. . .was my sustenance during this game.
This game began with a Stain.
We were always of the belief that Winnipeg, as a Canadian city, was at least as deserving as the Southern American sprawl of Atlanta in terms of requiring a hockey team. (I mean remember the time the ASG was in Atlanta, what was with that shit.)
Anyway, apparently the city of Winnipeg has gotten its dick so hard over this business that they’ve forgotten you actually have to play 60 minutes before you have something to blow your load over.
So, we’ll roll out the red carpet and try to wash the Stain out of it:
MOST ANNOYING FANS OUTSIDE OF FRENCH CANADA
Girls: your signs aren’t funny.
Winnipeg: chanting “FLEURRRRYYYYYYYY” before puck drop doesn’t even actually make sense.
Booing Malkin because he’s better than anyone on your team will ever be is as good as jamming his manhood in your mouth and saying “I’M JEALOUS”
You guys are idiots. We know you’re a Canadian city with a rich hockey history and all that, but you’ve had your team for 2 minutes and the old Jets sucked too and we don’t see any Cup banners and even if we did that’s no excuse to act like the Lord Himself blessed you with his bloody, hockey spittle.
Pure poetry, I know. But really. SHUT UP.
MOMENT YOU GAVE BIRTH TO UNLIMITED OLIVE GARDEN BREADSTICKS
When, in the first period, after breathless hard work and Fleury Ballin’, Joe Vitale put in a rebound. Ondrej Pavelec’s first mistake, as he broke a shutout streak in this moment. Tough.
Pavelec then records an album of traditional Czech music and submits it to Eurovision. This photo is the cover.
This photo is not:
Italy makes a comeback in Eurovision.
Also this period, Asham fought some dude. Okay. We accept.
It was because some guy messed with Gene. We understand fights like this. Sort of anyway. Didn’t appear that Asham caused a brain injury either so that’s A+.
PERIOD THAT WINNIPEG THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT BE WORTH BREATHING AGAIN
The one where their team actually scored, lol.
Winnipeg fans immediately start screaming into the void again.
Pens are otherwise pretty solid.
Meanwhile, in the press box, Steiggy and Errey are discussing things like the meaning of Christmas or whatever. You just have a good feeling.
LEAST LIKELY TO POSSESS THE BLACK RING
James Neal sniped some shit like a boss really early in the third.
We can’t find a picture of the goal, so this artist’s representation will have to suffice:
Admittedly, this baby is doing it wrong, trying to play all the colors at once, but we allow this when James Neal is playing. It adds to the competition and length of play if you have to acquire, say, ALL the necklaces.
This season, James Neal is definitely setting his sights on all Pretty Pretty Princess game pieces.
Also, it says something about the NHL that we had to double check and make sure Phil Kessel wasn’t out with a concussion, based solely on the fact that he is in the Richard Trophy race. Say your prayers everyone. And watch out for that black ring.
NAILS IN THE COFFIN
Staal, like a grizzled WWI soldier in the trenches, hauls himself up from the mud and scores one:
Pascal Dupuis then rushed into the zone more or less all alone and sniped the glitter out of Ondrej.
This is about as good as it gets. And the city was quiet. And there were no more masturbation tissues to be had in the arena.
PENS WIN 4-1
~ lol ~
Soups and salads for all.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: MOST LIKELY TO HAVE EATEN A SMALL COUNTRY AT INTERMISSION OUT OF SHEER CRUELTY
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Marc-Andre – did everything else and no one ever cares about how amazing he is for some reason
2. Joe Vitale – for mentally transporting us to another world
3. Simon Despres – Tequila boy making himself nearly indispensable; imagine relying on anyone else at this point
p.s. Malkin got kneed in the head, if he’s concussed we should probably cancel hockey in favor of philosophical conversation, beating off, and crying:
go pens ~~~~~