girls

never again.

It’s a big day for Pittsburgh, and the Pens probably knew that. 2 points in the standings in January still isn’t a life or death situation, but for ~personal reasons, losing to the Bruins simply couldn’t be allowed. We had to prove that we could compete.
And aside from 13 seconds, Pens did. Gotta work on those 13 second meltdowns against the B’s. RIGHT DANNY?

HATE THAT WORKED THE LEAST
Someone with porn hair named “Shanna Jean” comes out to butcher the national anthem, and the puck drops to a cacophony of drunk noise from the stands.

Bruins came out flying, and with Matt Cooke in the starting lineup the boos started raining down. Dupuis takes a penalty like next shift, but it’s killed. Pens get a power play, but the Bruins eat up the time. Then Cooke starts ramming someone’s wife from behind, goes off for interference. But everyone in the arena shits themselves when, immediately after exiting the box, Cooke starts the drive towards the Bruins zone and makes a perfect pass to Staal, who makes all of your dreams come true by finding Kunitz:

Goligoski is probably saying, “Don’t worry, guys. We have even more time left to blow this.”
Adams and Campbell throw down. Coli probably cries about it.
Hatefail by TD Garden.

MOST UNEXPECTED EVERYTHING
Second period begins, and Rask has no idea what’s going on when a puck bounces off the boards and comes to Dupuis. Finnish anger burns. It was ugly. It was also 2-0 for the Pens. But fluky goals belie possible fatal momentum shifts–you know who deserved what. Dupuis deserved 9 goals for working so hard, but maybe not that one.
As decided when Chara high sticks his own teammate, Kempfer, leading to one of those “blood everywhere” situations. Official calls Dupuis for the penalty. If you blinked you wouldn’t have noticed they were shorthanded for 4 minutes. You’d've thought the hockey gods would consider it even after that, but naaah.

MOMENTS WE ACCIDENTALLY GAVE HOPE RATHER THAN RECEIVED IT
Gene goes on a breakaway, but Tuukka throws a milk crate between his five hole.
Immediately thereafter:
Seidenberg does what he does against the Pens in big games, which is score some bomb. The press decides not to photograph it for some reason.
Then Michael Ryder does it, too. 2-2 while my internet was crapping out, so i didn’t see it. But mark my words, it was horrible. No visual cues whatsoever.
Wait the press did take a picture of Michalek getting owned:

Zbynek, honey, make yourself useful.

LEAST LIKELY PERIOD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
Both teams come out flying. Kennedy and Cooke work hard to get a puck to JStaal in front. Jack Edwards (yes I had to watch NESN) refers to him as “son of a sod farmer” which will likely lead to “son-of-a-sod-farmer” becoming a grave insult in Boston.

Jack Edwards could have seriously run a Staal Brothers Drinking Game in Massachusetts today.

But here’s the thing: the Bruins tried repeatedly to come back and tie it. Those assholes.
Pucks going wide, hitting posts, everything is terrible and back and forth. Just when you think the Pens are going to get an insurance goal, they don’t.
Though this does happen to Pauly:

late in the game, he even plays defense.
Savard goes down in a heap after being owned by Engelland, but it was a legal hit and not a head injury, which probably pissed off most of the fans.

The knot in your stomach tightens at the 4 minute mark.
But the 9 quick goals off of Mark Recchi’s stick never come. The ship never grazes the iceberg.
The Pens hang on. WHAT

PENS WIN
3-2

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

LEAST CREATIVE GLASS SIGNS AWARD

How come the chicks with the glass seats never have signs that say shit like “I WANT CHRIS CONNER TO FORECHECK ON ME”?
If you’re going for the glass seats, you might as well make a good sign. But it never happens.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
Marc-Andre Fleury – Circle this performance, because he’s going to have to do it at least once in the playoffs.
Gene – Assists count too.
Matt Bartkowski – Because.

Lost in all of this is that the Pens’ next game is against Detroit.

Tomorrow: hair league updates, probably some more ranting about the Crosby concussion scandal that has swept the nation.

Also, Steelers are going to the AFC championship game, and every Pittsburgh team ever won today apparently.
We don’t really like football, but we appreciate the explosiveness of a big turnover. Ben Roethlisberger is a shitty human, so here’s a picture of Brett Keisel’s beard:

impress

GO PENS.
get ready.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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