TYLER’S ONGOING SEARCH FOR PONIES, AND THE REDEMPTION HAS YET TO COME: A One-Act Stage Play

In tonight’s installment of our stage odyssey, which we encourage you act out at home with your friends and family, rotten deals go down regarding the importation of ponies to Tyler Kennedy’s ranch, the use of elbows and hands, and a hazy judgment day looms in the future.

Scene 1

Underneath a palm tree on some anonymous beachfront street, STEVE DOWNIE lights a fat Cuban cigar with a match from a tattered matchbook. CHRIS KUNITZ approaches in a white linen suit. DOWNIE picks tobacco and the flesh of kittens from between his teeth.

STEVE DOWNIE

I didn’t think you were coming. I thought you were scared.

CHRIS KUNITZ

Steve, you know what we’re doing is illegal. I can’t abide by it.

STEVE DOWNIE

Make it look like an accident. I’ll reward you handsomely. I have certain standards to uphold. Coli and I–

CHRIS KUNITZ

Oh for the love of Christ, Steve, do you really fucking call him Coli?

STEVE DOWNIE

Shut up, Kunitz. You know what happens when you try my fucking patience. After an intermission or two, I’m a goddamn animal. . .

CHRIS KUNITZ

A stupid animal, that can’t even feed itself, and–

STEVE DOWNIE

You’re going to make a mistake. And I’m going to unload these ponies whether you like it or not.

CHRIS KUNITZ

My client doesn’t want your ponies. They are imported. We only trade in American and Canadian goods.

STEVE DOWNIE

Throw an elbow tonight, Chris. Throw it and he can have all the ponies he wants. You know how desperately he seeks them. You know how he cries at night.

A solemn expression falls upon the face of CHRIS KUNITZ. He shoves his hands in his pockets, and looks around nervously. MARC-ANDRE FLEURY is seen on the beach, running through the surf with his harpoon. Unsuspecting birds are being slaughtered in his wake.

CHRIS KUNITZ

We don’t need it.

STEVE DOWNIE

I’ve talked to my associates. Trust me. You will. Heh. Have you ever watched a kitten struggle to escape your hands?

CHRIS KUNITZ

No! Jesus, Steve. (pause) This is just chaos for chaos’ sake?

STEVE DOWNIE

It’s what I do. That, and murder.

STEVE DOWNIE walks towards the beach, a trail of cigar smoke tinted pink by the sunset in his wake.

Scene 2

A dreadful din fills the St. Pete Times Forum as STEVE DOWNIE launches into BEN LOVEJOY behind the net. MAXIME TALBOT is the next man to touch the puck. He valiantly skates up-ice and scores. STEVE DOWNIE maintains a glint of purpose in his eyes after the goal.

STEVE DOWNIE

What did I tell you guys? You’re never going to be safe.

ARRON ASHAM

Suck it, Downie, you piece of shit! (Scores a goal.)

STEVE DOWNIE

Oh just you wait. . .I make good on my promises.

As TYLER KENNEDY sits on the Penguins bench, he hears a voice in his ear. He cannot discern what the voice is saying, but he is instantly reminded of his pony ranch, its location a secret from all except his most trusted confidantes. He thinks of how the ranch has fallen on hard times, how many of his assisting hot babes have had to return to modeling despite their love of horses and equestrian activities. He needs more ponies.

(The sounds of delighted, pampered horses fills the air.)

STEVE DOWNIE directly taps TYLER KENNEDY on the shoulder.

STEVE DOWNIE

I’ll give you one chance, kid. One chance. . .one chance to get some ponies. Do you hear me?

Offstage, the screams of SIMON GAGNE can be heard as CHRIS KUNITZ has elbowed him in the head. No one can be sure of his intent. The replay has not yet gone up on the board.

STEVE DOWNIE

I knew he’d crack. Be afraid, kid. Be very afraid.

TYLER KENNEDY

What on earth are you talking about? I just wanna go home to my ranch, I just–

STEVE DOWNIE

Oh, you’ll go to your ranch all right. Do you want my protection or not?

TYLER KENNEDY

Never, scumbag!

TYLER KENNEDY, after much strife, and further offenses by MARTIN ST. LOUIS and the egregious ELK AKA NATE THOMPSON, eventually scores the game-winning goal.


STEVE DOWNIE spits at center ice and opens up his box of Cubans.

Scene 3

A cavalcade of shady vans pulls up behind the Penguins’ team bus as they attempt to leave St. Pete Times Forum. Each van has a trailer on the back of it, a hulking mass moving inside. MATT COOKE looks out the window in horror.

SIDNEY CROSBY

What’s going on out there?

MATT COOKE

I think. . .I think they’re ponies.

CHRIS KUNITZ

God damn it.

TYLER KENNEDY

Are they. . .are they for me? Because I won the game?

CHRIS KUNITZ

Those are tainted ponies, Tyler. You can’t have them. Or someone will spearhead an investigation. I think they’ve been illegally acquired. Matt, I can explain–

MATT COOKE

Bullshit, Chris. You know how many people already think this is my fault. We can’t have this shit following us around. . .

SIDNEY CROSBY

Leave it to me.

SIDNEY CROSBY exist the bus, and invidually coaxes ten to fifteen ponies out of their trailers. He smiles at them, looking positively beatific in the glow of the streetlights in the humid Florida air. He walks off towards the highway. The ponies follow.

TYLER KENNEDY

I really wanted those, guys. . .I really did.

ARRON ASHAM

You earned ‘em, kid. But we can’t be part of this racket anymore. I mean, did you see me calling for any ponies while Rupper was humping me?

TYLER KENNEDY

No. . . (depsondently)

MATT COOKE

Let’s get this bus going, boys.

MAXIME TALBOT

What about Sid?

MATT COOKE

He can handle it. Just move. MOVE.

As the bus pulls away, Steve Downie can be seen blowing smoke into the night air from the shadows.

THE END

Not included in this stage play is the struggle of James Neal, as it was deemed too inappropriate for children.

You’re welcome.

GO PENS. Shit.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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