god’s on your heels

Tampa Bay have officially seen the wheels come off their system tonight. The Penguins are somehow on another level where their battle capability is just insane. Also, Winnipeg and Tampa Bay both suck balls forever and ever, so we were bound to do at least a little bit of damage if we had any self-respect whatsoever.

However, it was necessary, as part of the deeper machinations of the NHL, to put everyone on Steve Downie Hat Trick Watch™ .

Really, it was all part of the plan.

If we didn’t do things like this, how else would we get the word out about the growing Stain, the insanity that is a pox upon this Earth?

Guy Boucher doesn’t want our evil plans to get out. He explains to his team that they have to win this one fair and square. Stamkos and his hair weren’t listening, however, and they took a penalty. Malkin goes onto the ice. After some throat-clearing, Kris Letang lands him with a perfect pass for a one-timer. Oops. Looks like we’re still in this.
Early in the second, Malkin’s raw animal magnetism distracted everyone from Kunitz, who just waltzed in and buried yet another on Garon.
There was some controversy about a Letang goal being disallowed because Garon was all tied up with a Penguin. We’re fine with the call because a.) Garon clearly was unable to cover his net or engage in the play and b.) we’d be livid if that happened to Fleury or Beej. Too much gray area with these kinds of things, particularly in the way the game has been called lately.
BUT IT’S WHATEVER BECAUSE WE DEALT WITH THE ISSUE ANYWAY.  Letang scored a sweet goal off of an unreal pass from Kunitz on the boards (and Gene kept the puck in the zone like a pro).  We can safely forget about the disallowed goal, and move on to greener pastures.  No one will notice.
God was resurrected from the ashes as Steve Downie missed at least three times on his chance for the hattie.  Like that was going to happen.  It’s definitely your night when you manage to overcome giving up 2 goals to that cockmonster.
Malkin got a layup from Kunitz.  

Kunitz is really picking up steam where it matters.  We used to be like “oh so that contract that the Ducks gave him is a little weird and long and expensive. . .”
Nope.  underrated player.

The press is BEYOND LIGHT on Penguins goal celebration photos at the moment.
From now on, when you see this picture, read it as “Well, that’s just the way the world works when you’re Evgeni Malkin right now.”

After this goal, still in the 2nd, Joe Vitale gently touched Steve Downie on an icing call.
We fully believe that this was some religious act, cleansing the Penguins of all of Steve Downie’s ills.
We believe this because Joe Vitale is obviously a perfect human being with connections in Heaven.

Tampa Bay also performed one of the greatest Empty Net defenses in the history of the NHL.
Gene almost had his hatty, but they stopped him, much as we stopped Steve Downie.  It was a karmic correction.
Beej shot down the ice for th EN but it was kept in.
You will also note that he had an assist in this game and also sprang James Neal up-ice for what would have been a pretty intense 1-on-1 battle if it hadn’t been offside.
Brent Johnson: his balls are back, ladies and gentlemen. 

Staring is allowed.

Gene was pretty tuckered out there at the end and Letang needed to comfort him and congratulate him on being a beast.
But when you are the Champion of All, even abject exhaustion feels pretty good.

May we all live by this example, amen.
Pens win.
Suck it.

Go Pens 


About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.