The Super Skillz thing in general is something strange in our lives.
How are we supposed to feel about this?
Are we supposed to be impressed by skills or amused or slightly embarrassed when grown men are forced to partake in a weird relay and attempt to make it funny?
We choose a healthy blend of all three, we suppose.
The winners of the ASG Super Skills really prove nothing, but hey, all in good fun. We get to see players with their kids and acting like kids and having fun with one another.
We will sign the papers to approve its existence in the coming years.
Let’s take a look at what happened last evening.
Kris Letang opens for Team Staal, but we all know that we’re not really rooting for a team at the skills contest. At least not for individual awards. We just wanted to make sure that Ktang could skate backwards faster than anyone else in the world. We didn’t get that answer, but we do know that he can do it faster than Duncan Keith.
One mystery solved.
Moving on to other KTang mysteries:
Is the hair getting out of control?
So after a Penguins representative won the first event on the ice (obv) We move on to rookies, who are embarrassingly earnest about winning.
Michael Grabner beats Taylor Hall, everyone remains indifferent.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, someone learns to use the motion blur function on photoshop.
Then, as if to prove that this whole thing is a sham, we get to watch goalies race.
For a moment we were pretty sure that we were having that dream again.
But no, the NHL decided it should be a reality.
You can’t even pick someone to root for in this situation, you just have to delight in the fact that someone above (John Curry) loves you and wants you to be happy because you get to watch goalies race, which is only one small step behind watching goalies fight. And when you get a good, fat goalie in the mix? This is like a hilarious birthday present.
As though it weren’t enough that we got to see Timmy and Cam race, we got to see a goalie fall and struggle to get upright again, and no one got injured. If we could be assured that no one would get hurt, we would pay good money to watch goalies fall all day long.
Cam wins because he lays off the cheesy blasters on weekends and before games, but really we are the winners here.
Martin St. Louis takes on Ryan Kesler and wins, brother Steven beats the entire band Green Day, Mattie D beats the third-best Staal brother, and Michael Grabner beats Taylor Hall a final time to take the cake.
We were starting to get nervous at the beginning of the breakaway challenge. Everyone was wondering WHAT IS OVIE GOING TO DO NEXT?
Never have we been so proud of Sasha as when he shockingly didn’t try to one up his last stunt, and instead did safely-bizarre things like everyone else. We didn’t want to see him getting stuck in some endless cycle of what new and exciting thing he could do every year at the ASG Skills competition.
For the sake of modesty, we’re glad he won.
Nice showing some restraint there, Ovie.
Is someone growing up a little?
We think we like it.
The accuracy shooting event was a debacle.
Possibly the most hilarious thing to see someone go through is “Come on, seriously, this isn’t fair. But I can’t act like I give a shit, or else I’m that jerk who took the Super Skills event too seriously. But come on!”
That faulty machine produced more conflicted emotions than we have ever seen in one hockey event.
One of the Sedins wins it.
(Fun fact, when reporting on the Sedins you have no obligation to know which one it was)
Team Staal is crushing the competition.
ASG drinking game next year? We think so.
The Skills relay is really kind of terrible.
It is easily the worst of all of the challenges.
We would like to take a time-out here, instead, and let everyone know things are sometimes hard for hockey players in the heat of things. They get confused and can’t quite understand basic concepts, because their heads are too busy trying to figure out where to best make it rain next, how many bitches can fit into their hot tub, and exactly how the situation in Egypt is progressing currently.
So if you are asking for something from a professional hockey player, such as an autograph, make it easy for them (especially if that professional hockey player is Jakub Voracek MY GOD DOES HE HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME)
Take, for example, the “AUTOGRAPH HERE” boards these people brought-
WHERE DOES ZHEE AUTOGRAPH -
It’s 21-11, Staal city after the event.
Hardest shot is where it gets interesting again.
While Rick Nash lets himself get beat by people we wouldn’t even invite to our birthday parties, Zdeno Chara breaks the record with a 105.9 (the X).
As Zoe often reminds me in a strangely sexual voice, Zdeno Chara is 6’9.
This makes us root for him, as there is a weird desire to be in cahoots with an individual who is that tall.
This photo would be historic if a certain someone didn’t have to be taking photos with his CELL PHONE ON THE ICE WTF.
Also, maybe we are underestimating how much of P.Kane’s salary is controlled by his parents, something we should have looked into after his penny-pinching incident a while back.
Sir, it is two thousand and eleven.
Why the fuck don’t you have a smartphone?
And finally, just as you were wondering what new movies are on Netflix instant view these days, the elimination shoot out comes to take us out of our misery.
Maf isn’t in any of the nets, so we only half care, and that half-caring is rewarded when Rick Nash actually gets a goal, redeeming himself in part from his previous showing.
Corey Perry is 3/3 and wins the contest.
We had made a celebratory kugel for the winner of the event.
So there you have it, another year of Skills competitions out of the way.
We’ve almost burned through another All Star Weekend! Just think guys, a whole year of freedom before it strikes again.
Kind of like the yearly flu, only no one is nice to you and you have to make your own soup.
Try not to chew your arm off.