why the fuck is our home opener against the panthers?

Whoa, probably because suddenly they have players you’ve heard of.

Well, that’s not really an adequate explanation, but all the other teams were probably busy?

What, you mean most of the other teams actually WEREN’T busy at all; and that in fact only Minnesota and Ottawa will even be remotely busy with each other after 7pm tomorrow?
I mean, seriously, look at this shit:

click through to visit the Panthers site. . .it’s beautiful overall

We totally buy Jovanovski here. Dude looks like a hardened Army general who refuses to pull his men out of the city, even when it appears that all hope has been lost and the panzers are coming in bunches.
But who is Upshall trying to kid?

Campbell and Versteeg don’t look so much “built to win” as if they’re doing a screen test for a straight-to-DVD action movie.
They aren’t even going to get the parts, either.

You know who would have been better in this picture?
The angelic face of Dmitry Kulikov.

Imagine Kulikov as the young infantry soldier who doesn’t know if his girlfriend still loves him or if he’ll ever see his baby sister again.

Then again, we can’t imagine that weird lighting-from-below thing would be attractive.
Already can’t wait for the ASG portraits. Not that any of these guys will be involved. *rimshot*
No we made that up. Maybe they will be. That’s a lie. No idea what’s going to happen.

No but how can you go wrong with the Panthers at your home opener?
They beat the Islanders 2-0 in their season opener, and are on the road for a bajillion years to start the season, too, so they have some kindred feelings with the Pens. We’re not getting Vokoun’d and everyone who cared about the “rat trick” is probably dead so this is an entirely different Panthers team we’re facing, folks, complete with. . .Kris Versteeg. . .and other people. And Jose Theodore. Whatever.

Bore into our souls, Florida. We’re waiting.



About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.