sultriness

with apologies to clement clark moore

‘Twas a cold night in Nassau when the Penguins arrived
To challenge those jerks on the Islanders’ side.
Their fans are obnoxious, the beer’s overpriced,
And the floor’s super sticky. There’s probably mice.

But we Penguins faithful will watch every game.
Location’s no biggie, we’ll tune in the same.
Join me (in my Snuggie) and Zoë (with a drink)
As we recap this game from the worst hockey rink. 

PREGAME SHENANIGANS

JStaal is hurt, Jason Williams is in.
But Engo’s come back, to Matt Martin’s chagrin.
The Isles themselves are winning a bit
But we’re hoping that trend will reverse and they’ll quit.

Disco and Potash are our favorite Dans
We like to hear all about their big plans.
DiPietro is out, but he sure won’t be missed.
  I bet he’s just hiding from Brent Johnson’s fists.

FIRST PERIOD

The Isles’ third jersey makes them look super dumb.
But whatever the outfit, they’ll still play like bums.
Tavares goes crashing straight into the net
And draws a lame penalty on Duper. No sweat.

The Penguins are having some trouble, it seems
In trying to realize their goal-scoring dreams.
Ullstrom? Who’s that? Oh, just some random dude
Who stuffs it in net. 1-0 Isles. How rude.

Geno gets called for the SMALLEST of hooks.
I think he got robbed. The refs must be crooks.
Jurchina and Wideman combine for a goal
It’s 2-nothing Isles. Let’s get out of this hole!

The puck is now under Vitale’s control.
He passes to Sullivan, who scores a huge goal!
It’s 2 to 1 Isles, but I feel the game shift
A few more Pens goals would be a great gift.

Our current favorite is Princess James Neal.
We adore his sick moves. We might even squeal.
Now Neal justifies all our fawning and praise,
And scores on Montoya. 2-2 tie. We’re amazed.

We love your mad skills and your great gingerbeard,
We’d be completely distraught if it ever disappeared.

SECOND PERIOD

The Isles start the second on a lame power play
And we just don’t care. We’ll kill that all day.
But after some skating, Okposo shoots high
Beating Fleury up top. 3-2 Isles, makes me cry.

Zoë wonders why Engo’s so perfect inside
We missed him so much. We practically cried.
Some offsetting penalties now happen outright
As Hamonic elbows Brooks Orpik. With spite.

Montoya goes flopping all over the ice
As Neal stuffs it in. 3-3 tie. Very nice!
Fleury stands tall to keep stopping the puck.
Then Orpik comes back and starts running amok.

TK makes a great pass that goes straight to Dupuis
Who snipes the puck in to go up 4 to 3.
The period ends without too much fanfare
Let’s hope that the third is a Penguins affair.

THIRD PERIOD

The Pens come out strong taking pucks to the net
And Cooke stuffs it in. 5-3 Pens. Now we’re set.
The Isles look sad, slow, and completely dejected.
Mostly because their offensive drives get rejected.

Paul Martin puts it in off a weird bounce.
It’s 6 to 3 Pens. Isles fans start to flounce.
Not much is happening. The players seem bored.
I think it’s about time for some PH awards.

Consistent Saves goes to our goaltender Fleury
Who turns pucks aside with a calm kind of fury.
Although we’re now winning, Crosby’s the Most Missed
Games go much better when he’s there to assist.

Steiggy updates us while the game clock ticks down,
The Penguins are winners as they head back to town.
I hear Errey exclaim as the ROOT broadcast ends,
“Feel better, Sid! And c’mon, LET’S GO PENS!”

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