We all know the Kafkaesque terror that comes out of playing in New Jersey. Well, someone must have given it tuberculosis because it didn’t show up.
The Penguins have won 11 straight. This game had its painful little hiccups. Crosby still hasn’t scored; maybe we should trade him. I mean he is kind of too pretty to hang out with the other kids:
Oh, Captain. it’s good to see you back and making unattractive faces.
MOST STUNNING AND OCCASIONALLY UPSETTING MOMENTS
Chris Kunitz was awarded a penalty shot early, but Brodeur definitely didn’t bite on his move. Like 2 seconds later James Neal scored a goal super early on off of the faceoff. Brodeur was unable to deal with this and it was so shocking that nobody took any pictures of anything. Just a “derp” move by the press.
They did, however, capture this great Pens fans presence in NJ during warmups. We’ll take it. It is a sign of things to come.
Oh wait here is a weird picture of Neal as Kovalchuk looks on in soft angst and wonders where his favorite jeans are right now and if they miss him.
Brodeur then made a series of insane saves on Sid. Slapshot, rebounds.
Does Sidney Crosby even seem like a real person anymore? Does he seem more like the unrealistic Baby Jesus of the past? Does he seem like he is being suspended above a stormy ocean looking straight into the eyes of Poseidon, unflinching in his resolve?
Whatever. He’s pretty good.
We hear about a terrifying place that Marek Zidlicky once inhabited called “Mike Yeo’s doghouse.” We can only assume that Sidney Crosby has never been there. What a terrifying idea.
Andy Greene Some kid named Josefson scored a goal that was like barely a goal.
w/e. We had our doubts but they were few. Nothing else really happened.
When Alexei Ponikarovsky shot the puck into the logo.
But Pascal Dupuis runs all of his shifts lately in God Mode. Zero fucks given. His face at having sniped Martin Brodeur is priceless. Some monounsaturated fats undulated out of his orifices as the goal went in. See?
Then, all of a sudden, Matt Cooke emerged from his lair and tipped a shot in.
Brodeur’s face tells a terrifying story. Matt Cooke’s ass is all up in his business and it is a stunning sight. We love it when people go to the net. Starting to see more and more of the Matt Cooke we know and love, from the past, before all of the Bad Things happened.
MOST AMMUNITION AND WARMEST KITCHEN FIRE
Then. Then! The Pens got a PP. And Crosby, battling along the boards, manages to thread some kind of unbelievable pass to Gene for a one-timer. One of the best passes we’ve seen in a long, long, LONG time. Jesus Christ.
GATHER ‘ROUND THE KIDS, EUGENE
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE WINTER!!!!
By the end of the third, the shots were something like 26-9 Penguins. Seriously.
AS THE ICE AROUND OUR HEARTS MELTS
The sun rose on the 3rd period, which was strange and awkward.
Everyone was out examining the spring seedlings when Petr Sykora frolicked up and made a thing happen.
We were pretty Whatevs about it. We can’t get mad at Petey. We just can’t.
But it was 4-2, and we didn’t want to have some kind of wretched collapse into the depths of the Earth. There is, of course, a win streak at risk here. And embarrassment to the Devils. Which we are sick of.
NEVER THE FUCK YOU MIND, CHILDREN
The stars are just perfectly placed.
Not Fleury’s best game, but it’s kind of hard to stay sharp when you only face 14 shots. We understand.
We dare you not to get terrified of Sid’s eyes boring into your soul through the visor here.
Who’s the pretty one here? Volchenkov, clearly.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Kris Letang – still going strong
2. Matt Niskanen – because
3. Jordan Staal – beast
philly in 10 minutes! go pens.