So, imagine being a New Jersey Devils fan tonight. Like an actual New Jersey Devils fan. Shit must be hard.
I mean, it could be worse. Johan Hedberg, despite being 38, is as good a backup as you can have without having Brent Johnson, and also happens to be devastatingly gorgeous. And you managed to pluck Petr Sykora from his mountain lair. However, there are lots of other problems, namely the fact that all of your players sound like characters that were written out of The Most Dangerous Game and a lot of them aren’t great and you’re stuffing money up Kovalchuk’s ass for what, exactly? Clearly the Stanley Cup.
Being a Pens fan, conversely, is pretty good right now, despite the fact that seeing Petey in a Devils uni isn’t ideal, but it’s what we would have wanted for him. He needs to be on the dark side right now. It’s the only way.
THAT TIME IT WENT OKAY
The Pens get a PP early after Clarkson does something.
Jordan Staal was all over that shit. It was the beginning of him taking a page out of the Brent Johnson Titanium Balls manual.
Easy as pie to start, though.
Everyone is so adorable and perfect.
WE’D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR
The second period was valuable only in that it included a moment of Petr Sykora (we think) unmistakably adjusting his junk while sitting on the bench. Once that wedding-ringed hand goes south, there’s no stopping the music.
THE MOMENT THAT MOST CHANGED THE WORLD, APPARENTLY
Steve Sullivan took a high stick to the face from Patrik Elias, after Elias was probably pissed that he got Defended by Michalek, etc.
Petr Sykora plays guilty and goes to the box instead. No one knows why this happened, Errey and Steiggy seem to think it is some kind of Devilish (ha ha ha) trickery to ensure that Elias is able to kill the penalty. Since Petr Sykora never kills penalties. He needs that time and energy to play with his cattle prod. This time, because Sullivan’s face was bloody, he gets four whole minutes.
ANYWAY, Patrik Elias got way open while Kovalchuk was playing hockey on the penalty kill and drew a bunch of Pens.
Everyone is way pissed about this, and it is really irritating, but actually somewhat embarrassing for the Pens that they couldn’t just cover him. Whatever. It is a blip, a passing moment.
Because while it took until the second power play, we finally got a good setup in the offensive zone, and Kunitz fucking blistered a pass from Letang past Hedberg.
This ain’t a fucking tie game anymore.
We imagine Kunitz in this pic is saying like, “yeah bitches what now.”
Bob Errey took great joy at spending like an hour calling Kovalchuk the laziest person on the planet when he goes for a change while his team is defending. He gives up his man, which gives Jordan Staal a hell of a lot of room. We can personally thank Ilya for #100.
We can also thank him of Bob’s reiteration of his favorite Jordan Staal nickname: The Big Pterodactyl.
Pretty much like 3 seconds later (or like. . .5 minutes later) James Neal came out of the corner. Meanwhile, the entire Devils team had driven up to Oradell, NJ to scope out coffee and bagel places and to discuss their favorite flavors of iced chai. They didn’t invite Johan.
Can’t find any pics of James Neal scoring these goals, btw. None.
But we knew it happened. Maybe this is part of the plan.
Staal is out afterwards for like every shift, and so is Steve Sullivan. Steve needs his first of the year and Staal needs the hatty. Neither will come, but whatever. We’ll let our friend Kat on Twitter sum it up:
I mean probably not roids.
In our neighborhood, we call it “love.”
CEC makes its first noises of the evening every time Staal goes for the hat trick. Hockey is apparently not exciting anymore. It was a Devils game, we’ll give them that.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: BIGGEST PIMPIN
Robbing babies of their first NHL goals like a boss.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Joe Vitale
2. Zbynek Michalek
Did everything right until some dick hurt his hand. This better not be a big deal. 6 blocked shots
3. Steve Sullivan
900 games is nothing to sneeze at.
It has always been our concern that the Devils just don’t care about Johan. We wonder if they take all his red sour patch kids.
Next game is Tuesday on Long Island.
. . .Fascinating.