and by country we mean Pittsburgh. Because if you can’t call Pittsburgh your motherland, you probably don’t grasp just how vaguely (not specifically) satisfying beating the Flyers in the regular season can be. It’s like the last cookie in the package. Waking up in the morning and finding out that there was a water main break at your job or something, so you don’t have to go in. That kind of satisfying.
MOMENT WHEN THE MOST HATERS WERE FORCED TO MOVE EVER SO SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT
Early on, Matt Cooke put a snipejob through Bryz. One of those moments from fever dreams. Or, so you thought, since it was still early in this game.
Sullivan made Talbot look useless shortly thereafter, and you were still busy comprehending the repercussions of your existence when the world collapsed in a heap of ember and ashes.
Jaromir scored two.
First even strength on a bizarre 4 on 4, then on the PP after some penalty stuff. At this point, you had written the NHL off as a “godless festival of cum.” But you knew the Pens were the better team. No way in the Real NHL does Philly ride to victory on the sore groin of a middle-aged man. Even in all of your nightmare scenarios, this can only be temporary insanity. They could win the game, but down the stretch it’s going to be all tears. You’re telling yourself this. You feel you have to. It already feels like it’s over. Your consolation prize is that Martin doesn’t look like he’s asleep yet.
The Pens will start the next period on a PP. But it really doesn’t feel like that.
BIGGEST WINGSPAN IN THE AVIARY
Malkin came out flying to start the 2nd, but it looked like it was going to be more of the same. Paul Martin got a penalty for having testicles (we were surprised too). People started attacking each other after normal, freeze-the puck-situations. Vitale got penalized for having testicles as well (probably should have been a 10-minute misconduct for Sheer Size of Balls). Jordan Staal made a dangerous play on Braydon Coburn; thank god he didn’t lose his brains. It went back and forth like this for awhile. But Braydon was okay. And Staal redeemed himself, shortly after the Flyers feed did their Taco Ball Value Play of the Game. Which we think is meaningful.
The big pterodactyl strikes again.
Kills your family and eats your young.
It’s 2-2, finally. A mountain has been climbed.
BUT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF ALL AWARD GOES TO
Brooks Orpik took a penalty that didn’t even make any sense and the Pens were on a 5-on-3. You were probably envisioning hats raining down on Jagr until Cooke managed to slip the Flyers defense and score on Bryz while he was being hooked. Bryz looked like he wasn’t even trying.
Some kid named Eric Wellwood tied it up after an epic gaffe by Engelland who is usually doesn’t make a single mistake.
He just fell down. Wellwood peed on him. Good for him on his first NHL goal being slightly less of a joke than Max Talbot’s. Maybe he’ll have crazy biddy fans one day too.
Probably already does.
Shooting gallery on Bobrovsky in the last minute, but he isn’t terrible.
Also, his eyelashes were protecting him.
BEST FIVE MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE
Period opens, here comes Dustin Jeffrey.
Pascal Dupuis scored too but we can’t find pictures. Everyone was probably trying to find clean pants.
What just happened?
JAMES NEAL ALL UP IN THIS SHIT TOO BRB
oh, you know, for posterity.
Wayne Simmonds made it 6-4 with 19 seoconds left but no one cared.
Geno point. James Neal has 30 goals.
Fleury has his 30th win of the season.
Hartnell got kicked out at the end with a 10 minute misconduct.
Bring it back, yinz.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: CLASSIEST FRANCHISE IN THE NHL
ice chicks can’t even skate, players don’t care
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Brooks Orpik was a +4. Can’t really argue with that in a game where your team did have 4 goals against.
2. James Neal – 7 shots
3. Probably Kris Letang. We have some great Blingee action on that front:
courtesy of Simran
WOOOOOOOO SUCK IT