Tonight’s recap will not be written in rhyming couplets, because I think I may have broke my rhyme muscle with that last one.
Also, I’m slightly mad, because my dear TKhusband will be at this game with one of our friends, and I am clearly not joining them at the CEC tonight.
He’s like an overexcited puppy. I can’t stay mad at him.
Also also, everyone has lost their goddamn minds and forgotten that when it’s cold enough to snow, it’s definitely cold enough to freeze bridges, and so when I was out running errands earlier today, I came about a foot away from being in a multi-car accident. If I had gotten my car smashed up and ended up with a concussion, that would be a pretty succinct analogue to the Penguins season so far.
Carl Sneep? That doesn’t seem like it should be the name of a real person. Let alone a real person playing defense for our team.
Arron Asham looks sharp in his three-piece suit. Also, is he seriously wearing a headband for TV??? And inviting Dan Potash to his house for a sleepover???
Brooks Orpik is asked for his cogent analysis of how to stop Thomas Vanek. He calls for discipline and fewer shenanigans.
GOOD CHRIST ERREY OBVIOUSLY TK IS SHOOTING THE PUCK HE HAS NO OTHER MOVES
The Pens are playing like they’re possessed. Possessed by the spirits of decent hockey players, that is.
Jason Williams fires a shot from the blue line that managed to get past Ryan Miller and catch everyone by surprise, including Steiggy, who was in the middle of a sentence when he had to make the goal call. Pens 1-0
Weber goes off for tripping so that the Penguins power play can pretend like they know what we’re doing. Although Despres decides to prove my skepticism wrong and throws the puck at Miller, hard, from the near circle. That’s the second power play unit scoring to put the Pens up 2-0.
I think the Pens players all woke up this morning and said to their adorable children:
FUCK THIS NOISE.
NEVER LOSING AGAIN.
Geno sure ate some of those Wheaties this morning, backing up a ridiculous Penguins rush and following Kunitz’s lead to drive to the net and score.
Pens lead 3-0
OMG THEY TOTALLY JUST CHASED RYAN MILLER OUT OF THE NET
Hi, Jhonas Enroth. I look forward to fucking up typing your name all evening.
The list of Penguins players that are out is just plain depressing.
Speaking of depressing, Thomas Vanek manages to score one for the Sabres. Pens up 3-1
“He can pick a hole as good as anyone can in the NHL” – Errey on Vanek
I don’t know what kind of wall-humping moron works at ROOT and controls the camera angles, but we almost miss a fantastic play at the blue line by James Neal to throw the puck up to Geno, who DESTROYS Enroth. Pens up 4-1
Geno’s playing HARD. I think he is currently having emotion. No word on the size of the taste, though.
The period ends with no further scoring.
FIRST PERIOD AWARDS
Most Pathetic goes to Ryan Miller. If you let in three goals on seven shots, you don’t deserve to play in the game. I feel a tiny bit bad for him, is the thing. Hence the pathos…and much less taunting than we would normally engage in.
Speaking of pathetic, Most Hilarious Outcome goes to Philadelphia, who managed to lose 6-0 to Boston today. I seriously cannot wait to see what Insane!Bryz has to say about this on 24/7.
Every time I raise my eyebrow, I let in a goal. Why you heff to be mad?
Dan Potash asks the Pens what they want for Christmas.
Simon Despres wants socks and underwear
James Neal wants Dan Potash to get a new haircut
Craig Adams wants to be on the first powerplay unit
LET’S MAKE SOME CHRISTMAS DREAMS COME TRUE
Ryan Miller is back. Back for more, Ryan Miller?
I look up from the keyboard to see James Neal get set up super nicely by Malkin and make Ryan Miller look incredibly foolish. Pens up 5-1
I really think the Pens are just sick of losing, sick of not having guys in the lineup, and sick of making excuses.
Seriously, the Sabres can’t get anything done and the Pens are running roughshod all over them. Not really scoring any more goals, per se, but still. Roughshod.
Ryan Miller allows another soft goal, this time from Deryk Engelland. Not that he’s a bad player or anything, he’s actually super great, but MAN. Pens up 6-1
Dupuis gets an assist on Engelland’s goal and now has 300 POINTS! Good job, Duper!
The period ends with no further ridiculousness.
SECOND PERIOD AWARDS
From now until the end of time, James Neal is the Prettiest Princess. We will always, always, ALWAYS love him.
I think he’s already surpassed Rob Rossi’s predictions for his performance this year, which kicks ass. Well done, gingerbeard.
Jhonas Enroth is back in net. I’m not sure how much it’s going to help, at this point, but hey. Worth a shot, right?
Buffalo will not go gently into that good night, though, and a backwards-skating referee screens Fleury to let the Sabres score. Pens lead 6-2
Errey is jinxing us as the Sabres get a good 2-on-1, catching the Pens out of position, and score another goal. Pens lead 6-3
I bet the TKhusband is cursing Fleury as we speak.
Geno has decided that this aggression will not stand and cruises in from the right side to stuff it in past Enroth through the five-hole. Pens lead 7-3
Our excitement is tempered by the absence of Craig Adams, who has left the game with “a lower-body injury.” Let’s hope it’s just a twisted ankle or something really minor and that he’s all right, because I am not losing Craig Fucking Adams to injury as well as everyone else.
“A bullet by Kunitz” goes right in, banging off the post with a mighty THUNK. Pens lead 8-3
We receive confirmation that Adams’s injury isn’t severe, but since the score is kind of ridiculous, he won’t be coming back. Fair enough.
The game ends with nothing else notable happening.
THIRD PERIOD AWARDS
Geno gets my top award for Best Russian. This award comes with a copious amount of Russian smiley faces.
))))))))))))) all for you, Geno
Brokenest Souls go to the entire Sabres team. I feel like we’ve just given them an epic curb-stomping.
Notable Milestones go to:
Geno’s seventh career hat trick
MAF’s 200th win
Dupuis’ 300th point
Despres’ and Sneep’s first NHL goal and point, respectively
Geno being unable to complete a postgame interview because people are yelling too loudly
In short: if yesterday’s game was the Titanic, I am James Fucking Cameron.