repairman

THE MILKMAN AND YOUR MOM

Tonight we present you with yet another one-act play to be acted out with your friends. This time it is not suggested that you be drinking, it is required by law (internet law only, void in all 50 states.) In this play, you are the star. Act accordingly.
To start you off feeling a little better about this, watch this video and let it numb your mind.
Watching one of these things make its way across my bed was the only reason I am not hanging on a necktie from my closet door. 
Enjoy those same perks in your life.


The sun wakes you up from a glorious sleep sometime in the early morning. You momentarily aren’t sure where you are, or why the hell your bed is so uncomfortable and small. Looking around, you realize that you are in your childhood home. Confused, you make your way to the living room to see if you can figure this out. Sitting on the couch is a vaguely familiar figure from your childhood, dressed in white.
milkman

MILKMAN
Why hello there, champ!

YOU
Uh…hey?

MILKMAN
It’s been a few years, you know. You sure have gotten big! How’ev you been, scout?

YOU
Yeah, uh…what?

MILKMAN
I brought over some Lucky Charms for you, buddy. Go have yourself some with a nice cold glass of milk.

As odd as it is, you agree. Lucky Charms are the shit, so maybe this morning won’t be so bad. The day is starting off pretty good. When you get to the kitchen, however, another familiar presence is sitting at your table in a speedo. It’s that Pucell jagoff that used to clean your pool in the summers. You haven’t seen him in years, but he looks pretty much the same as he did when he graduated from the class below you, despite being two years older.

poolboy

YOU
What the fuck are you doing in my kitchen?

PURCELL
(Through a mouth of Lucky Charms) Aw, hey. What’s happening?

YOU 
…?

PURCELL
Aw, these are the last of the ‘Charms, man. Sorry about that.

YOU
You’re kidding me.

PURCELL shrugs.Into the room walks another familiar character. You are, at this point, pretty sure this is a really weird dream. 

MAINTENANCE MAN
Hey there Tiger. Been awhile!

YOU
What, exactly is happening here?

MAINTENANCE MAN
Well, we’re just waiting for everyone to finish their turn.

YOU
What?

PURCELL
Nothing.

You try not to think about what is happening and figure your alarm clock will wake you up soon. You look into the box of Lucky Charms and find some marshmallow dust at the bottom, which is pretty awesome. You tip the bag into your face while you wonder if you could fly in this dream if you tried it. A door opens in the hallway, and out walks another familiar character.
mailman

MAILMAN
Hey there, Killer, how’s it going? Is everyone here?

YOU
Can everyone cut the shit with the nicknames? What the hell are you all doing here? Where is my family?

MAILMAN
Well, hold on just a minute there, buckaroo. (Nods towards MILKMAN) You’re up, cowboy.

MILKMAN
Bout time.

The MILKMAN disappears into the room and the door shuts. You are getting more and more concerned with what is happening here. You start pinching yourself to see if you can wake up, but to no avail. Unfortunately, this may be real. After some pacing and punching walls to see if you can wake yourself up, the milkman exits the room in the hallway and comes back to sit down on the couch.

YOU
Please tell me that everything horrible I am thinking is wrong.

MILKMAN
Aw, Tiger, nothing bad is happening here! We’re all just paying a visit. We just wanted to bring you here to have a little chat.

YOU
About what?

PURCELL
Remember that time you called me a douchebag at Amy’s party?

YOU
As I recall you were double fisting PBR and saying that anyone who listens to anything other than Metallica is “totally gay.” 

PURCELL
Exactly man, that was totally uncool of you.

MILKMAN
Remember that time you left a toy car out in the sidewalk and I fell and broke my entire delivery? That came out of my paycheck, you understand?

YOU
Dude, I was eight.

MAIL MAN
And that summer you registered for all of those free samples so I had to cart your fucking tiny shampoo bottles all over town?

YOU
You are a mailman. Isn’t that in the job description?

MAINTENANCE MAN
I just like fucking your mom.

YOU
…Excuse me?

Out of the hallway comes your mother, smoking a cigarette, wearing a robe. She smiles at all of the service men in the room, before seeing you. She screams before running back into her room and slamming the door.

MILKMAN
She was good, Tiger. She was good for all of us.

PURCELL
She taught me things no woman ever had. 

MAILMAN
An experienced woman, your mother.

You feel woozy. You fall to the floor as the milkman leans over you, whispering in your ear.

MILKMAN
You never forget this day, Tiger. You remember this forever.

As the room grows dark, you mumble incoherently. You try to reach for something, anything, to begin the massacre, but the Milkman pins your arms down as the others laugh and laugh over the faint sound of your mothers sobs drifting down the hall. You will have revenge…you will…you…

UNTIL NEXT TIME.
GO PENS.


 

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