You know, we always forget about the Blues.
We don’t know why. They’ve been around awhile. It probably has something to do with the fact that Missouri is just a fucking unlikely place for a hockey team.
We’ll say even more unlikely than Phoenix or Atlanta or SUNRISE, FLORIDA, or Tampa Bay.
It just seems so antithetical to hockey and to pro sports and we don’t even understand what St. Louis is.
We ought to visit sometime.
In another universe, we might be Blues fans.
But we’re not, so.
PENGUINS, STRAIGHTEN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING TIES OKAY.
MOST “OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN”
We experienced it all in the first period.
Jamie Langenbrunner, former Devils captain, forced to play second fiddle to fucking David Backes.
We have the Blues feed and the Blues announcers are taking every possible opportunity to accuse people of diving.
James Neal actually gets called for diving.
Fleury making unbelievable point-blank saves, a man alone in the trenches.
The Pens also get a whole lot of special teams going on but nothing really happens. But: Fleury is there, and that’s what counts.
PERIOD THAT BEGAN WITH THE MOST BELIEF
Early in the 2nd, the Blues announcing team thinks it’s the greatest controversy in all of sports history that a holding call drawn by Malkin wasn’t accompanied by a diving call.
You think it probably doesn’t matter because the Pens won’t do anything on the power play anyway.
Then, somehow, Martin, who is deep on the play, makes a sick pass to Neal at the bottom of the circles with like 9 guys in his butt.
Snipejob. God lives again.
Shortly thereafter, MacIntyre steps onto the ice, takes a penalty. Tangradi’s choo-choo-training probably would have been more useful in this game, sadly.
Whole world is crashing down.
Fleury is fucking balls out on every Blues player who dares to venture near him.
Letang ices the puck out of spite on at least one occasion.
Like, LOOK I’M GOING TO ICE IT. AND YOU’RE STILL NOT GOING TO SCORE.
Sullivan gets some nasty deflection from a point shot and then a Blues players’ skate:
Earns at least 2x every goal he scores. This one was good.
MOST NON-MARC-ANDRÉ-FLEURY BALLS IN YOUR MOUTH
Patrik Berglund mutant self-replicating balls.
First off of a huge-ass turnover.
note how you can see no one’s eyes in this photograph
could it be a satanic prayer circle
MOST EVENTS CAUSE BY A SATANIC PRAYER CIRCLE
This theory at least partially proven when Vitale almost scores, and his family, in their special suites since he is from St. Louis and they want nothing more than to see him play, FREAKS THE FUCK OUT but Elliot hates joy and makes the save.
There is some penalty against the Blues and the Pens go to work, but manage to hook Berglund on a shorthanded breakaway, which leads to an instant penalty shot, and a goal, by Patrik Berglund’s balls.
that’s 2-2 on a SHORTHANDED PENALTY SHOT.
we’re the best!
Vitale is also stopped on some whirl-around backhander that was probably telepathically sent to him by Sidney Crosby.
by the way: Fleury, still more balls out than you will ever be.
We wish we had more photographic evidence but the press was probably too drunk.
Blues use their timeout because they want to get a better matchup for the Malkin line towards the end. Just really simple, but somewhat cocky, use of a timeout.
Cooke then railroads Barret Jackman with an awkward shoulder check, which somehow becomes boarding, and which was probably embellished by some kind of fetal position reaction.
Have you ever seen a player with an actual head/neck injury go into the fetal position like clockwork after receiving a hit? Really.
Not that we’re homers or anything.
Except we probably are.
But it’s Matt Cooke so the Pens should be expelled from the league and set on fire with lighter fluid.
So the Pens end the game on the PK.
Start OT on the PK.
Somehow survive OT by virtue of Fleury’s unbelievable work to combat the forces of evil through flexibility and sheer willpower.
His save on Vladimir Sobotka (and his hair) towards the end is what babies are made of.
But no, we’re going to yet another shootout. GOD FORBID THIS GO ON ALL NIGHT.
Shattenkirk basically does the same thing as Berglund and Fleury makes a nearly identical save.
Malkin smokes Elliott. No surprise there.
Oshie scores, too. WELP.
James shoots his puck high and wide.
Alex Pietrangelo falls victim to Fleury’s Impregnating Pokecheck.
And then we tote out the last component of our First Line, Chris Kunitz. You might be like “why Chris Kunitz?”
because he has one move and yet no one ever looks at tape of Chris Kunitz when studying up for the big game.
Surprise: he went five hole.
It was kind of like going to Mordor, but we did it.
PENS WIN 3-2 SO
MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TANGO PARTNERS
look at that face. that is a face that says “my body is ready.” But Michalek isn’t quite yet.
SECOND MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TANGO PARTNERS
Paul wasn’t quite ready for Chris Stewart’s advances.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. JOE MOTHERFUCKING VITALE OH MY GOD
2. Fleury’s pokecheck, because him getting the other 1st star wasn’t enough.
3. James Neal. 100 goals and career high 27 goals, with 33 games left in the season. lol
so, suck on that. pens don’t play until after ASG when they play Toronto
BONUS SECRET MOMENT OF THE GAME
When Brent Johnson congratulated Fleury with epic laughter and was all smiles at MAF’s achievement.
Start him against Toronto. Get him his confidence back.