Recap is totally fake tonight because I am having a college emergency.
Which is slightly akin to a real-life emergency, but mostly, you know, only matters to teenagers and people with annoying, overachiever priorities, like sleep and deadlines.
Anyway, we thought we’d quiz you on a few things from tonight’s game.
1. What are Brent Johnson’s balls made of?
A: Titanium coated in steel, with a tungsten core, with the entire outfit armored in blood-soaked mithril.
2. What is James Neal, not just tonight, but as a rule?
A: The prettiest prettiest princess. And he didn’t get the black ring. Not once.
3. Where is Paul Martin from?
A: Word on the street is Minnesota, but we’d bet money on Krypton.
4. How much jizz did the Penguins fanbase collectively release when Pascal Dupuis scored on a breakaway?
A: At least a metric fuckton. (Not to be confused with the metric shitton.)
Calling the American Red Cross to dig some people out of the mountains of jizz.
5. How inappropriate was Cal tonight?
A: As inappropriate as that fucking mustache.
6. Who is the best?
A: We are still the best.
Cal is Not the best.
. . .We. . .finally beat Minnesota.
And Niklas Backstrom.
And Chris Kunitz and Jordan Staal became the Silent Warriors.
And the nation was won back from its oppresors.
Did you ace your history quiz?