ryan_johansen

the monster comes with fury

Something that is incredibly evident from these last 2 games is that the Pens are finally getting into a groove and we can dub these games as Real by our Rules of the Universe. Yes, it actually happened. We have no need to pretend it was all a bad dream. This was legit guys. Sometimes you are the better/morally superior/more full of awesome team and you get a less-than-perfect night for Brent Johnson and Cam Ward playing his Memorial Trophy Best, likely insufflating PCP from the planet Krypton and sending the resulting emissions through a wormhole to power a village. That is our fucking worldview, and we’re sticking to it.

This was tough.
This was screaming YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT FACE at your television.
This is ~hockey~ ladies and gentlemen.

MOMENT YOU FUCKED ALL THAT NOISE, WITH A RAKE
First period started. I was making pasta. I swore and almost burned the bacon (of course bacon is involved in pasta, what’s wrong with you), but one goal didn’t phase me. It would later. In other words, it was kinda a balls way to start this off.
Can’t actually find a picture of Skinner’s goal or celebration. It may have looked something like this:

Bad joke? But how are you doing in pre-algebra, Jeffrey?

Asham also fought some guy.

etc.

Pens actually had unlimited chances this period in general. But Cam Ward was like ~~~~~.

MOST QUICKLY DASHED HOPES UPON THE ROCKS, AS IF TRAPPED IN TUMULTUOUS SEAS
There was some unreal shot of Malkin and Sullivan on the bench clearly talking to each other in very animated fashion. You felt that it was a meaningful moment, one for the history books, maybe, and if not, one that might be fun to reflect upon later, after we kick ass and win.
Meanwhile, the Canes act like asshats and the officials are like “shrug” and the Pens end up with like. All of the 5 on 3. As in, a minute and a half. If they’d been given at least a year to work on this complicated problem, maybe they would have shot the puck. It was a destructive moment. It changed everything.

just drink.

Shortly thereafter, Canes get a goal. Welp, that was definitely justice.

Way to be awful. People are whispering over beers everywhere that Cam Ward is basically impenetrable and that we’re about to get ourselves straight fucked. CAM WARD CONN SMYTHE WINNER IS THE BEST GOALIE EVER BORN. Something like that. We’re still in a daze.
Shortly thereafter, there is even yet another goal. Jeff Skinner has 5832904823 points.
In the last 5 minutes of the period, you get the sensation that even being down 3-0, we could still win this thing. One before the horn would be good. Malkin’s feeling it. But no, fuck that business, we have a real hockey game to play right quick, as soon as we injure some Steve Sullivan and cry into our ice cream in the locker room.

But then all will be cleansed.

LEAST REAL GOAL
that time Eric Staal thought he scored by poking Brent Johnson’s pad.
Really now.
We just had to say that.

MOST REAL GOAL
We end up with JStaal on a line with Gene and Neal after Sullivan is eliminated from 3rd Period Comeback situations. But Staal gets open in the slot. Cam Ward, thinking he is safe, momentarily resumes the search under his bed for his favorite bong.
We wish we had a picture, but we don’t.  There are hundreds of pics from this game, apparently, and like 10% of the goal celebrations.  Whatever.  We’re fucking shit up.  Goal.
3-1, assholes.

Also, another goal, of Puck Huffers, has been to have their efforts in the Staal Brothers Drinking Game recognized by the Penguins organization.  This sort of counts:
pens_twitter_SBDG
cute

We like how they’re keeping it PG with a blizzard cup, but if you’ve ever put bourbon in your ice cream or milkshake, or maybe if you just enjoy Blizzards a great deal, you were definitely picking up what they were putting down.

WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT WE WERE STILL THE MONSTER THAT ERIC SEES WHEN HE SLEEPS
Pens are PKing something as Steiggy and Errey continue to talk up the BROTHERS MATCHUP.
Jordan Staal suddenly gets a loooong breakaway.  Gets Ward looking the wrong way, in true Matt Cooke fashion.
Mattie immediately comes over to congratulate, because it was a fucking PK so of course Mattie is out there.
Thanks, guys.
jstaal_derp
Lady’s eye bottom right is nonplussed.

MOST THICKENING PLOT
ROOT Sports busts out a comparative graphic, perhaps anticipating that your psyche will need some extra cushioning from alcohol for what is to come:
compare_that_shit
As you can clearly see, Jordan is the statistically superior brother.
When Kunitz buries it to tie with like 8 minutes left, you just FEEL that something good might happen. . .but this graphic can’t have boded well, because the only reason ROOT would ever display anything ever is if it were meant to be taken ironically 5 minutes ltaer.  Jinx.

NO BUT ACTUALLY

beeeeeejjjj.  why you gotta be like that.  It’s 4-3.  Start calling your loved ones.  The monster has been freed from the Penguins’ watchful, metaphysical barriers and is roaming the countryside unchecked.  You could be next.

MOST OVERWHELMING TERROR.  OF ALL TIME EVER.
complete_and_utter_terror
hngggggggggg chat larose on a breakaway, what is faith, what is love, what is livelihood, what is laughter and pleasure
we will never experience them again.
Or at least not until Tuesday.  THANKS A LOT CHAD FOR BEING SO FUCKING GROSS.

PENS LOSE 5-3
hgnggfdjhgl

INDIVIDUAL AWARD: CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY

Jeff Skinner doesn’t deserve it, so we have to give it to Ryan Johansen.  Who has every game-winning goal for Columbus this season.
That’s right, all three of them.  And he’s even younger than Jeff Skinner.
He’s 19 and probably would go to a Thrice concert with you if you asked him really nice.
Way to put being the precocious rookie to good use.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Jordan Staal – 2 goals, duh.  Carolina gives him no stars because they’re cocks.
2. Evegeni Malkin – apparently playing inhuman levels of hockey doesn’t always mean auto-goal.  12 shots.
3.  Chris Kunitz – for getting another real goal.

It was tough to hang with.
But it was reality.
And we fought hard and gave ourselves a chance to win, so whatever. On to the next one.

go pens 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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