tk

what now bitch

fuck_youuu_2
courtesy of psamp

If the Pens lose this game, people start asking tough questions. Instead we can celebrate, wondering how useless it is possible for Benoit Pouliot to make himself, and engaging in some healthy Subban-hate. It’s a good night. And unto Boston now. How much hot revenge can we possibly eat?

MOST OMINOUS BEGINNINGS

press is all over everything.
Pens come out and immediately take a penalty. Could have been shitshow city right then, but it gets killed. Everyone gets some chances. Refs call a penalty on Letang because they somehow respect Subban. Whatever.
Goligoski eventually ends up in a rush and blows one by Price.

Surprise: Conner was on the ice. When Conner is on the ice, shit is happening. End of story.

But then, the Habs come back and make Paul Martin look like Wade Redden or some shit. Plus Michalek make a mistake. The d-pair earned its -1.
plekanec
looks like it was taken through the window of a moving train or some shit
1-1

WORST COMBINATION OF FORWARDS EVER (WELL PERHAPS WE EXAGGERATE)
Malks and Kunitz should never be together because their first instinct is to make a bad pass to the other. Just horrible giveaways all night. Kunitz’s patented Crosbyvision became Malkinvision.
As we are lamenting this fact, Habs get another shit goal off a deflection early in the 2nd. If credit goes to Subban, we bomb the arena, but it doesn’t, so it’s less horrible.
You’ve seen this beast before.

PLAY THAT ACTUALLY SHOWED RESILIENCE
TK steps onto a power play unit after Benoit Pouliot does something. He does what he does best, which is to get a sneaky shot in.

2-2, the equalizer. The Penguins team that has played so far in 2011 probably wouldn’t get that. But this was a new day. Big goal by TK.

CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY
MY NAME IS CAREY I DON'T LIKE LIVING
We couldn’t find a press photo of Price making a save in this game, but he was lights out for awhile. No rebounds.

Chris Conner basically kills and eats Jaroslav Spacek at one point. And Carey Price is described as “large.” Gomez tries to show up, but Fleury causes him to poop himself. Fleury basically has to bail his team out. But, the Pens get a late PP. And much like Cam Ward, he blows a big moment, and gets his ass owned by Jordan Staal.

First of the season. SUCK IT.
3-2

BIGGEST CONSPIRACY
The referees obviously had it out for the Habs in the third period. The Pens remembered to slip the $100 bills (Canadian kthx) into their pockets after second intermission. There is clearly no other explanation.
Pens get an early chance to make the mountain bigger, and Goligoski beelines to the net for a loose puck:

In a strange way, life makes sense.
Pouliot scores soon after but he scored because he committed a penalty, so therefore, that’s no goal. Don’t even remember the noises the Montreal fans were making at this point. People were probably eviscerating their own family members while crying.
When Letestu drops the gloves with Subban, you know this is the Pens’ night.

Fans then get irate over a hooking call. Letang blasts a slapshot for a goal that ends up being credited to Kunitz.

For the Habs, love is over. Even if they have a city tomorrow they will probably have jumped into a fiery pit in protest.

Pens win. 5-2
CAUSIN’ A LITTLE CHERNOBYL OF OUR OWN OVER HERE

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MAN WITH MOST INTEREST IN WRAPPING HIS ARMS AROUND CRAIG ADAMS’ KNEE?

PK Subban

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. ALEX FUCKING GOLIGOSKI – played an amazing game tonight. put his dick in all the haters’ mouths and told them to suck it
2. Benoit Pouliot – really
3. Mark Letestu – our hero.

Thank god for this.
Go Pens.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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