The bulk of this preview is under a cut, because like the Chicago Blackhawks team, it is full of manlove.
Nothing too brutal, just some nsfw samples from literary genius around the slashing communities and what we think they imply as far as gameplay tomorrow goes.
It’s all very important.
First, we present you with Zoe’s take on dramatic recounting of events that the author calls “Good with Balls.“
“Not as good as with balls as I think I am Jonny?
What was that baby?” asks Kaner stilling his finger right outside Jon’s beautiful puckered hole.
Patrick just laughs and leans back down to suck gently at Jon’s balls as he pushes his finger in and thrusts gently.
“I taaakke it back…” Stutters Jon
“Hmm?” Asks Patrick as he licks a stripe down his captain’s cock and balls
The most important snippet of information from this wire transmission is the “aarrgh…nyung!” With Toews experiencing such physical distress, we question his condition for tomorrow’s game. Even gentle finger thrusting can rattle Captain Serious.
Jon pulls him up for a deep probing kiss until Pat pulls away……
“So Jon how good are YOU with balls” He asks mischievously with a smirk
“Shower with me asshole and you might get the chance to find out” Says Jon rolling out of bed.
And of course Kane quickly follows …slaps his ass and answers with “Christ Jon, I love you!”
Climbing into the shower Jon replies “Cause of my mad skills with balls?
“In spite of them” snorts Kane picking up the soap.
Our reporter must have been in quite the rush to get this in due to the lazy punctuation and capitalization, but we appreciate the sentiment. This is, by the way, the true story of what happened when Jonathan told Patrick he “wasn’t as good with balls as he thought.” If Kane and Toews are so distracted by these “mad skills with balls” we have to wonder how the rest of the Blackhawks locker room is suffering. Do they keep the balls around? Do they take over the mood of the room? Is this constant joking and competition about balls detrimental to the team morale?
And, now, for the implications of a story entitled “Doesn’t Always Stay in Vegas.”
“What the fuck happened last night?”
“What are you talking about?” Patrick reaches up and rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“What’s that?” Jonathan grabs Patrick’s left hand and looks down at the ring. “Oh my God.” He drops Patrick’s hand and steps back. “Paddy, what the hell happened?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fact that you and I are wearing the same damn ring.”
“Ring?” Patrick finally looks down at his hand in disbelief and is surprised to find he is indeed wearing a wedding band. “But, if I’m…and you’re…then we’re…”
*EVERYONE*’s had one of those moments, right? Where you wake up married to a man in a state where that isn’t even legal? In this stunning turn of events, we discover that Patrick and Jonny are actually married, because of some wild night in Vegas. No one knows how exactly this happened, but apparently some Hangover-esque shenanigans took place and now they have to figure out how they are married. The reports of Kane missing practice because of a “two-day hangover”, as per Deadspin, are apparently 100% true. As Kane and Toews continue to play with each other’s balls and, presumably, work out the annulment with the State of Las Vegas (and we can imagine them being pretty pissed about this whole thing), we imagine that they will be incredibly distracted from the play at hand. Remember how Petr Sykora was so attached to his wedding ring that he wore it even when he played hockey? Clearly, this is not that situation. Clearly, this is not true love, but merely a youthful lust, induced by testicle jokes. We cannot discount the validity of such a relationship, but we can take advantage of it on the ice.
Now that we know PKane and Jonny are forever distracted from events tomorrow, let’s see how the rest of the team is doing.
This is an account from a document entitled “Forgetting.”
Duncan kicks his shoes off before sitting down on the end of the bed. “You should have come with us tonight.”
“I told you I didn’t want to go out.”
“I know. But it was fun.”
Brent drags a hand through his hair. “Are you kidding me?”
“God, I hate you sometimes.” Brent pushes himself to the side of the bed and stands up.
“Forget it.” Brent walks into the bathroom and slams the door behind him. He locks it quickly so Duncan can’t get in before he sits down on the edge of the tub. He shouldn’t be so upset over this.
“Brent, how the hell am I supposed to know what’s going on if you don’t talk to me?” Duncan taps on the door. “Come on B. Open the door.”
“Why should I?”
“Brent…” Duncan sighs heavily. “Damn it Brent, open the door. Talk to me. Something. Anything.”
“Just leave me alone.”
It seems as though the romance between Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook has been a bit strained as of late. The romance has devolved much like a night spent with Marty Turco, a bottle of rum, and some Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane mix. When something like “it was fun” is said and it causes Brent to lock himself into the bathroom like a preteen girl with her first blemish, we can’t expect either of the loving couple to do well on the ice at all.
We’re women and we can’t even figure out what Duncan did wrong.
That’s saying something.
Brent looks at Duncan. He wants to tell him what he’s really feeling, but instead he nods. He sucks in a deep breath as Duncan slides his hand up his stomach. “D, stop.”
“I’m tired Duncan.”
“At least let me kiss you.” Duncan doesn’t wait for a response as he’s covering Brent’s mouth with his.
Brent squeezes his eyes shut, not wanting to let Duncan get to him like this, but it’s hard not to. Their tongues roll against each other sending a shiver up Brent’s spine. Brent pushes Duncan away then.
“I’m tired. I just want to sleep.”
“Okay.” Duncan gives Brent a quick kiss before trying to settle in against him but is surprised when the younger man turns away from him.
Really, boys, this is the passive aggressive bullshit that comes with teenage relationships. If you can’t sort out your problems in the bedroom, how are you going to sort out problems with the Penguins?
The answer?: You won’t.
So that is the preview that we feel is most accurate.
If anyone here is the author of hockey slash, don’t be offended, we get where you’re coming from.
We just like to look for all answers for all that is happening in the league, and why shouldn’t we look to 2 minutes 4 slashing?
We love the internet.
Goodnight, Curry Bless, Gay Sex, and as always,