wayne_gretzky_oilers

professional chainsaw sculpture

Hello, friends.

First off, thanks for reading my previous recap and commenting, if you did. For some reason, Lifefyre isn’t letting me sign in, but it’s nice to know that you appreciate my recap style. I’m gonna keep it up for tonight, though probably with less wine…I do have to work tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any Fun Facts to share with you about Edmonton. I know less about Edmonton than I do about Calgary. I know it’s in Alberta, Canada, and that the team is called the Oilers. And that when you talk about the Oilers, you usually reference things like this.

He has EVERY RECORD

However, this sort of thing hasn’t happened in Edmonton since 1990. You know what this makes them? The Pirates of hockey.

I know, I know, the Flyers haven’t won since 1975 and the Leafs last won in 1967. But that’s because the Flyers are goons and the Leafs just straight-up suck.

In other news from today: the Winnipeg Jets had their season opener. I saw about five minutes of this game, but I did see the very beginning of the broadcast, where they showed the Rick Rypien tribute video. That was a very classy thing to do.

Also: the national-anthem singer Chantal Kreviazuk has a third cousin named Mike who lived in Winnipeg in the mid-90s. How do I know this? Because Mike and I used to be internet penpals. Mike, if you’re out there, I hope all is well with you.

PREGAME SHENANIGANS

Brent Johnson will be in net tonight. This is excellent, because I love Brent Johnson and love to watch him play. The husband will probably also be jazzed to find this out, because he is a Fleury Hater of the Highest Order. He just doesn’t like that Fleury is streaky, whereas I, the girl who grew up watching Patrick Roy being streakier than bacon, am used to inconsistent goaltending.

I called my mom today, as I usually do on Sunday, and she told me all about the Avs home opener, which she attended. “They really don’t look so good,” she told me. “I’m going to have to find another team to cheer for.”

“How about the Penguins, Mom?” I suggest helpfully.

“That could work!”

We love you ALL

With any luck, I’ll soon be reporting on Mom’s Penguins-related mancrush

Malkin is out with a “lower-body injury.” I hope he’s not too seriously hurt and that he feels better soon. And that he STAYS ANGRY.

Coach Disco’s lookin’ good. I mean, he always looks good. But he’s looking especially good tonight.

MacIntyre and Park are in for this evening.

I cannot wait for this stupid road trip to be over and for games to be on at a normal evening time. 

Also, I have no idea how Steiggy and Errey are going to mangle the name “Paajarvi” throughout the night.

Awww, I didn’t know Mark Letestu was from Elk Point, Alberta. It is apparently north of Edmonton. Fun Fact #1!

FIRST PERIOD

Good God, the Oilers uniforms are…orange. Their official Pantone shade must be something like “Aggressively Orange.”

Omark serves a penalty for too many men on the ice shortly after the game begins.

“This last year, the Oilers were terrible in just about every category.” – Steiggy

Well, thanks for that trenchant and piercing analysis. Tell us how you really feel, Steiggy.

The power play strikes again as Letang fires it from the point.

Step off bitch, he's mine

We’re all thinking it, but she’s the only one saying it

1-0 Pens

What kind of Bizarro World do we live in where the power play is this ridiculously good? I don’t know, exactly, but I’m really liking it.

Joe Vitale gets two minutes for holding, and we get a close-up of Ryan Smyth’s terrible white skates and wooden stick. “That’s ancient! It’s only for dinosaurs and Ryan Smyth!” – Errey

Beej is looking sharp. I mean, he always looks sharp, but he’s looking especially sharp at the moment.

Lovejoy takes a penalty, this time for a cross check. He takes this opportunity to remove his helmet and wipe away the sweat. You know, when his face isn’t all swollen up from blocking a puck with it, he is adorable.

Are they seriously playing Dance Commander by Electric Six during stoppages in play? Because if so, that is AWESOME.

YOU MUST OBEY THE DANCE COMMANDER

I wanna make it last forever

Mark Letestu gets called for cross-checking. Something about the Edmonton arena must angry up the blood and cause otherwise normal players to sink into a mad frenzy of cross-checking.

And during that penalty, Dupuis gets called for hooking. I remember my mom telling me, “If you can’t score during a 5-on-3, you don’t deserve to win the game.” THANKS MOM.

The Letestu penalty expires with no scoring, as does the Dupuis penalty. Then Petry goes off for interference. Man, it’s just a whole bunch of wacky back-and-forth between both teams.

FIRST PERIOD AWARDS

Biggest Balls goes to our boy Beej. I think they’re what’s actually blocking all the Oilers shots right now.

Native Son gets split between Letestu and Engelland. I don’t think Letestu can touch the puck without Steiggy and Errey commenting on how he’s from Alberta, and how he grew up in Alberta, and WE GET IT HE’S CANADIAN SHUT UP ALREADY.

