conference_d

the truth you already know about NHL realignment: it sucks

Not that we have a lot of journalistic sway here in this land, but we couldn’t agree more with Seth Rorabaugh of Empty Netters and his post about the NHL realignment. The days of the regular season fucking mattering to anyone seem to be over. The idea of being mentally “in it” to make the playoffs is going to start disintegrating sometime around December for those teams who are more than a few wins behind the other teams in their conference. This was unthinkable before. Now, we might as well scratch our balls and get high and stop paying attention for how much the race to the playoffs is going to matter by midseason. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. We like the home-and-home between every team–A LOT–but those games matter so much less to the playoff race now. The NHL has marginalized games that they don’t consider to be marketable “rivalries” which often end up being the most purely exciting games of the season. There will be a shitton of repetitive matchups come playoff time. We feel like there is a giant NBC-shaped dick down our throats and it’s never, ever going away. Fans who rarely pay attention to teams other than their own, who are total homer bastards clutching Bud Lites and eating Cheetos with their bros barely paying attention to the games, will love this change in format. People who actually watch hockey and care about it probably will not.
Things could potentially get interesting, you know, in the THIRD FUCKING ROUND, if each conference champion is reseeded according to their points. In other news, this article about the realignment “rekindling old school rivalries” is a joke.
When does journalistic integrity return to the sports section of our newspapers and websites?
Ever?
Repeat: gurgle.
Also, literally everyone fails at math.
Everyone.
D- for you.
Having 8 teams in some conferences and 7 teams in others doesn’t actually make any sense.

Anyway, here are some speculative reasons as to why these conferences have been grouped together, and what it means for everyone involved.

conference_a
This conference consists of the teams whose fates are controlled by wood elves, which have secretly dwelt in Western forests for centuries.
The elves have a particular grudge against Roberto Luongo, who had a bad run-in with them outside a Boston Pizza in White Rock shortly after he was traded to Vancouver in 2006.
What Bruce Boudreau couldn’t know until he had actually stepped into his office in Anaheim was that in order to continue playing in California, he would have to make a blood sacrifice to the scrub grass.
This is a very dangerous conference (sorry, we keep wanting to say DIVISION, Gary), full of tribulation and strife.

conference_b
NHL should probably call this “Conference with Teams We Aren’t Sure a Lot of People Care About, and the Blackhawks, and Swedish Jizz.”
 Atlantapeg holla, you will like barely play Canada at all so you might as well still be in Atlanta.
AWKWARD.

conference_c
Everyone has already yelled their distaste with this conference from the rooftops, since it appears to be basically OMG NORTHEAST DIVISION AND FLORIDA.
The only explanation we can think of is that the NHL is slowly trying to retract Florida back into the continental US by using the radiation from jetplanes.
This is possibly the only situation in which a new and different rivalry is being created, between CANADA AND FLORIDA.
Does anyone need a change of pants?

NBC
NBC
NBC
VERSUS
NBC
VERSUS
VERSUS
VERSUS
COCKS
STAALS
DRUNK
VERSUS
VERSUS
NBC
JIZZ
INJURIES
MAX TALBOT
SIDNEY CROSBY
WAIT WHERE THE FUCK IS MIKE RICHARDS
HOW MANY POINTS DOES OVECHKIN HAVE
NBC
NBC
VERSUS
YOUR MOM

thus concludes our analysis.
we’ll be in touch with the wood elves to see if anything can be done.

Go Pens.
Philly tomorrow.  Aughghghg 

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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