Okay, first of all, Go Pens.
Despite your little maneuver where the Wings caught up to you after you had a seemingly insurmountable lead we at least pulled two points out of this game.
Secondly, what sort of back ally interns did the press find to man their cameras last night?
Waiting for photos to roll in was ridiculous last night, and when I saw that this photo was one of the 8 submitted to our favorite media hub from the game last night (two of which are the same photo, submitted twice), I was ready to throw in the towel:
With swamp thing appearing in the published photos, you have to wonder what was left on the cutting room floor other than ejaculate of Wings bloggers when regulation ended and they started getting fevered ideas of what could happen.
So, with these remaining photos, let me try to assemble a story that accurately describes last night’s game:
Once apon a time there was an ice hockey team named the Pittsburgh Penguins. They were the best team in all the lands, and had the bitchingest players. One day they were forced to play hockey in the Land of the Forgotten – a wasteland that once produced slightly useful things but was now being taken off the map by their own government – to play the Detroit Red Wings.
At first, the Pittsburgh Penguins were doing just fine. Everyone on the team was doing amazing things on the ice. Benny Lovejoy had a chance at a goal, Brent Johnson was making all of the ladies of the land pregnant with his wonderful saves, and Deryk Engelland got hit in the face with a puck and came right back out onto the ice, showing everyone what high virility he has.
This photo takes us to a scene during the hockey game in the Land of the Forgotten.
Dustin Jeffery is a hardworking boy trying to get his family’s puck to the other end of the ice. Tomas Holmstrom is the town molester and plans to rape little Jeffery after the game if the Penguins don’t win. Jeffery cried for a little while when he heard this, but after his mother told him he could do it, he went to defend himself.
Because this moment of bravery and motherly love is so important, it was published twice:
Then, before anyone knew what was happening, Pascal Dupuis got the puck. Pascal, you see, was the town archer. And while very good at hitting things dead-center, this is not the most useful of skills in hockey. Goalies across the land protect their logos when they see Pascal coming their way, but the net is not their foremost concern. This time, however, a miracle had occurred!
Pascal had take a special pill, given to him my a mysterious man with a Nova Scotian accent. With the power from this pill, Pascal wraps around the goal and puts the puck in!
Always, always take pills from mysterious men, children.
Chris Kunitz, one of the valiant knights from the village, asks Pascal how he got the magic that he was playing with. Pascal smiles at him, and asks if he’d like to work off of the magic. The two of them set off to work, and in a few moments, Pascal has given the puck to Chris, who expertly guides it into the net.
The Pens skip to the locker room, 2-0 and pleased.
The Pittsburgh Penguins now rein over the Land of the Forgotten with an iron fist – they cut off the hands of thieves, put enemies of the state in the iron maiden, and kill random citizens at will. It is a beautiful time in the Land of the Forgotten, and all of the citizens cheer.
Pascal, our hero from before, uses his magic again to put another puck in the net. And as we’ve learned, Pascal is plenty happy to share his magic with other on the team.
Tyler Kennedy, prince of all the lands, asks him if he can borrow some.
“Why of course you can, mister Kennedy!”
The Pittsburgh Penguins are obviously very happy that everyone in the kingdom now looks to them for answers and that the villagers shake in fear when they walk by.
Unfortunately, the magic gets out of hand. Young Kris Letang, a unicorn herder, got carried away in the magic. His skates got a mind of their own, and reached out for the nearest puck to send it into a net. Unfortunately, he inadvertently attacked his own lands.
The magic was gone. A cloud fell over the lands.
Things have gotten terrible in the lands.
Count Filppula has arrived on his dark steed to put a puck in the net for the enemy, the protective magic having been broken.
Kronwall and Modano, part of the former royal family of the Land of the Forgotten (rumored to be incestuous) get a point each to tie the score.
Things have gone terrible awry.
Hint: Don’t rent the extended versiou when it comes out on DVD.
Just get the one that goes straight to “Happily Ever After.”
And they all lived happily ever after.
CAN THAT NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN OKAYPLZ AND CAN PRESS PLEASE WAKE THE FUCK UP FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON?
Thank you, Prince Neal.
Calming our hearts.
Never losing again.
Never doing that again, either.