Having never been to Los Angeles, I really can’t tell you how the Kings fit into their collective psyche. Suffice it to say, said collective psyche is probably getting Mike Richards Disease from a case of prolonged exposure. Also: people are dicks.
But we brought justice to the west coast. We rode into battle. It wasn’t pretty at all. It was actually kind of ugly. But, as everyone is saying: wouldn’t this be an amazing Stanley Cup Final.
We would be shitting our pants several times daily before Game 3. What are you even talking about.
Bob Errey claims the Kings are doing a “lot of woodwork” when they take like nine penalties. Including Rob Scuderi, who put a puck over the glass all by himself, causing the Kings to take some big-time timeout and act like they were calming things down. It was actually insane. All kinds of slashing and poking. But apparently not enough to make a birdhouse or a clock.
The Pens obviously fail to score on the 5 on 3, because that’s just what they do. The 5 on 3 actually goes on for something like three frigging minutes (but we could be exaggerating)? Anyway, Letang did some patient play and got the puck to Sullivan after getting eveyone turned around, on their knees, looking the other way. JQuick was powerless.
It’s Sullivan’s first as a Penguin. He means business. The goal itself means business. There will be no A’s in shop class forthcoming.
James Neal’s facial hair threatens to steal the spotlight from Sullivan’s understated joy. Hint: unsuccessful.
MOMENT YOU STARTED LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER
Early in the 2nd Kris Letang got attacked by Dustin Brown, decided he’d had enough of Brown’s face, and had an angersplosion in his face. It was a penalty. Immediately thereafter, the Pens got “too many men” so it was the Kings’ turn to be embarrassing. It didn’t quite happen for them, though, until later. There was an awkward moment where Chris Kunitz’s head was in a guy’s crotch. Kunitz was just everywhere tonight.
Vitale continues to work his balls off ans Sullivan never leaves the ice. Something is up.
Robert Bortuzzo, who was pretty gosh darn solid for his first ever NHL game (i.e. he did a couple of little things and went otherwise unnoticed) got called for a rough. We missed the replay so we’re not experts.
Anyway, it was a Thing, and we’re pretty sure Richards acted like he was dying for funsies. We see a Mike Comrie highlight reel of a single empty net goal. Yep, shit’s getting weird. [at this point in the recap, I fell asleep while typing and started saying something about how we “didn’t have the keys.” There was also a picture of an extinct tortoise species open on my computer. So I went to bed. Sorry. Recap continues in real English sentences now.]
We get a very intense moment of Brent Johnson, a beacon of hope.
Most Important Man Award
Pens commit some turnover in the neutral zone and Anze Kopitar chugs on in like an unmanned, highly intelligent Train of Doom.
Makes it look easy. Oh god, he is a robot of flesh.
Shoulders: you have been looked over.
Fleury responds to the goal by making nine million saves on the doorstep. Fuck you.
MOMENT YOU CHECKED YOUR HANDS FOR UNREMEMBERED BLOOD
The third period didn’t get off to a great start.
Everyone bailing everyone else out.
Finally, Stoll does something stupid and slashes someone. Pens PP takes the ice, but Mike Richards is all over that shit. He gets a breakaway chance, and Kris Letang makes the play he’s been making for years. You know, as Steiggy and Errey say, STICK ON PUCK JGFLKSDJFJLDS. But no. It was instead a penalty shot. Luckily Mike Richards is an idiot who crumbles under expectations.
Can’t find any pics of Richards failing. Some speculation was had as to whether or not Fleury made an unbelievable save with the shaft of his stick–as it appeared on the slow-mo replay–but Fleury was adamant in postgame that Richards didn’t give him anything.
The Pens power play resumes and Malkin immediately fans on a golden opportunity.
If the person next to you is missing at this point, you may have killed them and hidden the body without realizing it.
A GIFT AND A CURSE
Something goes on along the boards which leaves every King open ever, and they score on a delayed penalty. Gagne. Really.
Of course it was going to be Gagne.
2-1 and there are like six minutes left. You don’t want to hope, because Quick is good, and Kopitar is always lurking with mechanical intensity.
Kings are shortly thereafter under the impression that they got another goal, but it was a high stick. Yeah, lol.
Could it be? No. . .certainly not. Could battling from behind still be in our blood?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU
Pens come back swarming. Picard throws the puck up ice for an actual rush. Kunitz and Staal go to work kicking ass down low, and Kunitz comes out from behind the net. Quick could just come over and save that in spectacular fashion. Or he could not quite get there. There are bodies everywhere so it’s hard to see the puck go in from TV. But Steiggy knows. And so does Chris Kunitz. This isn’t even a real award, it’s just fact. FUCK YOU.
Kings do some shit to James Neal in the neutral zone after the goal, causing Brooks Orpik to probably threaten the officials’ families. Adams and Vitale work their testicles off in the corners. With 30 seconds left, Kris Letang almost wins it in regulation but hits a post. Good god.
WEIRDEST FIVE MINUTES
Overtime was just awkward.
Errey says he gets the feeling it is going to shootout which is such a jinx move, but we still love you Bobby.
Fleury makes a million saves in general and Sullivan is blindsided by Stoll in a startling sequence.
Richards gets a chance with 10 seconds left when, purportedly, the referees intentionally don’t call a trip. Could have been the game right there. But it wasn’t. We live.
MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS
When the shootout hits, it goes something like this:
Stoll shoots it wide, because he deserves nothing in life.
Malkin is stopped by Quick hardcore.
Kopitar comes in, in all of his fleshbot glory, and opens up Fleury’s five hole like a package of Tostitos. This guy is something else. Only member of the Kings really threatening us at all.
Letang scores, faked Quick out so hard he didn’t know what day it was.
Dustin Brown is thwarted by Fleury’s badassery.
James neal equally thwarted, his facial hair not resplendent enough to beat Quick.
Fleury continues the FUCK YOU to Simon Gagne.
But Chris Kunitz. Oh Chris Kunitz.
There goes the neighborhood.
WE ARE BURNING IT DOWN.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: DIDN’T FUCK UP AT THINGS
No hugely flagrant mistakes in your first NHL game and more or less playing with confidence. Thanks, Robert Bortuzzo. We needed you.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
Kings gave the first star to Kopitar because they don’t care about Truth. Kunitz was not even a star. So. Bitter much?
1. Chris Kunitz
2. Marc-Andre fucking Fleury
Saving with his eyes closed.
Eternally watching over us and protecting us from Anze.
Getty Images, you made this way too easy.