You know, we talk shit on the press about 99% of the time.
The other 1% we are in Canada.
Had this game gone poorly, we probably wouldn’t be commending anything Canadian, but as is, we feel comforting congratulating their cameramen for a swift eye and a flair for drama.
Look at that.
That’s real craftsmanship.
So tonight, we’re going to set some time aside to thank Canadian press. It’s sort of like the special Olympics for reporting.
You guys were so close to being American. If only you could have eaten a few more cheeseburgers, loved freedom, and ditched your camera skills and commitment to documenting hockey events.
We’ll be happy for the little things.
MOST ADORABLE FORESHADOWING OF PAIN AND DISASTER
This photo, taken before today’s game, somehow foreshadowed what would happen in the first few seconds of this game.
If we note the composition, the puck is seemingly flying from God above to Lars’s outstretched hand. His gratitude for the Lord’s loving embrace can be seen in that pious smile, face scrubbed clean as Punky Brewster on a Sunday.
This photographer and his/her work get our highest accalaids for capturing a moment of religous purity.
MOST BEAUTIFUL REPRESENTATION OF JOY
You know, ever since the women’s liberation movement, photographers have been afraid to artistically capture the joy of groups of women. Instead we must focus on inequality, pain, suffering, etc. Boring shit.
Well, all of the ladies in this picture look pretty happy, and that’s a satisfying feeling.
Especially that #58.
Thank you for the courage, Mr. or Miss. Photographer.
BEST DEPICTION OF SELF-AWARE DOUCHBAGGERY
Sometimes it’s hard to catch those moments of truth.
In most situations, a photo such of this wopuld be filled with false bravado, smiles, and the puffed chests of those that were trying hard to pretend they had earned something.
No one looks happy here.
This photo won’t warm hearts, but it shows us something real, and we can respect that.
WINNER OF THE DRAMATIC IN-MOTION CATEGORY
Sometimes a goal really isn’t the most important aspect of a sporting event. And while plenty of shots were taken of the goal itself, the most important photo of the night is the dramatic interpretation of the feelings imparted by said goal.
MOST NATIONALISTIC FOCUS
We assume everyone loves their own country as much as we love America, although we can’t find a single reason to understand why.
That’s why we can appreciate the slightly blurred Jeffrey.
We’d rather focus on an American being scored on than a Canadian scoring.
So the opposite must be true for those dirty Cans.
God Bless Nationalism.
YEAH OKAY WE GET IT.
WE HAVE TO BE GRACIOUS.
THANKS FOR SHOWING UP, MR. PHOTOGRAPHER.
THE AMERICANISM AWARD
(No photo of this next goal exists from Canadian press. They must have been bobbing for nachos in a vat of cheese. Get ‘er done.)
BEST DISASTER VICTIM SHOT
You can hear the “wtf” from this photo.
That takes an awesome zoom lens.
Keeping your equipment updated is what wins you awards.
BLUE RIBBON FIRST PRIZE
This is Emotion.
Pens in the SO.
Evgeni Malkin’s hot neck.
Likewise, James Neal’s beard.
ALT THREE STARS
2. Neck Veins
3. Knock off 5-hour energy.