.

Right now they`re calling 12o Celcius and 100% chance of rain. Mother Nature is a cold hearted whore, made hard and world weary by years of peddling herself on the street. This is probably revenge for that whole Global Warming thing.

It`s likely to get postponed and played on Sunday, but we won`t know until 8pm. So here`s what you do. Call up some old highschool friends that are also home for the holidays and make plans. That way if the game is cancelled you`ll have someone to drink with and rant at about the fucking weather. If the game is on, atleast you don`t really care about them and you won`t mind bailling. Just don`t show, don`t even call to cancel. Remember, these are the assclowns that shot spitballs at the back of your head and other such assclownery.

I think if I weren`t a Pens fan, I would be breaking shit in frustration over all the Classic coverage. Especially with Sid`s streak, it`s been nothing but CrosbyOviCrosbyOviCrosviOvbyCrovsbiAlidSidlex for a solid 2 months.

By the bye, I move that we refer to Crosby and Ovi as Sidlex, in true celebrity couple tradition. What do you say? No? 

Literally half of NHL.com`s Top Headlines are about the Classic.

 

How many references to the Winter Classic can you count kids?

Personally, this is heaven minus the virgins, but I almost feel bad for fans of the other 93% of the teams that are getting like 2% of the coverage. Not really though. Baha, sucks to be those fuckers.

 

Well, as sad as it makes me that Crosby’s point streak was snapped, his 2 point-per-game pace will be some comfort. TSN just informed me that he doubled Ovi’s production during the streak. Ovi had 6 goals and 25 points to Sid’s 26 and 50. Mumzy always said that taking pleasure in other peoples’ suffering is a bad thing, but I’m not convinced. This makes me so happy I could light shit on fire.

Atleast with the streak, Sid`s dirty pedo-stache might also die.

Look at him. He looks genuinely surprised and upset that I hate his muzzy. But I guess if I had facial hair that I honestly believed had gifted me with 50 points, I would love and protect it just like Sid does.

 In other Crosby news (is there any other kind), someone has once again decided to give him a useless piece of hardware. Our boy is now the Canadian Press Male Athelete of the Year. No one cares, including Sid I assume, but it is a thing that happened, so I figured you good people should know about it.

Also this thing happened. Go look now. I don`t know WHY it happened, but it did. If I were a Capital, I would be filled with so much confidence knowing that my captain could ass rape nesting dolls with ease. What a champ. And Zoe already pointed out his other excellent leadership abilities on Friday. When Ovechkin goes to the locker room, he does the extremely useful activity that is sitting in the corner and saying, “fucking crossbar.” Champ. The Caps are truly blessed.

I understand him shooting at Russian dolls, that`s almost clever, but is the dressing really necessary? Really that just seems weird to me. Maybe Ovi is losing it. Note Exibit B. Look now! Like Ovechkin wasn`t hideous enough. I wonder if he was jealous of Crosby`s bitchin Lady Tickler. I think he probably just tried to eat the eye black though.

Well thanks for this awesome play date kiddies. See you on the playground.

Go Pens 

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