We are also treated to a nice soft-focus Potash feature on Deryk Engelland, including such hard-hitting questions as “Did you ever think about becoming a professional chainsaw sculptor?”

SECOND PERIOD

The second period commences with the husband arriving home from bagpipe practice. This means he can take care of the dog and yell things at the TV like “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT YOU ASSHOLES!”

A sampling of the excellence

My own personal color commentator

A Penguins power play results in more shots on goal. No scores, but more shots on goal.

Petry and Adams/Kennedy get into a shoving match. “FUCK HIM UP!” the husband yells. He likes regular hockey, but he really, really likes a fight. I think he would fight Colin Campbell, given the chance.

They replay the Sarich hit from last night. I didn’t want to see it the first time, I don’t want to see it again.

A whole lot more back-and-forth goes on, with not much happening. No epic saves, no crazy plays, nothing.

Finally, something happens. Gilbert gets called for hooking and the Pens get a few shots on goal, but Dubnyk makes a sick-ass save on Letestu. I guess Beej doesn’t have a monopoly on sick-ass saves tonight.

The husband and I pass the time by discussing the origin of Don Cherry’s suits. I maintain that he must have a special tailor, and goes in to see the new fabrics every so often, and they just make him a new ugly suit whenever he wants one.

Our conversation is cut short by Beej DESTROYING THE OILERS’ WILL TO LIVE by stopping EVERYTHING THAT COMES HIS WAY. And even draws a golatender interference penalty. TEAM BEEJ

Some penalties happen, but there’s no scoring, and the period wraps up with the score EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN WE STARTED.

SECOND PERIOD AWARDS

Best Husband goes to the husband. Last night, I went upstairs to get ready for bed, and discovered that not only had he bought me an etagere for the upstairs bathroom, he put it together to surprise me. It’s my own fault that I did not discover this until 2 AM.

I wanted to do a second award here, but I can’t think of anything funny. Least Hilarious goes to me, at the moment.

THIRD PERIOD

The third period commences with yet more back-and-forth, up and down the ice. I’m sorry, friends, I”m losing steam and it’s getting late. Even the husband has moved past hockey and on to surfing the Internet, looking for knives. Throwing knives, I would assume.

Andy Sutton gets called for flinging the puck wildly over the glass. So now they’ve had penalties for too many men, goaltender interference, and delay of game. How many dumb penalties can one team take? I think we are about to find out.

“Jordan Staal took a real good piece of Belanger…almost sucked him into a penalty.” Errey

Paajarvi gets tripped up by Paul Martin and ends up sliding through Beej’s legs right into the net. Paajarvi is the only thing Beej has let in all night.

Various plays result in various shoving. Engelland and Belanger both get penalized for said shoving. Letang goes barreling to the net, but Dubnyk makes a good save and Letang trips on the side of the net.

The Oilers get called for interference and there’s a 4-on-3 power play. I feel like we’ve seen every kind of possible wack-ass situation in this game. 5 on 3? 4 on 3? Goaltender interference? Retarded good saves? BRING IT ALL ON, WHY THE FUCK NOT

It’s Beej’s world at the moment and we all just happen to live in it. He demonstrates this ably with some more epic saves.

I think I spoke too soon. Nugent-Hopkins (what a dumb name) manages to beat Beej, after hammering on him for like four shots in a row, and stuffs it in on the backhand. 1-1

Ryan Smyth gets 5 minutes for elbowing with less than 5 minutes left in the game. It remains to be seen how new and improved thew improved Penguins power play happens to be.

Holy balls, I think I just saw Kennedy passing the puck in the offensive zone.

Time expires and we’re going to OT.

THIRD PERIOD AWARDS

Most Innocent goes to Zbynek Michalek, who dragged his ass just enough on an icing touch to incite the rage of the crowd. And then made a face like “What? What did I do?” You did nothing wrong, you magnificent Czech man. (PS. I didn’t know you were born in 1982 and are therefore as old as me. Call me, we’ll hang out.)

OVERTIME

The penalty carries over, but once again, NOTHING HAPPENS.

Letang is everywhere. He’s like our very own Hockey Jesus. He even has the hair for it.

Everyone in Edmonton simultaneously shits themselves as one of the Oilers hits the post. The guy who runs the goal strobe lights was fooled and turned them on for a little bit. However, nothing happened. Much like in the rest of this damn game.

It’s shootout time, bitches.

SHOOTOUT

Penguins shooters: Letang, Neal, Sullivan

Oilers shooters: Eberle, Hemsky, Omark

Eberle scores

Letang doesn’t

Hemsky scores

Neal scores

Omark doesn’t

Sullivan doesn’t

DEAR LORD IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME I AM GOING TO BED

Go Pens.

Quantcast