When was the last time we even beat the Caps at home? It can’t have been that memorable, ’cause I don’t remember it. It’s October, we got to OT, and now we have fresh new controversy to field off in the form of Asham’s KO and subsequent shenanigans.
But I don’t want to give too much away, folks. For this is a very special bedtime story about how, once upon a time, the Washington Capitals beat the Pens in October, and it was the best thing ever, of all times, even better than the Stanley Cup!
There were of course, reasons that this happened. Reasons that were entirely the Pens’ fault. Others that weren’t. We can tell you about it
MOST DECEPTIVE BEGINNING
The game starts out hardcore as shit, as first shift Matt Cooke sits on someone.
Ovechkin gets shown up trying to cherrypick at the Pens’ blueline–surprise, doesn’t work.
Shortly thereafter, Malkin gets pissed and comes flying down the left side. Drops to Sullivan, meanwhile still drawing like all the Capitals. Sullivan notices James Neal wide open waaay over on the other side of the nice. Nasty pass. Unlike most people taking shots for the Penguins this evening, James Neal doesn’t miss.
With Letang and Engelland all over Ovechkin every shift and Beej flashing serious glove saves, it looks as though we might have beaten the Curse and may be reaching the True Church. Not that we weren’t already close to the True Church. Observe:
Malkin comes within inches of pulling a classic “Mario against North Stars” goal but it’s ~not quite there~. Everything is going well, though. Nothing to fear? No, perhaps something to fear.
The Pens get unlimited PPs and look mega legit, but nothing actually happens. Red flags.
~~~INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM AWARD~~~~~~~~~~
During intermission, viewers turning in on NHL Network are forced to watch Ovechkin being interviewed about Lokomotiv by some blonde who looks straight out of a videotape that someone accidentally recorded an hour of CNN on in 1997.
She asks Ovechkin if the Lokomotiv tragedy hits him closer to home because he’s Russian (okay) and he FREQUENTLY FLIES ON AIRPLANES FOR HIS WORK.
Apparently hockey players are the only people who can fall victim to airplane crashes. Just terrible broadcast journalism by this woman. What a dumb question.
“Why did you and Evgeni Malkin decide to have this event tonight?” would have sufficed. But no. We have to start asking questions that make no sense in order to create some kind of dramatic undertone to an already tragic event. IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYONE. BUT ESPECIALLY YOU. BECAUSE: AIRPLANES.
GOAL THAT YOU COULD HAVE CALLED YESTERDAY
Caps get some shift in the 2nd, Knuble crashes the net, and it goes in pretty much instantly. THAT’S A GOAL. And of course it was Knuble. It’s always Knuble. It will always be Knuble. When the Earth is a fireball of lava and charred earth, there will be Knuble.
WE ARE THE FUCKING MONSTER, PEOPLE.
There are a lot of big time photos of this game floating around, but there weren’t any after this goal. Strange.
Vokoun is subsequently getting pretty much everything the Pens throw at him, and we realize: this is actually a game against the Panthers in 2009. At least 80% of a game against the Panthers in 2009. To wit: the shots were 19-41 Pens. DEFINITELY a Panthers game. Or at least 80% of a Panthers game. The Panthers would never get a power play in OT and score.
MOST IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC
While the Pens are pissing all over themselves on yet another power play, James Neal loses his stick, and someone (we forget if it was Steiggy or Dan Potash) says we might not see the Pens’ PK at all this evening. Errey calls them out on the jinx. It was The Worst Jinx. The game then deteriorated into something that felt sort of like a fistfight in a dark room.
Early in the third, it’s business as usual until Mike Green shoots a puck towards Johnson that Ovechkin puts some insane disgusting redirect on. a.) we hadn’t even noticed that Mike Green was playing and b.) NO ONE noticed the goal except Bob Errey and it had to be reviewed and it was true. No photos of this either.
The lamb is key. We are now the lamb.
This image is of Una and the Lion, from Edmund Spenser’s The Faerie Queene, which a great professor named Christina tried to make me read once sophomore year. It’s like 1200 pages. Una, like Mario Lemieux, represents the True Church. And she has a lion and a lamb, so you sort of can’t go wrong. Redcrosse Knight, where are you?
WE INTERRUPT THIS SPECIAL BROADCAST TO BRING YOU A VIOLENT IMAGE
Asham dropped Jay Beagle hard and fast with two good punches to the face. No one really knows who started it.
Word on the street he may have been imitating CM Punk, or ex-PH Staff member Ann’s favorite wrestler, Razor Ramon. In our universe, Asham did it for Ann. Which might not make it better, but.
Seriously Jay Beagle looked like he was carrying a plum in his cheek.
He kind of made up for getting his ass kicked by pulling his own tooth out. That is pretty badass. Not that this is a badass competition fueled by the mentality of the patriarchy or anything. We’re just happy that he wasn’t more seriously hurt and that we have a discussion point to unite around this evening.
MOMENT YOU WERE MOST ANTICIPATING AT THE END OF THE PENGUINS’ PLAYOFFS LAST SEASON
That moment when the Pens get a power play off of some stupid move by a strapping young Capital (in this case, Troy Brouwer), go on the power play, and see a perfect goal off the rush by James Neal, assisted by Malkin. Total fucking mayhem. CEC gets loud for the first time since Crosby’s last hat trick in the building, probably.
It’s a tie game, and we made the tie happen, and we’re going to win this shit if it’s the last thing we do!
OH WAIT NEVER MIND
Pens have to go on the PK in overtime (hah) because Jordan Staal gets called awkwardly for tripping that wasn’t really tripping. Despite the presence of Craig Adams, Michalek, and Cooke on the ice, Dennis Wideman pretty much gets a nasty shot off, and it’s all over. Needless to say, this will really be on our minds come May or so. *cough*
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: BEST BEER BUDDY
Brent Johnson. We don’t blame him for this at all. ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Craig Adams
2. Evgeni Malkin
Kind of can’t go wrong there. 2 big-time assists. Flying like a madman.
3. Third star not being given tonight in order to ask: what is this I can’t even:
Certainly an expression we’ve seen many times on the Zhenya and Sasha Comedy Hour.
SPECIAL AWARD: MOST GOOD DEEDS
Before the subsequent descent into Hell, the Zhenya and Sasha Variety Hour united to play a special game for the Lokomotiv tragedy:
Pics via Empty Netters
All the team jerseys had these special patches and will be signed and auctioned off on NHL.com to benefit the families of those killed in the Lokomotiv plane crash. So, something good comes out of tonight.
Mary will be bringing you Angry Friday tomorrow.