How perfect can a man be?
He can have the charm of Bear Grylls.
He can have the upper body strength of Robert Irvine.
He could even love America as much as Ron Swanson.
But no man can do what James Neal does to us these days. Really. We’re kind of thirteen, and he’s kind of Edward Cullen.
Sometimes we do things we aren’t proud of.
OUTFIT THAT MADE YOU FEEL MOST ANTI-AMERICAN FOR HATING
We here at PH respect veterans and their families.
We love America and anyone who would want to risk their lives protecting it, because we know that the “American” military is just the government’s way of making sure Pittsburgh is protected while not offending any of the much less important places (all of them but Pittsburgh.)
But come onnnnn.
We’re FC trash at our core, and we still think there’s a better way to express pride than cammo.
Really bad cammo, at that.
At least it was over fast.
This award goes to you, sitting at home, watching the first half of the first period.
The action on the ice is really divine. Malkin is being a god, James Neal is being a James Neal.
Brooksy is having fun.
Everyone is getting into the spirit.
Unfortunately it’s all foreplay with no payoff.
We find ourselves still looking for a money shot late into the period.
MOST MISDIRECTED MONEY SHOT
If you were hoping for a money shot, however, your faith was misplaced, as Nystrom slips one into our net.
We’ve never seen such a failed attempt to turn us on since we spied the “Forced to Lactate” series in a nearby…
The series peters out around the 10th film (seriously) but the covers have really never stopped calling our faith in humanity into question.
If you have the stomach for it and the time to clear your browser history, check out this cover art for the fourth installment.
Almost exactly what this goal looked like to us.
MOST CONFUSING SECOND
If you are like us and don’t really think in complete thoughts and only listen to buzz words so that you can focus more on the measurment of whiskey going into your coffee, you may have momentarily thought OH NOES when you heard that GoGo Boots is out of the game with an upper body injury during the first half of the second period.
It passes like a bolt of lightning.
“Oh sh-oh wait, hasn’t he been gone for like, years?”
Not that we’d ever want to see someone get hurt, especially if they helped the Guins in a time of need.
But sir, something about your outfit is a little less…
We feel some relief when we remember. And then we feel a little guilty.
We can live with that.
MOMENT YOU THANKED YOUR LUCKY STARS
The refs wave off a Kunitz goal and you’re starting to think that 11-11-11 may just be the worst day yet, when Neal lets a one timer loose and saves your day and the spirits of all.
We never doubted you sir, not once.
THE EVEN WORSE CASE OF BLUE BALLS
Kunitz gets a goal waved off once again by the refs at the beginning of the third and a conspiracy is in the air.
You think that maybe the president is involved. Or maybe the vice president. Or former vice president. Or at least someone who plays the president on television is really invested in making Kunitz fail tonight.
Then, he finally gets out of it and gets the puck on his stick before sailing it into the net. Curse lifted.
BUT OH WAIT
It touched someone else’s stick?
Black magic, possibly.
Neal ends up with the point and you wonder, briefly, if he sold his soul to the devil.
And then you remember how handsome he is.
Definitely sold his soul to the devil.
And we love him all the more for it.
MOST UNEXPECTED CHERRY ON TOP
Mattie Cooke nails up the coffin with a penalty shot.
No, I didn’t have a stroke.
This alone makes this night golden.
God bless America.
We know we’ve never been Sid fangirls, but really, we’re willing to admit we’d saw off our own limbs to get him back.
We just wanted to give him an award.
It’s been too long.
ALT THREE STARS
3. Lyle Lovett
We’re at the top of the NHL, bitches.
And we don’t intent to move.