This game was not that exciting.
It was well played, good hockey, but really, not that exciting.
I’m sorry, was I supposed to lie to you? We were playing the Kings for Curry’s sake.
I mean, yeah, it’s exciting that everyone gets to talk about Scuderi playing the Pens, blahblahblah, but overall, nothing much happened.
Which is kind of nice when your heat goes out in the freezing cold and then for once the fire evacuation isn’t a drill, your apartment building is actually on fire.
A nice, simple hockey game in which the Pens take home two points.
So, while I try to figure out why the hell this backup space heater isn’t working, let’s roll out a quick awards show.
BEST LIFESAVING SKILLZ
Nothing really happens at all until we’re damn near midway through the first period.
Gogo finds himself in the box for inappropriate touches of the ref’s wife, and the Kings have a chance to pull ahead.
MAF gets stuck out of the net chasing kittens into the stands, which leaves Justin Williams a welcoming net in which to place the puck. While this moment was heart wrenching, I can never take Justin Williams seriously, because he shares a name with this childhood friend of mine:
Anyway, Michalek, who according to the press doesn’t exist, pulls off a little move that we call a “panty dropper” here in the professional hockey journalism world, and saves all of our asses from the despair of being down 1-0 to the Kings. Someone has been taking classes at the Y in his spare time.
Gogo immediately gets out of the box and damn near hits the twine at the opposite end of the ice.
What could have been a disaster comes up seeming more like motivation.
Good job, boys.
CUTEST BABY PHOTOS
Brett Sterling is here for less than ten minutes before he gets on the board for the Pens.
He takes the momentum the save and gogo rush have built up and cashes in on it by tossing the puck over Quick’s shoulder.
The press brings us a touching photo of reunitied teammates .
We kind of want to carry it around in our wallet with us to show friends.
Unfortunately, that FUCKING MISERABLE FAILED ABORTION OF A CHILD LOOKS SO DISCONTENT.
OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU AREN’T PEERING DIRECTLY ONTO THE GLOWING FACE OF SIDNEY CROSBY.
We have a duty to raise our children to love all Pens equally, and someone has failed.
Brooks looks proud. And Handsome.
Also, I am two inches taller than Brett.
THE MURDER VISION AWARD
Some other things happen, and then some others.
Michalek gets us all pregnant again.
DJSkillz does some neat things.
And then, Jarret Stoll somehow gets the puck behind MAF. It makes no sense, especially seeing as according to the press Jarret Stoll is this glass of milk:
However, after looking into it, we found this really concerning photo from a Sharks game.
If his photos always come out like that, we can understand press avoiding Bloody Murder of the photography world.
WORST FACIAL HAIR
In the second period, my apartment building is smoldering from what was probably a pizza left in an oven somewhere by some way cool dudes who drank wicked beers last night at Stacy’s party.
Somewhere in Pittsburgh, however, Westgarth and Engelland decide it is time to exchange some words, maybe compare their taxes, ask about the wife and kids, etc.
While we don’t like posting pictures of our guys taking hits in fights, this one is an exception:
While Engelland may be about to take that fist to some location on his body area, at least he does not have some sort of mangled sideburns/mustache deal going on. We think that Westgarth is gearing up to pull a Starburns here.
There is never any reason for your facial hair to be like that. Starburns are not an excuse.
THE MOST FML MOMENT
Dustin Jeffrey has a lower-body injury and will not return.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING US.
When is this going to end srsly we are no longer feeling fun and fanciful about overcoming adversity with a broken team.
This is balls.
MOST ADORABLE BFF MOMENT
Simmonds decides to start yelling at Kris Letang’s hair for being so beautiful and luxurious.
Ryan Craig says no, not on his call-up time.
This is a really weird photo.
I think they may actually be dancing.
Who are the BFFs here? The world may never know.
The game goes into OT tied at 1-1, but not without providing this treasure.
MOMENT WE HAVE MISSED THE MOST THIS SEASON
It’s so nice having Jordan back.
Not only is it just good to have a healthy Staal when everyone else is dead and gone, it’s great to see him back with the guys just because he’s so expressive and hilarious on the ice.
He goes all out for OT and, just by the skin of our teeth, gets it into the net before the SO.
Pens 2 Kings 1
BEST GOAL REACTION
Did you think we were lying when we said Staal is expressive?
Nothing warms our heart like his scoring. And when the press is on board to catch it, everything is wonderful.
ALT THREE STARS
1) Michalek, for being the alternate goalie.
2) Brooksy, because he’s handsome.
3) Dupuis, for absorbing all of the loving from Staal like a well conditioned sponge.
So there you have it, a hard fought game that we came away with despite the fact that our team is limping along the side of the road in the snow.
It’s called heart.
Here’s to another win tonight.
Cause as we all know full well, we’re never losing again.